Be who you are: a great person.

You are the sun, not the clouds.

 Every time I hear about a person that I think can't POSSIBLY have any good left anywhere inside them (you all know what I'm talking about.. the horror stories, the unthinkable, the things that keep you up at night)... I picture them as a small child. So small that sometimes they are babies. How can you be angry at a baby? My self-righteousness melts. We demonize these people not only because of what they do, but because we are afraid and don't understand- how did they get that way? They must not be human like us, right?

 Well, they got that way the same way you and I became the way we are. Some things we could help and some things we had no control over. And that scares us. It scares us to admit that this terrible person is as human as we are. So we shut them out, away from our compassion, because they don't deserve it; they aren't human like us. But in doing so we also shut down our own love for ourselves, the compassion for our own mistakes that we make every day. We can't love those parts of us- can we? If we do that, we might become like those monsters! Or is the opposite true? If we shut down compassion for anyone or anything, how can we be a good person? We try to justify having some walls up- after all, they don't DESERVE love! But soon we see the truth- that even the tiniest of obstructions to the natural flow of love affects how we feel.

 I try to let go of hate because it feels good to me. It feels right and genuine to feel love; it feels like very hard work to feel hate. Look! I am clenching my fists and panting and pacing. How much work it is!! I choose to give this person love even though they don't deserve it. Why? Not for them at first, but for me. Because if my heart is full of hate for what they have done... then I have let their suffering extend to me. The only resilience against hate is love. You cannot fight the hate in the world by filling it with more hate. You will exhaust yourself! But love is never ending- just ask a mother or a father. Love is easy. Hate is hard.

 When I picture the object of my anger as a small child, I am reminded that we all start out equally beautiful and innocent and good. And I am reminded that they are, just like I am, not tied to the person they are today. Just as they were made into the person they are, so am I being made. And I can unmake, or remake, or just be who I am. And that is my choice to make. It is your choice too.

 Which will we decide? The easy lie, or the difficult truth? The truth may hurt at first, but nothing hurts as bad as a lifetime of suffering, brought on by avoiding the truth. When you sit down with yourself and see who you really are, will you take the red pill or the blue pill? Will you make excuses for your bad behavior, or will you love yourself by admitting you were wrong?

 You are the sun, not the clouds.

Bloopers

The golden...years?

This is the one parenting expectation that came true for me, so far: everything really did get better the more he could talk. He's so cute. Everything he says is adorable. I can't understand half of what he says (daddy understands more than I do). He sang for the first time ... "On a farm... cow...mooo... yaaaay!!" "On a farm.... sheep... baaaa...yaay!!!" And one time he even threw in an "E I E I O!!"

He calls millipedes "Mama-pedes" and "Dada-pedes", and points out mamas and their babies everywhere we go.

Here's a comparison picture, this years Eno Festival and last year's:






We all look so much happier!

Toddler eating habits

It's a common issue parents love griping to each other about. "My kid barely eats anything!" "He won't touch a vegetable." "It takes him FOREVER to finish his meal."

 When I was pregnant I read a few studies on toddler nutrition, and learned that 1) over the course of a week, given the choice to eat what they want to eat, toddlers choose a balanced diet and 2) toddlers need to try a food up to 20 times before deciding if they like it or not.

 If your house isn't full of junk, then let your kid eat what they want. Junk is processed food that comes in packages. If it comes straight from an animal or straight from the ground (minimal processing is ok... fresh bread, dark chocolate, etc) then it's food: relax, mamas! I make sure to offer often, unless I leave food out for him in plain sight to ask for or to get for himself. He doesn't whine for goldfish instead of his sandwhich, because he knows we don't have any goldfish. Don't buy things you don't want your kids to whine for!

 Kids don't like vegetables because they don't have much to offer a toddler. Not much fat or protein which they need to grow, and not much carbs which they need for all that brain and body activity. SCREW BROCCOLI, give them BUTTER! They can get fiber from things that also give them energy, like whole grains or raisins.

 Yesterday Luca would only eat fatty foods... eggs, bacon, salmon, cheese. The day before that he ate nothing but bread and fruit. The day before that, he ate nothing but jerky and cashews and chocolate chips and he acted like salmon and bacon were the worst foods in the world! He used to eat beans every day but now he won't touch them. I'm sure he will like them again later, so I will keep gently offering him all kind of things without judging what he "likes" and "dislikes".

