It's all sort of paralyzingly exciting, nerve wracking, joyous...
I feel so different now. All that anticipation and romanticization is gone and now I am faced with reality. At first there was just sheer excitement, then sheer terror. Then there was the "this ain't gonna be like I imagined it..." and then there was "this is gonna be BETTER than I imagined it." I can't even look at pictures of my friends who are moms without thinking about them differently, as if my whole spirit is saying "now I understand". Ash also says he feels very different, even though he didn't expect to. My mom is so happy... she didn't resist at all to our choice of midwife, just asked us why we chose her. Thanks, mom.
I have been strangely compelled to watch "The Simpsons". There is something about their family dynamic that is comforting. I think it's because Bart and Lisa remind me of my older brother and myself growing up in the early 90's. I remember having a Lisa doll when I was little, even though I didn't know who she was because I wasn't allowed to watch that show. I just liked her because my cool older brother thought it was cool when I played with her.
I also feel a lot of guilt... I know there are so many women who can't even hope to get pregnant this quick, or who have been trying forever, or who are getting pregnant and aren't happy about it, or who are pregnant and living in slum-like conditions... it feels like too much good fortune for it to happen quickly, for me and my partner to be happy about it, and for me to be healthy. My heart is with all you women out there who are in circumstances less than ideal.
There is also the resistance to get too excited. As my midwife reminded me, there is a 33% chance of miscarriage in the first 8 weeks. I can't imagine why it is so high... I can't imagine why it would happen to me. But I guess I should be ready? I'm having a hard time predicting my EDD, since my cycle was so weird. They said to come in 6-8 weeks from now to have a check-up.
I'm trying really hard to do what I know I need to do, and stay really positive and strong... I know myself too well. If I let myself complain then I will start to feel worse (regarding morning sickness, back aches, fatigue, etc). I'm trying to change my language so that I stay positive ("boy, the baby is really growing strong today, I'm happy to give it my energy"). It helps. I have also been singing and loud and strong as I can (when my family plays music together), to get rid of some inhibition I have. It helps too.
Ash just picked up the guitar and wrote this little song... we think it's a boy so he used appropriate pronouns. I can't wait to see what this life experience does for his songwriting:
will he like animals or will he be scared?
will he be socially warm or unprepared?
will he like reading or playing in school?
will he like lord of the rings or will he be cool?
nobody can tell him who he can be
(except for you and me).
I'm voting for him (her) liking Lord of the Rings ;-)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to feel guilt. As one of those people who isn't able to get pregnant and wants to, yes - it's hard to hear about other people getting pregnant. But we (the collective group of women who can't get pregnant at the moment) are still happy for you. It's a huge blessing, and its' exciting to see it come to someone you care about.
I had the guilt thing too, about getting pregnant and then feeling bad that I was pregnant because I know there are other people who want to get pregnant so badly but can't, for whatever reason.
ReplyDeleteI guess the guilt is similar to the kind I feel about resource use.... "why should I have so much when others have so little?" Only I can do something about my resource use (and therefore the guilt) and I can't control my fertility.
ReplyDeleteAlso I should note to the people reading who DON'T know us... LORD OF THE RINGS IS AWESOME.
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