Tuesday, August 30, 2011

First well baby checkup

I went to the free health clinic in downtown Durham yesterday for Luca's checkup. We don't have any information in the mail yet about our application for Medicaid, so I decided to stop calling pediatricians in the area (who just kept telling me they weren't taking anymore Medicaid patients), and take him to the clinic. I guess it's because it's run by Duke, but it is a very nice clinic... with a VERY nice pediatrician! I was surprised. Not only did she have a basic knowledge of breast feeding (you wouldn't believe what pediatricians will say sometimes on that subject... they need way more training in that area!) but she did not have a problem with me wanting to do an alternative vaccine schedule for him. She even said the Heb A/B and Rotavirus vaccines were not necessary for him (gasp!). He weighed 8 lbs 13 ounces... which means he gained 7 ounces in 5 days. Holy cow! What a porker.

I think he eats so much because he loves to suck for comfort. I'm glad you can't overfeed a breastfed baby. I just feed him whenever he starts putting his hands in his mouth and let nature take it from there! Breastfeeding isn't easy but it sure is low maintenance. Well, I hear it gets easy... you just have to get past this crazy newborn stage.

It's funny how he is settling into a little routine already. He always nurses for about half an hour (actively for 10 minutes and then comfort sucking). He is fussy and gassy all afternoon and evening, eating every 2-3 hours or so. Then at about midnight he sleeps for 4-5 hours (I think this is a plus to having oversupply... a full tummy) and then wakes up to be fed every 1.5 hours for the rest of the morning and is slightly less fussy. So I sleep during his long sleep at night and during his longer stretch in the afternoon, and go out and do stuff in the mornings. Yesterday I didn't get my nap and it was HELL.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Anxiety... explained!

So I was feeling seemingly random anxious moments throughout the day... but it turns out it happens before every time I have a let down! So I googled it, and sure enough, it's a THING! D-MER. My oxytocin goes up to bring on the milk release, and my dopamine goes down. CRASH. Instant bad feelings. And considering I have an overactive letdown... that's a lot of bad feelings every day! It's not so bad if I'm out of the house or interacting with people because I don't notice it as much... but I spend most of my time at home not doing anything. So I've emailed my herbalist friend Nick Fox and my homeopathic doctor to find some solutions. But I will probably have to just suck it up and deal. It's terrible though, I'm always scared someone is going to ask me a question right before a let down and I'm going to snap at them.

Luca's trip out of the house went well. He loved hanging out at Weaver St. Everywhere we go, people always remark about how alert, calm, and observant he is when he's awake. He weighed 8lbs 6 oz, which means he gained a whole pound in one week. So I guess I have nothing to worry about just because he only poops once every 36 hours...

weaver street
first time in car seat

He usually sleeps with his forehead directly against my chest, or on his own folded arms, or with his arms covering his eyes, or some other adorable arrangement. Last night the three of us fell asleep watching a documentary, and he woke me up FOUR HOURS LATER to nurse! I got four whole hours of sleep in a row!! The rest of the night he woke me up his normal every 2 hours, so I probably got 6-7 hours total. WOW. I feel amazing this morning, as opposed to yesterday when I kept randomly crying like a toddler who skipped their nap (and you ask them if they are tired and they say "NO!" and cry harder).

funny sleeping positions 1
funny sleeping positions 2
funny sleeping positions 3
funny sleeping positions 4
funny sleeping positions 5

My grandma and Uncle came to visit... we got our four generations picture!! My grandma is so generous. I came downstairs every day to find the dishes washed and the laundry done.

four generations

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Anxiety

My baby is in all of my dreams now. Last night I dreamed I was on a road trip with my family, and they kept leaving him in his car seat in the car whenever we stopped to use the bathroom or eat in a restaurant, and I kept being like "where's my baby?? I want my baby!!!" and they would just laugh at me and tell me he was fine in the car. And then I would go get him. So the whole dream was me in an extreme state of anxiety followed by relief upon seeing my baby again. I'M SUCH A MOM ALREADY. Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen making myself something to eat, and the baby was snoozing on the couch in the living room with my mom and sister, and I got MAJOR separation anxiety. And especially in the evenings, if I am downstairs with him I get this uncontrollable urge to go back upstairs to the bed where it's nice and cushy and safe and I know where all his stuff is.

Tuesday will be the big test, we are driving to Carrboro for his two week appointment, and taking Quinten to his homeschooler's classes. I'm gonna need a bigger diaper bag!! And a sedative to keep from freaking out about taking him out into the world for the first time.

