Coming out of the fog...

The more I come out of this fog, the more I realized what a dense, dark fog I was swallowed by in the first place.

These past 6 months have been rough. Not because of what was happening so much as how I was experiencing it. The shock of becoming a parent, the stress of having a colicky baby, the constant sleep deprivation... moms really are the warriors of the world. No matter how they end up dealing with these issues, we're all pretty amazing for getting through it at all!!

And now he's older and it's such a joy to be with him every day. He smiles all the time. He explores his surroundings (sitting up by himself!!). He charms strangers. It's repetitive, it's exhausting, but I'm finally, finally understanding what all those moms mean when they say "it's worth it."

I had acupuncture yesterday, and it reduced my stress and reved my appetite. I went to Whole Foods and got the biggest plate of food I could eat. I am continuing to eat as much food as I can, and stop worrying so much about Luca's sensitivities (I'm still eliminating the foods I was before, but I'm not looking for new ones anymore until we get him an allergy test). I realized, I can't be a good mom if I'm starving myself. Being hungry makes you grumpy all the time no matter what is happening. I baked myself a loaf of pumpkin bread and a double batch of honey vanilla cookies. The acupuncturist told me to eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted, otherwise my stress will consume me. So, I wanted cookies.... AND NOW I GOT THEM. I feel so much better after eating pumpkin bread all day today. It really makes a difference to have ready-made food, when you're trying to eat more. Especially delicious, ready-made food.

Now I just have to figure out how to make some money. I only have one violin student so far, and she only comes every other week and only until she can find a more advanced teacher. It is so hard to do anything with your brain when you haven't gotten much sleep, I worry about my ability to work at all under these conditions! But there really isn't anything else I can do for money right now. Maybe after Luca is older, I can go back to school or start exploring some of the career options I have had my mind on for a while. If there's anything I've learned from the last 6 months, it's that I'm not cut out to be a 100% full time stay at home mom. You need some serious mental balance to handle that, and I don't think I'm properly equipped. Hats off to my mom, who did it with 5.


I have some super cute pictures, I just have to get them uploaded...

Blech

First half of the day was marvelous... we walked to Forest Hills park. The weather was a perfect 70 on Feb 1st! I made the most delicious muffins.

Then he pooped blood again (no more baked goods for me). I smashed my elbow on the fridge so hard I cried for like 5 minutes. He barely napped 15 minutes twice (except while on the walk), and cried all day. Then Ash dropped a 32 oz bottle of water on his leg while he was falling asleep. I'm so tired. I don't know how my nerves can possibly handle any more stress... I think the only reason I haven't gone insane is the relaxation technique they taught me in Hypnobabies. I know that's the only reason I'm sleeping at all.

I've decided it's morally wrong for me to knowingly do this to another baby (and it's torture for me, not eating or sleeping enough anyways). So either I go on the GAPS diet while pregnant and nursing with the next one, or I don't have anymore kids. Which means between now and then, I need to figure out how to live on only meat and vegetables, and some fruits (and once he stops nursing, eggs, butter, coconut, some cheese and yogurt can be added).

Today was so great! Even without sleep. I was out all day with Danielle and Leo; we went to Cary (I HATE CARY I GOT SO LOST) for the Babywearers meeting. We learned Double Hammock, which is a really comfy back carry. I borrowed a wrap/mai tei hybrid.






I'm really glad that every mom I talk to says the first baby is always the hardest. Because I really do want more children...I could just do without the raging depression!! I really should not have stopped taking my placenta.

I feel depressed because I have been feeling bad, and it has prevented me from exercising or even leaving the house much. I really want to go for a brisk walk, but that sounds terrible at the same time. I'm hoping that after I am forced to get out of the house tomorrow for work, it will boost my energy enough to start exercising again. It's really boring just sitting around the house all day, watching TV (I hate TV, but my whole family watches it all day so I have started again as well) or sitting on the computer. Reading is a nice break, but I'm still not moving when I'm reading. I'm getting anxious because I know I only have 8 months to do the yoga to build the muscles necessary to give birth... and how many of those months am I going to feel like this? Who knows. I wish I had gone ahead and gotten in really serious shape before getting pregnant.

Ash and I have decided that is is really important for us to have our own space, and that we need to starting pursuing the house-building more aggressively. I'm going to start working on some sketches for a cob house to send to the cob guy for an estimate, and then schedule a visit to Virginia to look at the yurts. I can't imagine that a yurt is a better investment, but it's so tempting to think we would have it up in a week, whereas the cob cottage could take a year to build and a lot of our own labor.