 I will never force my child to finish the food on his plate, as that teaches kids how to force-feed themselves instead of stopping when they're full. I will never force him to eat a certain kind of food over another, as that would cause him to loose his awareness of his own unique daily needs. If he's eating too many cookies, it's because I'm buying too many cookies. I would never bring something into my home that was dangerous or unhealthy for him to eat large amounts of, or that would turn into a battle or a bargaining tool.

And speaking of which, I will never use food as a reward or punishment. Food is nourishment, an enjoyable family and personal activity, and a sacred ritual of self-care.

 I can't tell you how many parents come into the restaurant I work at and give their kids SWEET TEA. Or say things like "no dessert until you finish your chocolate chip pancake". Then again, these things mirror their own eating habits. If you want your kids to eat well, SHOW THEM HOW. That's the only way they can learn.

 He still nurses many times per day... a 2 year old can get a good 20-40% of important nutrients if they feed just a few times per day, because the milk is so nutritionally dense by that time. I DESPISE nursing because of D-MER, but I continue to do it for him. Not many moms have that option, so I'm not going to abuse the privilege by giving up yet.

 He has always been super thin but I've refused to know his percentile. The last time I accidentally saw it, it was 10-15%. I have heard so many parents panic about a number like that... but until he is off the chart, the number doesn't matter. He's within the range of normal and his personal curve is upward. He acts energetic.

 And he's learning new things every day with ease... he knows all the primary and secondary colors, he can count to 2 (well, he can count to 10 but he only understands the concept of "1" and "2"), and he understands that bees make honey, chickens make eggs, and mommy and daddy made Luca :) Grow vegetables also make a seamless connection from world to dinner plate.... though he still won't eat anything leafy :) That's just fine with me.

Mother's Day

I love being this little boy's mommy.

Festival of Legends

Today we went to Chapel Hill together, just me and Luca, for the 2nd annual Festival of Legends.
It was so much fun, and nearly every person was in costume. Steampunk, pirates, faeries, renaissance, medieval, sci-fi/fantasy, full body leather armor... you name it, there was a group of folks in costume for it. And the goods!! The art, the costumes... a lot of it surprisingly affordable. I got a cloak with a hood for $60 , a mini cape (more awesome than a cardigan for evening wear, and only $15), a waist-cincher for only $10, and a wooden sword and shield for Luca (for only $15)...


 I have a rule about non-essential purchases. Put it on a list for at least a month, and if you still want it, start searching for the best deal. The items I bought today were all on my list for several months if not years.




3/4 length cape with hood (it's navy with green accents)


waist corset and mini cape (black with red accents)

 I only had one impulse buy... a leather necklace from Ribbons and Rivets. One of the artists was an old co-worker of mine, from back when I was a sophomore  in college. I was just so impressed and inspired by the fact that she was making a living doing what she loved, and doing it so well... I had to buy something to show my support. And now I have a beautiful necklace!




Here are some pics from the festival:



This man gave Luca a "gold" coin!

Belly dancing with fire.


Eating a sandwich in the mini cape.


Vaudeville performers.


King Arthur and the Black Knight... the jousting wasn't faked or anything!


The singing Sphinx.


Elf?


Teaching kids how to sword fight.


Is that a walking mushroom?


It's Luca!


Of course, the one shot with me in it, and my baby's head is covering up my elaborate eye makeup.


Luca and one of the Nickel Shakespeare Girls taking refuge from the rain.

eat, sleep, breathe, repeat

Apparently, Luca can count. One day he just started counting out loud and didn't stop until he got to 8. Our jaw just dropped to the floor.

He likes to say "nnnnnnnnnoooooooo" while raising his eyebrows and looking at you like "yeah right".

He also says "Nice." Like "Hey Luca I made you a sandwich" "OH! Nice."





He is very sweet and loves to give people hugs and kisses. He and his friend Leo actually played TOGETHER for the first time, chasing each other around and saying baby words to each other.

We went to the playground this morning, and he sat on my lap the whole time! This is not uncommon for him (though he is much more adventurous with daddy around). It's fine with me, since I'd rather be resting then chasing him all over the place. I hung out with some really great mamas.

I have been sleeping in my own room on the nights when I work evenings. Go figure, Luca actually sleeps better without me around. He is also sort of night weaned. As he nurses to sleep at night, I tell him "Remember, you get nursies in the morning when the sun comes up. Night time is for sleeping. If you wake up, we do cuddles and go night night. Then you get nursies when the sun comes up." And I stick to that. I say "night night, cuddle with mommy" when he wakes up, and I ignore him otherwise. He usually falls asleep on my arm or chest, and then I just remove him so I can sleep more comfortably.