In general I think I am enjoying this newborn stuff more and more. I was sort of in a trance for the first couple of days, and I had the baby blues a few nights in there (hooray for wonderful husbands who hold you and tell you you're an awesome mother). Mostly it was because of his gassy tummy; it was so hard to watch him squirm in pain and to be powerless to stop it... or to think that I was doing something terribly wrong and it was all my fault. But last night I talked to one of my local La Leche League leaders and she made me feel tons better (I slept really well last night in between feedings, finally).

Thursday, August 18, 2011

9 days old

... 7lbs 8 oz, so he is over his birth weight already!

Edit: I MADE MY FIRST CATCH!! He always pees when he wakes up, so we've been opening his diaper as he wakes up and making his cue sound when he pees. This time, I opened the diaper and just waited with a yogurt container. ONE LESS DIAPER to wash!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

First videos





There are more, but newborns pretty much do the same stuff all the time :)

Also, my mom went out to get some groceries and came home with a tattoo on her back.

Monday, August 15, 2011

One week

ALL-consuming. That's how I would describe life with a newborn. :)

naked time!

cute face

nursing


I now weigh 141 lbs. That's 20 lbs down from the pre-birth weight... in only one week!! My mom said she also lost weight really quickly. It's so nice not to have super swollen hands, feet, legs, etc.... I'm sure most of the weight was water weight. My uterus is shrinking fast. I have been taking pictures of my body in the mirror every couple of days, just because I can't believe how fast it is bouncing back! I expected it to take a lot longer. At this point, I almost feel like my old self again but a bit heavier.

Nursing is going pretty good. He doesn't poop as much as he should and he's a litte jaundiced. I took a look in the Dr. Sears Baby Book and he suggests switch feeding, which is good for sleepy jaundice babies because you latch, unlatch when he gets sleepy to burp him, relatch on the other side, and repeat. I'm not so good at it yet since I keep letting him fall asleep! He also is quite gassy... he often scrunches his legs up and tightens his stomach while sleeping, and sometimes does or does not pass gas. If he does not, he cries. Poor baby.

My right nipple is quite sore, even though the latch is the same for the right and left sides. In the beginning they both hurt like crazy (again, even though the latch was fine) because they both erupted with little blisters on the tips from being sucked for the first time. OUCH. I started a little care regime for the right side... dab with witch hazel and aloe solution, cover with coconut oil, cover with Lanisoh. It works well to sooth it. Engorgement really hurts!! My milk came in FAST since I have been eating giant bowls of oatmeal every morning and drinking two cups of tea every day (don't ask what's in the tea, I have no idea, it's a chinese post partum support blend from my acupuncturist). I didn't realize engorgement was a bad thing, but the Dr. Sears book says nurse as much as you can and ice it to keep it down, because they can't latch as well when you're engorged and it makes you prone to infections like mastitis!

Today daddy and mamaw took him while he was full and happy and I took a long nap (1.5 or 2 hours). It kind of freaked me out to wake up and find I had been asleep that long, since I really want him to eat every hour or so to make sure he is getting enough! Last night I tried something new, since he is capable of going 2 hours between feedings at night at this point. I would nurse at 11pm and set my alarm for 2am, that way I knew there was no way I could sleep through his hunger signs to a dangerous point (3 hours in between feedings is the max for a normal baby, nevermind an early jaundiced one). Then I would wake up at 12:30am or whenever it was he got hungry, nurse him, and reset the alarm for 3am. It gave me the peace of mind to sleep for those intervals.

Here is our set up. I sleep between the baby and Ash now, although at first we slept in a letter T shape because I hadn't mastered side nursing yet and I had to switch the baby back and forth at night (daddies are not allowed to sleep next to babies, they don't have the wake-up instincts not to roll over!!). All the newborn sized diapers, onesies, blankets, etc are all on the bed within arms reach. I don't know how people do this who have cribs in the next room! INSANITY.
the setup

I really can't wait for things to settle down and for it to feel like us again but... with a baby. I know I have a few weeks to go until that point. I can feel my herbal teas and my placenta broth carrying my sanity through this newborn time... I wish daddy had an equivalent, but he is getting a lot more sleep than I am so I know he can handle it better. He is SUPER DAD right now, taking very good care of me, really enjoying his son, and washing the diapers every day. I wake him up and night if there is a poop diaper, or if I have to get up and go to the bathroom (safe bed sharing tip! Always wake up and tell your sleeping partner if you are leaving the baby in the bed with them), but other than that he has been getting normalish sleep.

My goal is to go out with him on Saturday. There is a nurse-in at Whole Foods at 5pm and then our friend is playing an acoustic show at a coffee shop after that. It sounds TERRIFYING to be out of bed and in the world with him... but also terrifying to not get out into the world pretty soon. I've got cabin fever.

