Coming out of the fog...

The more I come out of this fog, the more I realized what a dense, dark fog I was swallowed by in the first place.

These past 6 months have been rough. Not because of what was happening so much as how I was experiencing it. The shock of becoming a parent, the stress of having a colicky baby, the constant sleep deprivation... moms really are the warriors of the world. No matter how they end up dealing with these issues, we're all pretty amazing for getting through it at all!!

And now he's older and it's such a joy to be with him every day. He smiles all the time. He explores his surroundings (sitting up by himself!!). He charms strangers. It's repetitive, it's exhausting, but I'm finally, finally understanding what all those moms mean when they say "it's worth it."

I had acupuncture yesterday, and it reduced my stress and reved my appetite. I went to Whole Foods and got the biggest plate of food I could eat. I am continuing to eat as much food as I can, and stop worrying so much about Luca's sensitivities (I'm still eliminating the foods I was before, but I'm not looking for new ones anymore until we get him an allergy test). I realized, I can't be a good mom if I'm starving myself. Being hungry makes you grumpy all the time no matter what is happening. I baked myself a loaf of pumpkin bread and a double batch of honey vanilla cookies. The acupuncturist told me to eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted, otherwise my stress will consume me. So, I wanted cookies.... AND NOW I GOT THEM. I feel so much better after eating pumpkin bread all day today. It really makes a difference to have ready-made food, when you're trying to eat more. Especially delicious, ready-made food.

Now I just have to figure out how to make some money. I only have one violin student so far, and she only comes every other week and only until she can find a more advanced teacher. It is so hard to do anything with your brain when you haven't gotten much sleep, I worry about my ability to work at all under these conditions! But there really isn't anything else I can do for money right now. Maybe after Luca is older, I can go back to school or start exploring some of the career options I have had my mind on for a while. If there's anything I've learned from the last 6 months, it's that I'm not cut out to be a 100% full time stay at home mom. You need some serious mental balance to handle that, and I don't think I'm properly equipped. Hats off to my mom, who did it with 5.


I have some super cute pictures, I just have to get them uploaded...

Blech

First half of the day was marvelous... we walked to Forest Hills park. The weather was a perfect 70 on Feb 1st! I made the most delicious muffins.

Then he pooped blood again (no more baked goods for me). I smashed my elbow on the fridge so hard I cried for like 5 minutes. He barely napped 15 minutes twice (except while on the walk), and cried all day. Then Ash dropped a 32 oz bottle of water on his leg while he was falling asleep. I'm so tired. I don't know how my nerves can possibly handle any more stress... I think the only reason I haven't gone insane is the relaxation technique they taught me in Hypnobabies. I know that's the only reason I'm sleeping at all.

I've decided it's morally wrong for me to knowingly do this to another baby (and it's torture for me, not eating or sleeping enough anyways). So either I go on the GAPS diet while pregnant and nursing with the next one, or I don't have anymore kids. Which means between now and then, I need to figure out how to live on only meat and vegetables, and some fruits (and once he stops nursing, eggs, butter, coconut, some cheese and yogurt can be added).

Accepting change..

I have found a great group on Yahoo called The Food Lab... I feel like crying tears of joy, they are exactly what I need right now... a bunch if sweet, intelligent moms who have been through what I'm going through. They are so supportive. They have helped me realize a few things...

1) Being a new mom is HARD, but that's ok... it really will get easier. Big life adjustments are supposed to be hard.
2) Things will never be like they were before I had a baby, and that's ok too.
3) You have to surround yourself with people who are going through the same thing you are, otherwise you will feel depressed and isolated.
4) My suffering is real, and so is his (why is this so hard to admit?). I'm a good mom because I am willing to do anything for Luca... the less I doubt myself, the better a mom I can be.

And on a practical level... I think he is allergic to coconut too. Which sucks, because I am obsessed with it's amazing ability to be used for EVERYTHING.

His first road trip is tomorrow...

Luca slept 7 hours straight last night. THE BUTTER IS OUT OF MY SYSTEM JUST IN TIME FOR CHARLESTON TOMORROW!!! Now I have to figure out what I can still eat at my favorite restaurant in the world, Fast and French.

Sorry if this blog has been a downer lately. I'm not trying to complain, I'm just trying to make my internet portrayal of motherhood as accurate as possible. Too many mom blogs leave out the dirty details, and then when new moms like me get slammed with anxiety, it makes us feel alone and scared that something is wrong with us or the baby. Bull! This shit is hard and it's great to hear from others that it will get better...but first I had to let them know I was struggling at all.

I'm working on a bigger piece, all about marriage and having kids, but I have to wait until Ash has time to proof read and edit it before I post it (and yes, I proof read and edit anything you ever see him post :)

THERE IS BEAUTY ALL AROUND ME!!

Coffee blues

I just had a quarter cup of coffee and I almost blacked out! Suddenly I felt very nauseous and dizzy, and then my vision started going. I sat down and sipped some water until it went away. I didn't even have it on an empty stomach or anything!! The further I get in my pregnancy, the more sensitive I am to EVERYTHING. I really love the taste of coffee and am pretty bummed that I can't even sip on it occasionally anymore. Oh well.

I haven't felt Lucca move very much since the food poisoning episode, which of course has me irrationally worried. I feel a general anxiety and insecurity that I haven't felt since I was a teenager. I really need to do my hypnobabies track or my calm birth track and get refocused. I think I feel this way because pregnancy has been so disorienting for me... every day I wake up and am physically, mentally, and emotionally a different person. I have over 20 tabs open right now because I am about 10% involved in 20 different things. Ash is hyper focused on making this record and I am completely the opposite, thinking about too many things at once. When we get in different head spaces it becomes harder to cope. I like to operate on the same wavelength.

All I want to do is eat an entire tomato and then take a nap.

Edit: I have felt him move plenty since I wrote this yesterday :)