And so it begins..

It's all sort of paralyzingly exciting, nerve wracking, joyous...

I feel so different now. All that anticipation and romanticization is gone and now I am faced with reality. At first there was just sheer excitement, then sheer terror. Then there was the "this ain't gonna be like I imagined it..." and then there was "this is gonna be BETTER than I imagined it." I can't even look at pictures of my friends who are moms without thinking about them differently, as if my whole spirit is saying "now I understand". Ash also says he feels very different, even though he didn't expect to. My mom is so happy... she didn't resist at all to our choice of midwife, just asked us why we chose her. Thanks, mom.

I have been strangely compelled to watch "The Simpsons". There is something about their family dynamic that is comforting. I think it's because Bart and Lisa remind me of my older brother and myself growing up in the early 90's. I remember having a Lisa doll when I was little, even though I didn't know who she was because I wasn't allowed to watch that show. I just liked her because my cool older brother thought it was cool when I played with her.

I also feel a lot of guilt... I know there are so many women who can't even hope to get pregnant this quick, or who have been trying forever, or who are getting pregnant and aren't happy about it, or who are pregnant and living in slum-like conditions... it feels like too much good fortune for it to happen quickly, for me and my partner to be happy about it, and for me to be healthy. My heart is with all you women out there who are in circumstances less than ideal.

There is also the resistance to get too excited. As my midwife reminded me, there is a 33% chance of miscarriage in the first 8 weeks. I can't imagine why it is so high... I can't imagine why it would happen to me. But I guess I should be ready? I'm having a hard time predicting my EDD, since my cycle was so weird. They said to come in 6-8 weeks from now to have a check-up.

I'm trying really hard to do what I know I need to do, and stay really positive and strong... I know myself too well. If I let myself complain then I will start to feel worse (regarding morning sickness, back aches, fatigue, etc). I'm trying to change my language so that I stay positive ("boy, the baby is really growing strong today, I'm happy to give it my energy"). It helps. I have also been singing and loud and strong as I can (when my family plays music together), to get rid of some inhibition I have. It helps too.

Ash just picked up the guitar and wrote this little song... we think it's a boy so he used appropriate pronouns. I can't wait to see what this life experience does for his songwriting:

will he like animals or will he be scared?
will he be socially warm or unprepared?

will he like reading or playing in school?
will he like lord of the rings or will he be cool?

nobody can tell him who he can be
(except for you and me).

TTC and TTC

It's December and we have been officially trying to conceive for 32 days. Took a pregnancy test a few days ago because my temperature went up and stayed up! But it was negative. Still no Aunt Flo, sill the elevated temperature, so I guess I could have taken the test too early (the test was also a couple years old so that may have been a factor too). The instructions say wait 7 days before taking another test. The waiting game it is then.

I have been trying to hold out on any baby prep until I'm actually pregnant. But when I was in Amsterdam I was buying a present for a pregnant friend and I saw these PERFECT little leather booties (used of course). So I bought them (only 8 euro!!).



And recently I bought some crafting supplies and tried making a stuffed animal for the first time:





BUT I SWEAR THAT'S THE LAST BABY STUFF I WILL DO. The wool is 100% natural wool... but the felt is not, which made me feel pretty guilty. I am going to look at Joann's craft store next week to see if I can find some 100% recycled felt (100% wool felt is too expensive, until I have my own sheep).

I'm trying to conceptualize what I want our family's home to look like. In my head it has always been Bag End, Bilbo Baggins' home in "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of the Rings". Due to our lack of experience building things that don't fall down... we may be going with the yurt option and building add-ons (wood burning stove, greenhouse, deck). There is a group of people around here who know what they are doing (Carolina Cob) but I'm afraid to ask what they charge. A yurt will probably cost $10,000 total, including a bunch of add-ons but not all of the add-ons.... a lot less than rent and mortgage for the rest of your life!!
I have been collecting pictures of sustainable homes off of the internet for inspiration.





This is a picture of how a girl built a rocket stove into the floor of her yurt!! Very cool.





Then they did something REALLY cool... they wrapped piping around the heater and ran water through it. INSTANT HOT BATH!



My parent's roof is so huge, it could capture a LOT of water. There is already one rain barrel in place and it is always full all the time. One of the chickens tried to roost on it so I'm afraid there might be some chicken poop in there... sill chickens.

THE FUTURE IS EXCITING. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. The best prep for collapse is OPTIMISM!