We tried out the Moby wrap... or as we like to call it... THE JEDI WRAP! Because ours is brown and looks like something Obi Wan would wear. Luca LOVED it. We didn't use it quite right (his head is supposed to be in the opposite strap that his body is in), but I'm hoping to figure out either that or the ring sling by Saturday.

moby wrap

Friday, August 12, 2011

James Luca Hopkins: Born August 9th

Birth story:

(This is long and it doesn't spare any details, so read at your own risk. But it was a great birth so I encourage you to read it!)

For those who don't know...
Alyssa = sister
Quinten = brother
Jonathon = brother
Taz = German Shepard
Emmy and Calzini = cats
Ash = husband
Deb = midwife
Jane- midwife
Sam = assistant midwife

I don't have very many pictures. The birth caught us by surprise and it moved quickly. Let that be a lesson to you all! Prepare for that ahead of time.

August 7th-

We went grocery shopping and I ate a morning glory muffin and a big bottle of cranberry kombucha. We also stopped by our friend Keith and Kate's house thinking that we were going to have plenty of time to house sit for them in the coming weeks (I was only 37.5 weeks at this point!).

That night and the two nights before, Taz insisted on sleeping at the foot our our bed and Calzini came into our room every night. Emmy, as usual, was paying close attention to both of us. I thought it was weird that the other pets were being so attentive to me so "early", but I shrugged it off. We stayed up until about 1am talking and relaxing together.

August 8th-

5am- I woke up with tummy cramps and funny dreams. I got up to pee with the same uncomfortable pressure in my midsection I had been having for the past 3 or 4 nights (I hadn't been sleeping well due to a lot of pressure on my liver). I got back into bed onto my left side and started to fall asleep again, when WOOSH! Out came a whole bunch of warm water. I said "Uh, honey! I think my water just broke!" and Ash said "Oh, really? Are you sure?" And then he felt the bed and said "Oh yeah, definitely! I guess we should call Deb." "Oh, should we?" "Well… there is fluid coming out of you!" I got up and went to the toilet and much more water came out of me, along with a little mucus. Ash called Deb but she didn't pick up (she had left her cell phone in New York and was using an alternate number that we didn't have). We called Jane instead and she picked up and told us to make sure the fluid was clear. She told us everything sounded fine and that the baby would probably be here within 24 hours (that's when I heard Ash on the phone in the next room go "Woah, really?!?"). She gave us Deb's alternate number and we called her and told her the same info. She told us to call her the second the baby moved, and to tell us if we stopped feeling him move.

Ash opened the bedroom door and all of the pets were outside the door. They knew exactly what was going on. He grabbed our birth plan off of the dresser and gave it to Quinten (who was awake for some reason) and told him that my water broke (he seemed pretty shocked and confused as to what that meant exactly, but very excited). Ash knocked on Jonathon's door as well but he fell immediately back asleep (later he said he thought it was a dream).

We knew from our childbirth class that we should continue as normal with our day so we went back to bed. We were both in a lot of shock that the baby could be coming so soon. I was having mild contractions and shaking all over. I put on my Hypnobabies Fear Clearing track. I felt a little nauseous so I began sucking on ginger candies one after another. I then listened to the Deepening track and fell back asleep (sort of) after I stopped shaking (maybe from fear, maybe from the labor starting). It was such a relief to have the water break; I didn't feel any extra pressure on my cervix, but there was no pressure on my liver anymore!! The contractions were pretty close together (5 minutes apart, 2.5 minutes long). I felt them in my lower belly and thighs. We timed them with the app on Ash's iPhone until they got farther apart. I started to go into a sort of trance and time was flying by…

6:30am- He moved- we called Deb. She said she would check on us in a few hours. I listened to my Birthing Day Affirmations track (saying to myself in my head "even though it's probably not my birthing time"). Saying each one out loud really helped calm me down so I could rest. The CD continued through to the Pregnancy Affirmations. I fell asleep listening to music by Rosebud, which was a part of my labor mix tape I made for myself.

10:30am- We got out of bed later and I told Ash that I was starving. He went downstairs to make us food (oatmeal and yogurt) and to tell my parents that my water had broke. I think I remember checking my email, sending an email to our friend Keith saying we couldn't house sit, and sending an mail to Alyssa to let her know to start driving from Asheville. I also wrote down a couple of things I needed from the grocery store so I could send everyone out of the house for a little bit. The contractions had really slowed while I rested (every 15 minutes, at 1 minute long).

12pm- Ash put on some Louis Armstrong for me while he ran around getting things ready for the birth. I went downstairs to start walking around to kickstart labor again.. and I was really hungry once again. In the next four hours, I ate a peanut butter honey sandwich, a peach, some grapes, crackers with cream cheese, a bean and cheese burrito, and a chicken sausage. My body knew what was about to happen!