We bought a futon!! This couch has such great vibes... we bought it from an artist, who bought it from a couple who traveled with it around the world. We only paid $75 for it, and the mattress is super fluffy and the frame is real sturdy and all wood. The pin that keeps the frame in the groove is coming out on one side, but some wood glue will fix that.

We did our taxes and were shocked to find out we will be getting back $5,000. This puts our tax rate at -23% (yes, negative). This is going to be a big help... we can now afford to buy our own used car. The car is the last big thing we depend on my parents for. If we sell Ash's guitar, we might also be able to afford solar panels for the house! It isn't so bad being poor if you're married and you have a kid. But it took this tax break, the food stamps, and my parents' help to make it through life bellow the poverty line. We were down to our last $20 at one point this year.

Ash and I got a lawyer to write our wills this week. We wanted the peace of mind that Luca would be raised by who we want him to be raised by, should we "perish in a common disaster" (as the will says). We also got livings wills saying we don't want our life prolonged if we have a terminal illness or are in a vegetative state. I also put on there that I want my organs all donated.

We have been reading a lot of Osho lately. This is causing some major shifts in our personal philosophies and it feels so good, but also a little scary... it feels good to grow, it only hurts when you resist. Fear hurts more than anything. As Osho says, a tree does not hurt as it grows... only humans have figured out how to be neurotic enough to make it painful!

First night away from baby

Thought I would outline a typical day for us:

7:30am Luca wakes
7:45am Luca is done running around the bed and letting us sleep in.
8:00am One of us makes breakfast while the other one puts together appetizers for Luca, or plays with him, or just holds him if he is teething.
 8:15am Everyone eats slowly because Luca wants to switch back and forth between our laps and his own chair, or he is spilling stuff, or he is asking lots of questions about what we're doing.
 9:00am I watch the baby outside while Ash works on a farm project (unless I go to work in the morning, then Ash takes him out to play after I leave).
 11:00am Cook and eat second breakfast, and/or Luca meltdown. He will either fall asleep now or power through.
 12:00pm Clean up the kitchen. Luca free play inside while we clean, unless he is too grumpy, then we turn on Mr. Rogers or Curious George. I will sometimes do internet stuff at this point while Ash cleans.
 1:00pm Ash puts Luca down for his nap. I either go somewhere else to take a nap if Luca didn't sleep well last night, or I do my own farm projects. My mom leaves to go to work.
 3:00pm Luca wakes up and I go to work, or Ash goes to pick up Quinten from school.
3:30pm Snack. This is when Luca eats the majority of his food for the day.
 4:00pm Ash does his internet time before he goes to work, if I'm not at work. Otherwise he watches Luca while he plays, sometimes getting more work done in the garden or working on writing his songs, depending on how independent Luca is feeling. This is when I get home from work if I work in the morning.
 6:00pm Dinner, eating and clean up.
7:30pm Papaw comes home and Luca plays with him before bed.
8:00pm Bedtime.

10pm I get home from work around this time, Luca wakes to nurse.
12am or Ash gets home from work at this time, Luca wakes to nurse.
2am Luca wakes and asks to nurse, cries when I say no (sometimes for an hour).
6am Luca wakes and asks to nurse, cries when I say no.
 7:30am wakes up for a new day!

 So you can see, if one of us is at work during the day, or if Luca doesn't get a nap, or if we have any errands that take place outside of the house... nothing gets done. And by "nothing" I mean things on our to-do list (plant the potatoes, plaster exterior, stack urbanite, dig beds, etc). A lot of jobs on a farm or that take place outdoors are time sensitive, depend on good weather, or can only happen if we are physically well (I'm not building shelves after getting off work, for example). Put that together with the unpredictability of a child (maybe he only naps an hour today, maybe he has a fever and needs more attention), and you have projects that only take an hour or two taking 1-2 weeks to complete.

 So we came up with a plan- we would make Monday Ash's day to get stuff done, and Tuesday my day to get stuff done. Monday night would be Luca's first night away from mommy, and a chance for mom to get some much-needed sleep. Night weaning was going so slowly (we have been doing this since he turned 15 months, so 4 months) and we thought if it wasn't too much of an emotional strain for him, it would hurry along night weaning as well. Ash had his time and did a bunch of music stuff on Monday night.

