I can officially say I am "2 months" along this week!

We got back from Atlanta at 10pm last night and I got up at 7am this morning to go to work. The dad was basically there all day, which was really frustrating, since I nearly killed myself to wake up and get there that early (not to mention cut our trip short to get home on time). I was shaking I was so nauseous, hungry and exhausted all day. Luckily he was kind enough to notice how tired I was, and he let me go home early. It's hard to get people to understand (and care about) my limitations, since nobody seems to care that I'm pregnant and that IT IS HARD TO BE PREGNANT. Everyone else works their 40 hours a week no matter what, I get it, I'm spoiled to be able to stay home and rest. But I refuse to let the guilt of the Protestant work ethic (from other people, no less) force me into being miserable. I WANT TO SLEEP.

The Atlanta trip was a nice visit, it seems that Ash's friends and family from back home are not only 100% supportive and excited about our farming ambitions, but are also 100% supportive of our home birth plans. Shocker!! We ate a lot of terrible food while we were there, it's amazing that there are actually towns that exist where there is nowhere to eat but Hardees or Applebees. I met Ash's Papaw and Nana for the first time. They are the sweetest old couple ever! Makes me wish I had bothered to wash my hair and put on something nice before stumbling into their front door after a 6 hour drive... Ash's friend Jay (who is a good decade older and was his mentor in high school) is moving to Berlin in a couple of years so we will officially have contacts in three European countries! And they are also planning to get pregnant soon so our kid will have kids to hang out with when we take them with us over there one day (assuming the global peak oil economic collapse holds off for the next 5 years or so).

I finally fulfilled my fast food craving by going to Evos today (the yuppie/hipster/hippie fast food place). I had the most delicious grass fed cheeseburger, baked fries, and organic chocolate milkshake. HIT THE SPOT LIKE NOTHING EVER HAS since I've been pregnant. I wish they were in Durham so I could go every week.

And so it begins..

It's all sort of paralyzingly exciting, nerve wracking, joyous...

I feel so different now. All that anticipation and romanticization is gone and now I am faced with reality. At first there was just sheer excitement, then sheer terror. Then there was the "this ain't gonna be like I imagined it..." and then there was "this is gonna be BETTER than I imagined it." I can't even look at pictures of my friends who are moms without thinking about them differently, as if my whole spirit is saying "now I understand". Ash also says he feels very different, even though he didn't expect to. My mom is so happy... she didn't resist at all to our choice of midwife, just asked us why we chose her. Thanks, mom.

I have been strangely compelled to watch "The Simpsons". There is something about their family dynamic that is comforting. I think it's because Bart and Lisa remind me of my older brother and myself growing up in the early 90's. I remember having a Lisa doll when I was little, even though I didn't know who she was because I wasn't allowed to watch that show. I just liked her because my cool older brother thought it was cool when I played with her.

I also feel a lot of guilt... I know there are so many women who can't even hope to get pregnant this quick, or who have been trying forever, or who are getting pregnant and aren't happy about it, or who are pregnant and living in slum-like conditions... it feels like too much good fortune for it to happen quickly, for me and my partner to be happy about it, and for me to be healthy. My heart is with all you women out there who are in circumstances less than ideal.

There is also the resistance to get too excited. As my midwife reminded me, there is a 33% chance of miscarriage in the first 8 weeks. I can't imagine why it is so high... I can't imagine why it would happen to me. But I guess I should be ready? I'm having a hard time predicting my EDD, since my cycle was so weird. They said to come in 6-8 weeks from now to have a check-up.

I'm trying really hard to do what I know I need to do, and stay really positive and strong... I know myself too well. If I let myself complain then I will start to feel worse (regarding morning sickness, back aches, fatigue, etc). I'm trying to change my language so that I stay positive ("boy, the baby is really growing strong today, I'm happy to give it my energy"). It helps. I have also been singing and loud and strong as I can (when my family plays music together), to get rid of some inhibition I have. It helps too.

Ash just picked up the guitar and wrote this little song... we think it's a boy so he used appropriate pronouns. I can't wait to see what this life experience does for his songwriting:

will he like animals or will he be scared?
will he be socially warm or unprepared?

will he like reading or playing in school?
will he like lord of the rings or will he be cool?

nobody can tell him who he can be
(except for you and me).