3pm- Deb came over to check on me. My contractions were now 10 minutes apart and 1 minute long. Based on my contractions and on the line on my backside, she estimated I was 3-4 centimeters and progressing well (I had requested no internal checks). Contractions were really easy to handle at this point with my eyes closed. I was making some soft sounds. It felt like a lot of pressure on my cervix and I often found myself leaning back, belly lifting, or doing other things to make the pressure greater and encourage each contraction to be longer and stronger. I could hear a voice inside taunting them ("That's all you got? That was nothing. More more more!"). Deb said to call her later in the evening when things would probably pick up. She said to rest or sleep if the evening came and went and things weren't getting more serious, since I could always wake up in the morning and push him out then. We asked how we would know when to call and she said "Oh… you'll know!"

early labor... 4-5 centimeters

early labor... 4-5 centimeters

5pm- My sister arrived from Asheville. My sister, my mom, Ash and I took my birthing ball outside where it felt lovely to just bounce on the front lawn (leaning backwards while Ash supported me with his arms) during contractions. I looked up at Ash at one point and said "Honey, you're all golden!" (my friend Robin said be sure to notice if you can see people's auras like in the Ina May books!). Gold was definitely the color I would give to describe my labor. Everything shimmered with a golden glow.

We came inside because it was a bit warm (90 something) but there were too many distractions in the kitchen and I became annoyed because there seemed to be more and more people around (Jonathon wasn't leaving to go to Raleigh for the night after all, and Quinten had invited a friend over instead of leaving as well). We went upstairs to the bedroom and things started to pick up. We put on the track Easy First Stage on repeat.

early labor... 6-7 centtimeters

7pm- things started to really pickup once I was alone in the bedroom. Contractions went from 10 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart in those next two hours. This is the part where my memory is fuzzy. Some real magic started happening. I first sat on the birth ball and hung from the handles of my dresser drawer for support, leaning on pillows sitting in an open drawer in between pressure wave Then I laid on the bed with Ash, and I put a hot bag of rice on my tummy. Whatever noise I made, Ash made it with me (this helped a lot for some reason). Then I moved to the toilet, holding myself up during pressure waves by using my arms on the seat in between my legs. I rocked back and forth saying "OOOOPEEEEN" over and over with Ash (at this point I would open my eyes and sort of drunkenly smile at my mom, sister and Ash in-between waves. I also remember kissing my husband). Alyssa joined in the chants of "open" and the energy of the situation escalated quickly as if we were in some kind of movie seance. I started to have the urge to bear down with each wave. Deb was right… Ash knew it was time to call her.

I moved onto the bed and my sounds got louder and louder. The energy was getting so intense that I wasn't staying calm in between contractions anymore, and my sounds were getting to be loud and high pitched. My husband got a little worried about me since things were escalating so quickly and I wasn't able to keep up with the intensity. He had stopped making noise with me at this point, to try and calm the vibe down a little bit. The assistant showed up and started trying to help with the birth pool, and made sure all the supplies were there that she needed. I think at this point the consensus was that the birth pool wasn't going to happen (not that I cared, I couldn't imagine getting out of the bed at this point). At least inflating the pool gave the other men in the house a project to do downstairs, and the air pump created a lot of white noise in the house that wasn't unpleasant. I remember the assistant looking at me when she arrived and she said "you're doing awesome!" and I was thinking "NO I'M NOT!"

10pm- When Deb got there she said "you are making some fabulous sounds!" and she reminded me to keep my sounds low. It sounded impossible but I tried it anyways… it did help me stay calm and I regained enough composure to feel more calm between contractions. I asked when I would reach transition and she said "Uh just a hunch… but I think you're already there right now!" My noises were completely involuntary at this point, they started low and ended somewhere a little higher, but every time I used every ounce of breath and volume that I had because it felt amazing to do so. Deb asked if I wanted to try hands and knees since I had been on my back for some time. I flipped over and leaned on a big stack of pillows, holding my husband's hand and wailing with each wave. My eyes were closed most of the time.

In between contractions I started whimpering, and it was at this point that my experience became extremely dual: there was Ego Me, and then there was the Birthing Me that took over during each wave. I would call her Birthing Woman. Birthing Woman knew exactly how to move and what sounds to make. She knew to laugh and to smile. She wasn't scared at all. But Ego was trembling in between each wave, was whimpering, and was looking at Ash for reassurance. Ego was asking questions quietly like "Is he coming? Is he really coming?" My mom or my sister were rubbing my back, and I think I remember my mom pulling my sweaty hair out of my face. I also vaguely remember them telling me I was doing awesome, and it really reassured Ego that everyone around me was so positive. Birthing Woman had no idea where we were or who was in the room at all.