 Unfortunately, I didn't sleep at all Monday night, what was supposed to be my first glorious night away from the baby, because I had food poisoning. I slept from 3am-5am only. So Ash continued to do his projects on Tuesday, while I laid in bed with the baby watching movies. So I didn't get to do any of my projects at all. And last night was only a little better... I slept from 9pm to 1am and was up sick the rest of the night. It was very nice to have my own bed to be sick in, though. I didn't have to worry about waking them up and I had plenty of room.

 Luckily Luca did very well without me. He woke twice but didn't cry at all, and daddy just had to pick him up once to get him back to sleep. This is a big load off my shoulders and I can't wait until I get better, so I can maybe sleep through the night for the first time in 2 years!!

Luca's first story

This morning, we went to the farm of a friend of ours (Bull City Farm), because a bunch of baby lambs were born recently. When we got home and ate lunch, I asked Luca if he remembered what animals we saw this morning.













"Uhhh...HEE HAW HEE HAW"

"That's right! We saw a donkey. What other animals did we see?"

".... BAA. BAAAAA."

"That's right, sheep!"

"Mama...baby...nursies...BAAA."

"Yes the lambs were having nursies, that's right!"

"Chicky! PEEP PEEP"

And that was about the closest thing to a story he has ever told us!! It was also the first time, unprompted, he recalled things from his memory to share with us.

He was also using more adjectives this week... saying "Tree. Big tree." And when he saw the full moon he said "Moon! Light...ball...moon!" He will also FINALLY answer questions directly, like if I ask him if he wants some food he shakes his head and says "YES" or "ALRIGHT!"

He has had a couple more poops and pees on the potty as well. It's really weird, going from ECing up until a year old... to doing practically traditional potty training.

Using Jay Gordon's method we are down to one night nursing. The method basically says "if your kid is over 12 months and in your bed, it's ok if they cry". It feels true to us.

One picture from a play date

Luca and Leo had a play date at Stay and Play and then we went to Leo's house.
I think this is the cutest picture we could have possibly gotten of them.

Samsara

So much good going on, lately.

Our house-building has been stalled because of bad weather (winter weather... in winter? Go figure!), but that hasn't stopped the building of our selves. Ash has reached particularly new heights as he becomes more dedicated to meditation. We both have been exploring new ways of manipulating our energy together, which has led to deep bonding with each other and healing within ourselves.

Today Ash said, "Can I brush your hair? I just want to pamper you."

Uuuuhhhhhh...... YES.

I feel cherished and every woman should feel this way. Every person has the right to be in a relationship free of addiction, selfishness, anger... but the bar is set so low. It is "normal" to argue. It is "normal" to be dissatisfied. No, no, no! It is normal to love and be loved, to support each other and to grow as individuals. It is normal to feel good together, not by idealizing or idolizing one another, but by being present and healing to one another.

It is a blessing to be a woman, and I didn't even know it until now. After reading "The Red Tent" and then reading "The Return of the King", I realized how much I had suffered growing up and only reading male stories, by men for men. I idolized war heros because western society doesn't recognize mothers. I became masculine in my spirit as I fantasized about journeys of the world. But the feminine journey is an internal one. I discovered that while giving birth... ecstatic, dynamic, loving, sensual, breathing, holding, teaching.... that is what it means to be a woman. Men don't have the luxury of their initiation being biologically forced on them, which is why so many cultures have intense initiation rites to turn boys into men. Mapping, climbing, steering, competing, cooperating, working, learning... this is what it means to be a man.

I finally got ahold of a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility"... and I am so appalled that I don't know all of this stuff already. I am so appalled that they don't teach this to everyone. Do you know how many unwanted pregnancies could be avoided with this information?? I'm leaning more and more toward getting this IUD out and using natural methods to avoid conception. I can't believe I don't even know how long my cycles are, let alone on which day I ovulate.

The more I heal, the more I become open to the idea of having more children.

I went through a lot of suffering that first year. I was so angry at everyone for lying to me, and for lying to themselves. All of those blog entries I had read... all those books... none of them had mentioned this suffering I was feeling. They were all full of lies... lies about the joys of motherhood. What joys? I felt no joy. I felt only suffering and thought I was doomed to a lifetime of misery. This was reality, to me. I hated my pregnant self for being happy and looking forward to the misery I didn't know awaited me.

Now Luca brings me so much joy every day. Now I feel the challenges along with the things that make it all "worth it". Now I accept that my life is harder. Now I feel the solid masculine energy of my partner alongside my dynamic feminine energy. I am the boat and he is the captain... and Luca is an adorable little dolphin that has decided to swim alongside us for a little while.

