Technology: blessing or curse?

I observed two things in this video: the obvious message, of smart phones preventing humans from enjoying what is going on around them, and the second less intentional message. The further we get from ourselves and our loved ones, the more we feel a great urge to reconstruct what we have lost through media. For example, taking selfies constantly ("look at me I have friends, this photo proves it", "look at me enjoying parenthood, this smile proves it"). We are fighting to build a sense of identity and fulfillment, but are in fact fighting fire with fire. Pretty soon, you have a chicken-or-the-egg thing going on.... because people don't realize why they are unhappy. "Look at all the awesome shit that happened to me this year, on my facebook timeline!" Too bad you weren't there to enjoy any of it.

And then there's the physical reality of it to consider, too. More stimulation = needing more stimulation... that's a scientific fact. We browse our phones because... we browse our phones. Real life doesn't happen fast enough to keep us engaged anymore. This is why we pick them up even when we don't need information from them. But this can be easily solved by simply putting it down. A moment of self-control can bring several moments of calm and connection, later. If the habit can be made, it can be unmade. But doing must be replaced by non-doing.

Ash and I struggled a lot with this last year. I get annoyed when he is on his iPhone, he gets annoyed when I am on my laptop. What we are really asking is for our unmet needs to be met: we need connection and consideration from others. Through communication, we have worked out how to gently give each other signals when we feel lonely or irritated as as result of this habitual behavior. We are also working on how to allow each other the time to do important work that needs to be done in the cyber world (that could be called "adjusting expectations"). As long as we are using technology to enrich our lives and not to satisfy our urges, we can use it in a healthy way. As long as we frequently check in with each other and ourselves about what our needs are, we can be sure of what stage we are in (enrichment or itch-scratching).

For those of you who have not begun these discussions in your relationships, I give you these words of encouragement: it DOES get better!

PARENTING with technology:

 I watched a TED talk on the research on the topic, which I highly recommend... to summarize, for every 3 hours of screen time, you need at least one hour of highly engaging real world time to make up for it. Roughly. This is based off of the correlation between screen time and ADD, which I think is a great indicator of how much is too much. For every 1 hr of screen time, the risk of ADD goes up 10%. And for every hour of visiting a museum, playing outside, doing puzzles with daddy... the risk goes down 30%. Obviously it's seriously oversimplifying the situation to think like this... but it's all I have at the moment to go by!

Every parent knows screens are a GOD SEND for when you need to get stuff done. Just keep this nifty little ratio, 1:3, in mind as a guide for when enough is enough, and when more is more.

If you are unhappy with the current amount of screen time your family uses, here are some ideas to try that worked for our family:

1) Model the behavior you wish to see in your child. Use technology during designated hours only, to enrich your life, and not compulsively or in social situations (including family social situations). Enrichment can take the form of work, play, learning, or communicating with others (yes, this includes Facebook!). Model appropriate responses to violating these rules (don't beat yourself up, just check in with yourself and express gratitude to yourself for doing so).

Sometimes this means only using technology after dinner or before dinner. Sometimes it's a screen-free day once per week, or once per month. Or it could be never using a device for more than 2 hours in a row. But it's important to have a clear understanding of when it is hurtful to others to be on your Gameboy (at the dinner table, in the grocery store, etc) and when it is beneficial (when you're in the waiting room at the dentist, on a long car ride, etc). There's a time and a place for everything, and a whole new set of etiquette to figure out.

2) Don't use it as a reward, or withhold it as a punishment. I'm not a fan of this parenting strategy for anything, but that's another topic. THE INTERNET IS NOT A COOKIE!! It is an amazing tool for self-betterment. It is, in my opinion, a human right to access information for free at any time they wish. I am also a firm believer that, given the choice, a healthy child/person will not choose to stare at a screen for hours every day. An hour to two, sure, don't you?

If a child turns to TV or video games for several hours a day, chances are their real life is lacking something that they need. This may be because everyone else is staring at a screen and they aren't connecting with others. Or it may be because school is stressing them out and they crave that dopamine spike that comes from the instant gratification of the virtual world. Or it may be because they lack awareness of how their actions affect others. Do some exploring.

3) I have seen the same results from the technique I use with junk food, with screen time. Keep in mind, my kid is only 2... but I used to use these ideas with older kids I babysat, too.

(Edit: My food strategy is: I don't keep stuff at the house that I don't want him to eat. I allow him to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I cook meals and if he doesn't eat them, whatever. No battles! And with no bad choices around, his diet is perfectly balanced, long term.)

First step is, if you don't want them to be on screens all the time, DON'T HAVE A BUNCH OF SCREENS IN THE HOUSE. In other words... if there is too much screen time going on, there may be too many screens in the first place. Figure out a good number of screens that works for your family to fulfill everyone's needs. This will require you to retire some of your old justifications for why you had them in the first place. Which is hard to do.

I'm all for kids having cells phones for emergencies, to take pictures with their friends, to communicate with them, whatever. But just pick the cheapest piece of crap they have in the place. They will get over the social embarrassment by having superior people skills.

One laptop per family is convenient. Two laptops per family is a luxury. One tablet, smartphone and computer for each person is completely overkill. There is no way you could justify "needing" that many devices. The right number of devices varies by family... but again, if you are feeling like there is too much screen time, then you should probably seriously reconsider the number you have now.

Video games are tons of fun, but are still material luxuries and should be treated as such. Consoles should be kept in a communal, family place and not in children's bedrooms. They should be a bonding experience, not an isolating one. If you buy an Xbox, sell your PlayStation. SIMPLIFY!

If you need further motivation to stop buying so many electronics, then so some Google searches on all the shit going down in Africa. Half of those conflicts are caused by fighting for control over the mining industry, which provides the metals used to make our luxury products. It's blood diamonds all over again.There are also websites which can tell you which electronics companies are actually making an effort to solve this problem.

4) When talking about this subject, be delicate. We're discussing real human needs and feelings... this is not the time for an "I'm the parent and I said so" power game. Be vulnerable and honest about your feelings, and you are more likely to get your needs met... while learning about the needs of your child as well.

"When you rush upstairs to play video games after school, it makes me feel lonely, and distant from you. I really love spending time with you and hearing about your day, because you are my child and I love you. I was wondering if you would mind spending 30 minutes each day after school with me, just relaxing and chatting. Then you can do whatever you need or want to do afterward. How do you feel about what I just said?"

For clarity on how to do this, I highly recommend the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenburg. He also has a lot of YouTube videos, for you screen junkies!