Deb said "G, are you resisting these a little bit?" and Ego answered "I have no idea. Maybe." and Deb said "Yeah, I think you are. Really bear down with this next one." Birthing Woman said in my head "Duh, that's what I've been trying to do!" And I REALLY pushed with the next one. It was so easy to get him down into the birthing canal with these few pushes, but it took a lot of my strength and I collapsed onto my side, no longer able to stay on all fours. Birthing Woman wanted my legs as far apart as possible. Ego almost fell asleep at this point. I was so tired. I actually remember things going black and me having to shake myself back awake. I remember thinking "Can't we just go to sleep now?" and Birthing Woman said "That's ridiculous!" so I pushed as hard as I could with each contraction. I smiled a few times because the Hypnobabies track was still on in the background, and every once in a while it would remind you to smile in between each wave. Everyone would chuckle when I did this.

11pm- With every wave, Ego thought I had used all my strength and that my voice would give out. But Birthing Woman said "No way, we're almost there!" I didn't believe her so I asked Deb "When do I push the baby out?" and she said "You ARE pushing the baby out!" and Ego was shocked we were already at that part. I asked the assistant to skip to the next track on the CD called Pushing Baby Out. They started encouraging me to push harder with every wave. I don't think I was pushing very effectively for a while because Deb first asked me to lay on my left side, and then asked me if I wanted her to show me where to push. She said she could put her fingers inside me during the next wave so I could feel where to bear down. I said ok, and even though the feeling of her fingers shocked me at first, I soon realized exactly how far down to push (I didn't even know my PC muscles existed down that low). Deb continued to use her fingers to guide every wave, and it became very reassuring for me and things moved more quickly. They had been checking his heart rate on the doppler with about every other wave (or less?) and it stayed perfectly steady the whole time.

Deb told me to hold my legs back with each wave because I was wasting a lot of energy writhing them and flexing them with each push, and Ego shouted "NO I can't do that!" My mom grabbed my right leg and my husband grabbed my left leg and they pulled them back for me. Alyssa had a cold rag on my face and neck in between each wave, which felt amazing. Pretty soon, Deb looked at me and said "I can see his head!" and by the next push everyone else could see it too. Alyssa shouted "He's a brunette!" I could hear the hypnosis CD in the background saying I could push between pressure waves if I wanted to, but I did not want to! I did bear down a bit in between because I could feel that it kept the baby from sliding back each time. At one point, Ash reached down and touched his little head while it was still inside me, and at some point after that, I did too and it made me smile. I was so happy that even though I was working my butt off, it seemed so easy and natural for a baby to fit down and out. It surprised me how little his head felt and how capable my body felt of stretching for him, especially with Deb's fingers in there to stretch me and guide him out. Birthing Woman started to get annoyed that the baby wasn't out yet, but now that Ego was on her side, it only took a few more pushes before Deb said "it's only a matter of minutes now!" I couldn't believe that it was almost over already. Time seemed to fly by, but I had no idea what time it was and that I had been pushing for an hour and a half! My mom and sister were getting quite excited during each contraction because they could see he was seconds away from coming out. Their verbal encouragement really helped. Ash was staying so clam and positive at my side, and every time he looked at me and said I was doing great, I believed him. With every push I turned and asked him "Is he really coming?" and he said "Yes, I promise! I can see him."

August 9th-

12:30am- I felt a slight burning and I knew that meant his head would come out with one more push. I bore down with all my might and I could feel his facial features on the skin of my labia. My mom and sister immediately started crying and my mom said "One more push and the baby will be out!" I felt Deb reach down and pull the cord off from around his neck and then I pushed out his body with little effort. I felt an intense rush of relief and the whole room looked golden and shimmering as I looked down at my son for the first time. Deb said "Reach down and grab your baby!" and Ego stammered "I don't think I can" but at the same time Birthing Woman reached down without hesitation and brought him to my chest. He gave a very soft, single cry and I heard my mom say "He's nice and pink!" He opened his eyes and looked right at me for a good while. I stroked his head and body until he stopped crying. They laid blankets over both of us and I looked at Ash, wordless, and we both stared at him in amazement. Neither of us had the energy to cry at this point, but that was ok because my mom and sister were doing plenty of that for the both of us.

Deb said the cord had already stopped pulsing and that she wanted to cut it. It was a bit short and was pulling at my placenta which was still inside me. Ash cut the cord, and my mom said "There, now he is his own entity!" and then Deb asked me to push out the placenta. I couldn't imagine pushing any more, but it was such a wonderful relief to have that thing finally out of me. I started looking forward to the sleep I hoped I would get, but soon all memory of sleep faded as I rode that hormone high.