A mother's joys and sorrows

Two nights ago, Luca made it until 6am without nursing. I worked until midnight. He rolled over and cried at 4am, but fell asleep again. SUCCESS!!

We will just ignore all the crying he did last night and the night before. I think it has more to do with teething than anything. He is STILL getting in that 4th molar.

I'm re-reading "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant. I read it once when I was very young (sometime at the beginning of high school). But it's a completely different story to me now after having experienced pregnancy, birth, and being a mother.

This passage in particular stuck out to me (page 226 in my copy). The character has just given birth:

"There should be a song for women to sing at this moment, or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment. Like every mother since the first mother, I was overcome and bereft, exalted and ravaged. I had crossed over from girlhood. I beheld myself as an infant in my mother's arms, and caught a glimpse of my own death. I wept without knowing whether I rejoiced or mourned. My mothers and their mothers were with me as I held my baby."

Almost all of the mothers in this story had 4-12 pregnancies and lost at least 2 babies and had 2 miscarriages. As a modern woman miraculously exempt from this type of pain, I can only imagine that the sorrow is equal to a mother's joy in intensity.

Modern medicine is responsible for both sparing most women from that suffering, and the theft of joy that a glorious birth will bring. Few women now experience loss; at the same time, those women are disempowered, shamed into silence, and no one is left to comfort them.

I had a home birth because I knew that, as a healthy woman, my chances of experiencing heartbreak were far less than my chances of experiencing pure bliss. I knew that in a hospital, my chances of experiencing loss might be reduced, but my chances of having a triumphant, ecstatic birth were almost certainly zero. This is the comfort zone of our culture- reduce the risk of birth, even if it means eliminating all chance of empowerment. Ironically, they have ultimately failed to reduce risk, with higher infant and maternal mortality resulting from cesarean births than with births like mine.

When I think of all the disempowered women struggling to raise their infants with litte help, struggling to recover from the trauma of being ripped open, poked, prodded, harassed, belittled, degraded, shamed.... and doing it all while being told suck it up, you have a (overly expensive) roof over your head and (low quality) food to eat, why isn't that enough for you? I wonder if that's any better than loss? For thousands of years, our mothers felt loss and love together, both at full capacity, and not only survived but flourished without the self doubt, depression, and disempowerment that comes with the modern definition of "woman". Men also are loosing their empowerment, being raised to think they must take from women in every area... get a woman to take care of you, to give you sex when you ask, to give you devotion when you have none, to be your mother instead of your partner, to take the life or dignity of other men who threaten their manhood... insecurity abounds, enforced by our style of consumerism which profits by it.

I'm not saying that we should all throw away our birth control and squat in a forest when our time comes. I also realize it is easy for me to say all of these things having never experienced the loss of a child. I'm very grateful I have the luxury of choosing not to have any more kids and to explore other paths of fulfillment in life. I'm grateful for plastic and vaccines and that I know what pineapples taste like. But I mourn for the lost days of clarity in the face of death and suffering, knowing what it means to be a woman or a man, and to be connected to others in sharing love and loss; to really know and feel what it means to live and die, not as a life-long struggle for survival... but as your birthright to thrive.

I think I'd like to start a red tent. A safe place for women to gather and talk about anything, once a month. It's already being done all over the world... but I don't think locally. If anyone knows differently, let me know.

Enrichment

When I was pregnant, I did a lot of research into fun stuff to do at home with toddlers. Especially Montessori-inspired activities, that help small people do what big people are doing.

Well, after a very long time of waiting, Luca is old enough to start doing BIG BOY STUFF!! Here he is helping daddy make dinner.





Greg made Luca and Leo each a learning tower, which we are very excited about. Because Luca sure throws a fit if he can't see what's going on up on the counter, and we're sick of holding him!

Goodbye to Dr. Luby

I received news today that my professor from UNC and violin teacher for 3 months unexpectedly died.

I went to his house to have a lesson with him when I was a senior in high school. I was extremely nervous about playing for him, as I was extremely nervous about playing in general, and about being accepted to UNC. His house was very cool, like all professors' homes you get to see, filled with antiques and trinquets from world travel. I was relieved that he was so nice and that he acknowledged that I was nervous. No one had ever said it out loud, much less that it was ok to be nervous. I think most people were either blind to it because I was very good at hiding it, or because they chose to ignore it.

While studying with him, I improved a great deal technically but I also discovered strengths I didn't know I already had. I remember playing Etudes while he pushed me to sight read faster and faster. I was playing so quickly that I was doing it without thinking, which was a big deal for me since I tended to over-think and inhibit myself. I didn't even know I sight read that way until he got it out of me.

