Before kids, most people have had hard days, where they were ill yet had to go to work anyways, or they didn't get enough sleep; it's easy to think "I know what hardship is, I know a baby will make life harder. That's the price you pay for all that joy, right? I'll manage." But somehow it didn't occur to me that every day was going to be hard. I don't know why. Overly hopeful optimism as some sort of poorly evolved coping mechanism?
What didn't happen, after I had Luca, was truly accepting that life is now harder. I always thought in the back of my mind that parenthood wouldn't be hard for me, because 1) my marriage was invincible 2) my parenting would be better than everyone else's 3) my baby would have a personality like my own or my husband's. None of these things turned out to be true. I do have a strong marriage, and we work hard (with less energy and less time than we had before) to keep it that way, but that didn't mean it was invincible. I think I am a great parent, but I'm not the parent I thought I would be, and I don't think my parenting choices are better than anyone else's. My baby does NOT have either of our personalities- he is entirely his own person. He's a very demanding, sensitive, and exhausting person. But he's also sweet, silly, and inquisitive.
I always thought that I would love breastfeeding. My mother and all women I knew talked about it only with positivity. But it really has not been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. It hurt like hell for the first 3-4 months. I spent a lot of time during those early months crying while watching my husband get to sleep, next to me. I have D-MER, which causes me to have a dopamine crash with every milk let down (I feel anxious, sad, and angry whenever I nurse). He bites. Food proteins leaking into my breast milk forced me onto a very restricted elimination diet for several weeks, and he continued to have blood in his stool several times a week for still-unexplained reasons. Because he screamed in the car, we hardly ever left the house until he was about 8 months old.
The biggest adjustment was allowing sleep deprivation to become the new norm. I'm still getting used to this. I'm still a little resentful that I don't have an easy baby, who would sleep at night or nap consistently during the day. Everything is so hard when you're tired. It's so easy to loose sight of anything good in life when you're so, so tired. I really don't think it would be safe for me to operate a car without caffeine. I certainly can't function at work without it.
I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom and that I would love it. Turns out, being home all the time is a recipe for ultimate insanity for me… and I couldn't afford it anyways, Even with government medicaid and the support of my family. Contrary to what I had imagined, I actually enjoy having some time away from Luca during the week. I really do think it allows me to be a better mother.
The one thing I don't miss is "free time". There is nothing that resembles free time in my life anymore, and I don't really care. I feel like nothing I do is a waste of time, which feels good. If I pick a book to read, it's one that is really worth my time and energy (and along those lines, I don't play computer games anymore because they are a complete waste of time and energy). Any moments we have away from the baby are used to try and frantically complete a few things on our to-do list, and it's suddenly fun do do things like call the dentist (without being interrupted). It's nice to appreciate life for what it is, rather than wish I had more time to waste doing "fun" things.
The one thing I don't miss is "free time". There is nothing that resembles free time in my life anymore, and I don't really care. I feel like nothing I do is a waste of time, which feels good. If I pick a book to read, it's one that is really worth my time and energy (and along those lines, I don't play computer games anymore because they are a complete waste of time and energy). Any moments we have away from the baby are used to try and frantically complete a few things on our to-do list, and it's suddenly fun do do things like call the dentist (without being interrupted). It's nice to appreciate life for what it is, rather than wish I had more time to waste doing "fun" things.
Having a child is a sort of ego death- you flail around for a while, trying desperately to hang on to who you used to be and who you are used to being. That flailing is more painful than anything you are actually going through in reality. But pretty soon, you learn to be groundless again and the second you do, you get your footing back. Your new role as a part-time martyr isn't that bad.
I've learned that love is an ever-flowing undercurrent, that you can always access, if you relax and allow yourself to stop resisting. I still don't know if I will remember this first year of Luca's life fondly (or if I will ever find the bravery and selflessness to have another child), but I know that as a person I have changed for the better… and I have no regrets anymore.
Now that he is 1 year old, I feel like Luca is an extension of myself, and a natural, normal part of my life… and I can't imagine my life without him.
Happy first birthday, Luca!!
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