People were cleaning up around us when Sam weighed him (I guessed his weight exactly, 7lbs 4oz… that was Birthing Woman's last appearance). They put a little hat on his head and then they asked me to get up so they could change the sheets for us to sleep. Deb said my bladder was full and I should try to pee, but I said "I can't remember how to pee. I can't pee!" Ash got up to pee himself and to wash his hands. I can't remember how my mom changed the sheets because I certainly couldn't move my own legs and they had to be lifted for me to merely sit at the edge of the bed. I think I held the baby the whole time, but I can't remember. I remember Ash kept saying how cute he was. I remember being very confused about how we were going to sleep, and my mom assured me that we wouldn't need a guard rail for a while because our bed was huge and he couldn't roll out of it. So I laid in-between Ash and the baby. Deb told me what to watch for in myself and in the baby and to call her if any of those signs appeared. I remember her saying that he needed to latch onto my breast within the first 24 hours, because he hadn't done so yet. I know Ash slept that night because I remember watching him and the baby sleeping… but I didn't sleep a wink. I was watching him breathe the whole time.

post birth

We practiced breast feeding for the first time the next morning about 7 hours post birth, which is a really long time to wait. He had such a super receding chin that it took him all day before he got one good latch. When Deb came over the next morning, she showed us Football Hold and he had an easier time with that. The LLL breastfeeding book has been invaluable; even though I read it cover to cover twice while pregnant we still refer to it every day to make sure he is on track. I basically nurse him whenever he is awake, which is basically every hour or more often. When he isn't sleeping he is lying next to me or on me, both of us naked. He is always sucking all the time, even if he isn't actually drinking, which is why my milk came in early and in huge supply (he was "putting in the order" as the LLL book says). Now that my milk is in, he has had a few good healthy sized breast milk poops (the second day he had like FIVE meconium poops, then nothing the third day except a little green foam, and then his first real poop late that night). My breasts are VERY swollen and tender and my nipples are tender too… but it's worth it to see his little face so happy all the time. Seriously, this kid has zero reasons to cry because someone is always cuddling him or feeding him. He's so quiet. Most of the time we stare at him and talk about how cute he is. We have also been cuing him whenever he poops and pees, in preparation for ECing. We're looking for his own cues but they're a bit hard to see right now. He does make little noises before pooping, but he poops randomly when breastfeeding (not sure how we are going to catch those!). I weighed myself this morning… I think I was about 160 before giving birth, and now I am 151.

Luca nursing
midwife
Ash newborn


I remembered an image I saw in the Birthing From Within book of a woman "roaring the baby out" (a pregnant woman's body on her hands and knees, with a lion's roaring head). I thought it described birth for me exactly:


roaring the baby out


My voice was hoarse for a day from all that roaring! Ash said he has never heard such powerful sounds coming out of a human. I couldn't really move my arms and legs for a good day or two because I had ripped up all the muscles in them while pushing. But I didn't have any tearing of the perineum. Other than normal tenderness (and a laceration to one of my inner labia), my own recovery has been ideal.

Everyone keeps telling me how great my birth was, and my mom said she was totally sold on Hypnobabies. This made me feel good, since my birth certainly wasn't 100% pain-free (I'd say 85% pain-free) or super calm like the ideal Hypnobabies births in the videos. But it was certainly a great birth with zero complications and lots of positivity. I was not consciously using the hypnosis tools the entire time. I would be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind at some point "I am NEVER doing this again!", but I'd also be lying if I told you that I actually believed that! If that mindset of "relax and allow your birth to happen" hadn't been automatically programmed into my head by Hypnobabies, I think I would have stalled my labor for a long time with all of my fear.

The fear and intensity that my Ego experienced was paralyzing, and it would have inhibited me from letting go so Birthing Woman could do her thing. If I hadn't had a natural birth, I know that the drugs would have also completely silenced Birthing Woman. There is no way I could have been that spiritually engaged if I hadn't been feeling every ounce of the physical intensity. I think a numbed birth would be way more terrifying than a natural one, because you're stuck there all alone with your Ego! To be alone with all that fear… no wonder birth trauma is so common in our culture. No wonder everyone talks about it like it's torture. With a natural birth, I could feel the power of the entire universe inside of me. It was worth every second of discomfort to travel to the edges of my universe and back again (and I discovered there is no edge... ha!). I have a respect for myself now that is beyond pride, beyond Ego, and beyond joy… it is as deep as time and space itself. I have experienced something far, far bigger than myself but all within myself at the same time. It's indescribable.

Luca

Luca

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Detox

Ash and I have been seriously curbing our TV/media consumption for the past 8 months in anticipation of our son's arrival. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes... for example, there is no way I can be in the room when someone is watching one of those crime shows. It makes me nauseous (why do people enjoy seeing others in extreme amounts of pain and suffering??). The evening news seems like some sort of strange play. I just tried to watch a clip from "Bunny of Seville", the Bugs Bunny cartoon, and it moved so fast I had to turn it off (hooray return of a normal attention span!). It feels very similar to how I feel now that I have cut all processed sugar out of my diet... if I sneak a little in there, WHAM instant headache of DEATH! It will be very easy for us personally to keep sugar out of his tiny precious body (convincing the grandparents is another story!), and it looks like TV won't be a temptation either. Niether of us can drink coffee anymore without feeling terrible (which is a little sad, because it still SMELLS so good!).

I still have facebook open in another tab right now, and every time I type a sentence here, I browse while I think of what to say next. I hate it! But I can't seems to justify getting rid of computer the same way I can justify getting rid of TV. I have three tabs open on ECing, five tabs open on natural building techniques, one open on a sewing project, this tab, and one on facebook. Obviously way too much activity for my personal goal of having a CALM PRESENCE, but also way too much learning/information sharing to give up. Ultimately, the internet is a positive presence in my life, I just have to figure out how to keep in under control.

Ash has been meditating daily and I have my daily Hypnobabies... we can feel ourselves becoming more calm and centered, and it feels good! It always feels good to accomplish personal goals.

I have a teeny sore throat. I think it's just from the air conditioner. Boy I can't wait until we build our own house, so we can never suffer through the agony of central heat/air ever again!! Better go read those tabs I have open on passive solar heating and cooling...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Healthcare

Ash and I successfully applied for medicaid last week. Since we're both unemployed and I'm pregnant, it should be pretty easy to get Lucca and I insurance (I already have insurance, but it likely will only cover half of the home birth so this should cover the rest). Ash of course will continue life without health insurance since the government apparently doesn't insure guys like him. Good thing he's so extremely healthy (but of course, we're screwed if he gets hit by a bus or even just needs antibiotics).

I looked into paying for healthcare for Lucca, but it's ridiculous. I would pay something like $110 a month at least, and my deductible would be so high ($3500-$5000), and even after that they only pay like 50-70% of costs... it's not worth it by a long shot. Same thing for insurance for Ash. I have called many, many family practice places but nobody is taking medicaid patients, so that means we will have to find one of those shady clinics to take him to.

Is it hard to gain Canadian citizenship? Because this crap is ridiculous.

Nesting

I decided to take a couple pictures of what our room and the converted dining room are looking like, as we try and get things together for when he gets here. Our room is the baby's room, and our bed is the baby's bed, so you can barely even tell by looking around that we are expecting anything! Well, at least compared to some peoples amount of prep (like a whole nursery fully designed and coordinated and all that). Everything is technically ready, it's just not aesthetically ready.

The bed has a guard rail up (found in perfectly new condition for $12 at at thrift store)... it's SO STURDY it could keep a full grown man from falling out of the bed. It clamps on with big plastic jaws. They have really improved the design of those things since I was a baby. The nightstand is loaded up with vitamins, herbs, baby potties (yogurt containers), cloth diapers and cover, wipes, onsies, homemade wipe wash, bac-out, radio with hypnobabies CDs in it, etc. It looks like a wreck, but how else are you supposed to have all of that stuff on hand in the middle of the night?? I wish I had a small bookcase next to the bed, then things could at least look nice while being nearby. Ultimately, the mattress will be directly on the floor without the boxspring to make it extra safe, but right now it's perfect for my large pregnant butt to get in and out of at that height (boy is it HARD getting in and out of bed!!).

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The bird mobile has been hung on the fan in the center of the room. It spins as the fan spins. Yes, the cat as jumped up and pulled it down more than once.

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I brought the sewing machine and basic supplies up here so I can make repairs to things more easily. The closet doors are missing so we're thinking of hanging a curtain or something to make it look less cluttery. The closet is actually super organized, it just doesn't look like it. That's my birth ball! Last night I had to get up and sit on it for five minutes (I almost fell asleep on it) so I could bounce him down lower off of my liver... the pain was too great to sleep through otherwise. All my birthing stuff, the hospital bag, and all my hypnobabies materials are all out in plain sight and easily accessed.

The bathroom is all organized as well... I have all my postpartum stuff ready, and I have stacked toilet paper a mile high so we don't run out. I have gotten rid of pretty much all the toxic stuff, or stored it away (since this isn't our permanent home, it will have to go back to being a guest room next year). My goal is to only have personal products and cleaning products around that are also 100% edible. So far so good... except for one California Baby tube of diaper rash cream I bought just in case (though he shouldn't need it, being an EC baby).

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The dining room is the designated TV-FREE zone for downstairs. I've got a changing table, rocking chair, and a fold-out mattress for the floor. I've hung up the map of Chareslton, a map of Italy I found in the attic, and several old pictures of family members. I'm hoping to get up one picture of me as a baby (seen on the rocking chair), and one picture of Ash as a baby. The big red painting is a work of art our friend Justin made for our wedding, it's going up somewhere. There is a Dockstreet poster hanging by the changing table, and you can see our super awesome car seat on the floor (but it's covered in trash bags to keep the cats from peeing on it. Alyssa brought us all those colorful cardboard animals as a gift... they are really pretty but I wish I had some shelves to put them on!

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Such a big part of nesting is just knowing where everything is. My mind is super good at organizing all of a sudden... I will have a thought randomly like "Hey I can't remember where I put ___", and I will go find it and find a new home for it... and that item will keep getting a new home until my brain can easily remember where it is at all times.

37 weeks

The home visit went well... it was Jane and Ashley who came over. I think we decided to try and have the birthing pool set up upstairs, in our own bedroom or bathroom. We had a moment the other night, where I was having regular pressure waves and we were lying in bed together trying to (and successfully) get them to calm down, and we had music on and soft lights and we were all alone... it was perfect and just how we want our birth to be. So they will give us the pool ahead of time, so I can set it up and be in it during early labor if I want to (or just set it up to make sure it fits!). I think that having the birthing space upstairs will really help us feel good about the whole thing, since that is our space and we will feel comfortable giving commands and taking charge of who is in the room and when. I think my sister and mom will be surprised at how boring it is for them :) It's hours of not much to watch and then... a whole lot at once! I'm sure I will think of jobs for them to do when the time comes, but for now I'm happy with the image in my head of just Ash and I in our bedroom alone, with people coming in as we need them.

My ribs have decided to start expanding all at once... or something. It hurts like crazy! I took a nice hot bath and it helped a bit.

We made homemade pizza tonight!! Yum. Going to eat some more now...

Monday, August 1, 2011

pressure waves

Man, if I wasn't only 36 weeks, I'd swear this was early labor. Regular pressure waves that feel very tight all through my belly and back... this has been every night for the past 3 or 4 nights.

Love

It's now to the point where sleeping is tough. It kind of stinks, because it used to be that laying down on my left side was guaranteed relief! And now that I don't have that... all I have is my 30 minutes of hypnobabies practice every day. I have constant contractions and they wake me up sometimes. The round ligament pain is pretty bad, it feels like a UTI if I try and change positions in my sleep without very carefully supporting my belly! My liver is under so much pressure, I have to keep my spine perfectly straight at all times in order to not be in excruciating pain. I just remembered though, my belly is supposed to drop down more and more as I get closer to birth, so he should be giving me some more room soon.

The good news is that since sleeping through the night isn't ideal/comfortable anymore, I'll be used to it before the baby gets here! Thank goodness I'm not working and can sleep during the day as much as I want. I don't think it will be a problem for me to "sleep when the baby sleeps", like everyone suggests. The hypnobabies thing has made it easier than it has ever been in my life to just lay down, close my eyes, relax and drift off.

As uncomfortable as I am, I still can't imagine having him anytime soon. HE HAS JUST GOT TO WAIT until after my brother moves out to college. I feel like it's important for one person to leave the house before another comes into it. Plus I get to turn his old room into a sewing room!!

The big sale at the Red Hen was today. I got 60% off everything... and everything in the store was already used anyways. Sweet deals galore! They did not have a single prefold left, so I just got 3 medium sized fitted diapers ($5 each!), one medium all in one ($5 as well), and an insert ($1). All the ECing websites seem to suggest they only ever use about ten diapers, even if they aren't doing it full time. So I should be covered, having way more than that, especially in newborn sizes (thanks Melanie!).

I went to a meetup tonight to hear some home birth stories. Everyone was so nice, positive, respectful, encouraging... and their babies were very cute. This area is really great as far as resources and support for the kind of mom I want to be. And integrating myself into this community has really helped me face the reality of becoming a parent.

Ash picked out a big hardcover moleskin notebook with heavy pages, to use as a baby book. Now we just have to go back in time and ask people how to make photos physically exist! I feel like anything we print out and put in there will just fade away in a couple years... does anyone know of a way to print archive quality photos from digital formats? And if I put them in the book by just laminating them straight onto the paper... will that preserve or destroy them?

I love my son so much already, and I haven't even met him. Looking at the little baby clothes he will soon fill brings tears to my eyes.