Toward the end of the semester, I was falling to pieces. I missed a lesson because I missed my bus. I was late because I overslept. But instead of being chewed out, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that my boyfriend had just gone back home to Charleston and that I wasn't enjoying school very much. He said "That must be hard"; a simple acknowledgement of my feelings that no one had given me before. Then he asked, "Are you going to leave school?" "Yes." "Well, I understand how hard it is to be away from someone you love. But I hope if you come back, that we get to work together again." And then we finished our last lesson together.

Dr. Luby was the only adult at that time in my life who acknowledged my feelings as valid, and expressed any understanding or support for the choice I had made to leave school. He was also the first teacher I had who made me believe that I was talented, not by telling me but by helping me to fulfill my own potential. So thank you, Dr. Luby, for sharing the gift of music with me as a teacher, and for being a real person at a time when I needed it.

Flu :(

Well, we got the flu.

This is day 9 of respiratory symptoms for me, day 4 of a sore throat, but at least the body aches only lasted 3 days. Luca has been very sick too, but not sick enough to stop playing! Luckily Ash only got a sore throat and headachey symptoms, so he was able to get up and make food for us, etc. My parents are also helping when they can, keeping him occupied, but they too are mildly sick like Ash.

We have watched a stupid amount of TV and movies during this illness. But we didn't feel well enough to do much else. I haven't seen the sky in 4 days, and there has been an ice storm anyhows so we can't even go outside for a minute! Too risky with this cough.

Yesterday, Luca was sitting on the couch next to dada watching Star Wars (the bad one).... and he fell asleep. Just like that! All by himself. He has never fallen asleep all by himself before. He just slumped over and leaned on Ash's shoulder and was asleep.

Sleep update

On Christmas night, Luca slept through the night. He did it again the next night. He did it again last week. This week he has his fourth molar coming in, so it's back to super sad baby, day and night.

But we have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.... and it feels good.

Daddy has completely taken over nap duty... he puts Luca on his shoulder and walks him for less than 5 minutes and he's out. He will sleep for 1-1.5 hours alone, or 2-2.5 hours if we are with him. I just walked him to sleep tonight, while listening to a record, which is his favorite (and my favorite) way to go to sleep. Gives my poor nipples a break!

My favorite part of the day is first thing in the morning. When all three of us are in bed together, it's so nice. He's usually in a great mood when he first wakes up, and either starts playing silly games like "I see you...BOO!!" or giving us lots of cuddles. We keep books in the bed at all times for family reading time, and a couple of cute stuffed animals to practice giving hugs and kisses to.

Now that post partum depression isn't completely over-shadowing my life, I can actually enjoy breastfeeding a little bit. It's amazing how much easier life is when you aren't depressed every day.

I'm still moving forward with my gentle night weaning program... he was down to nursing every 4 hours until his tooth which put him back up to every 2 hours. I gave him ibuprofen tonight to see if it will help him sleep.

He's such an extreme child! He's happily playing for 5 minutes and then all of a sudden- WAAAAAAHHHH this scream that sounds like he lost his leg, but he only can't get the lid off of a jar. He's at level 0 or 100, no in between! If only I had known this about his personality when he was little, I would have understood his cries a lot better, and maybe not panicked so much about them. I have to raise my voice quite a bit- not because I'm yelling at him (ok, sometimes I do), but because he can't hear me over his own crying unless I do. He's whining and whining and finally I'm like "WHAT IS IT LUCA?? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!" And he gives a more quiet whine, and then we say "use your words, tell mommy what you want" and he says very loudly "UP!" or "TITSY" (thirsty) or makes the nursies sign. All day long, my poor ear drums are subject to that WHINE WHINE WHINE. It drives me batty. Every want and need is this huge emergency to him. And mostly, he just wants to be held all the time so he can see what is going on up on the table, the counter, etc. And then he cries when he's not allowed to play with knives, or the hot stove, or whatever else it is that he's obsessing over.

I'm so excited about our tiny house. ALL of our possessions are in boxes in my mom's dining room or in the spare bedroom where we are sleeping. I'm proud to say a good 25% of my boxes are full of books!! I can't wait to move in the necessities and THROW AWAY all the rest of my crap. I always feel so good when I get rid of stuff.

Here is Luca and Leo playing together at the build site:



Sadly, this is the most recent family photo, taken by my sister:



I remember making him that bib when I was pregnant!

Christmas, Luca's first photos, building

Christmas:











Building the house:















Luca's first photographs: