two steps forward, one step back

He seems to be super sensitive to gluten, since he has random grumpy days and night even when I eat the same things every day. It's amazing what has gluten in it or on it.. basically everything that comes in a package. After talking with the ladies at Foodlab, I'll be starting over in the new year, eliminating only the things that make sense to me (gluten, dairy, soy, coconut, tomatoes) and then going from there, eliminating only one food at a time. Much less maddening. I had eggs and bacon for breakfast and it felt so good!! I think eating rice cereal every morning was stupid, there wasn't enough fat or protein and I spent the rest of the morning in extreme low blood sugar mode, frustrated that I had to eat every 30 minutes.

Yesterday he had such a great day, all day. He was so happy. In the morning, I got bold and took his diaper off and never put it back on, so we're back in the game when it comes to ECing. I got peed on a few times, but he started a predictable pattern of peeing once every hour so we started catching them. We caught the daily poop at the end of the day, which is really the most important catch to make :) He would always cry when we put his diaper on, which made me feel so guilty for giving up on ECing right when he needed it most. His chronic diaper rash disappeared, his whining stopped... he just loves to be naked!

Everyone is visiting for the holidays, so mom and dad (us) are getting to enjoy the occasional nap, or free hands to eat a meal, or spare second to run to the bathroom. Aunt Alyssa is sitting with him outside (his favorite place in the world) while I type this. Two-handed typing, what a luxury!!

We're apartment hunting. Everything affordable seems to be in a terrible neighborhood! And the nice places disappear so quickly (we viewed one place and it was unavailable the next day).

Progress... finally.

The diet is working.

He has been so happy today... all day. It's amazing. And he slept from 8:30pm-3am straight last night. His cradle cap is going away. His eye stopped pussing. His rash is gone. I'm just waiting for a poop today so I can see if it is returning to normal color/smell/texture. Yesterday he made a tiny poop, and it was yellow and smelt so sweet!!



I am still getting over this sickness. There is fluid in my ears and some acute pain in my throat which I think are actually canker sores? I have a productive cough. I'm fatigued, but I was strong enough to wear him today.

I read him a book today for the first time, since he was happy enough to sit still, finally. It was "The Very Hungry Caterpillar".

I'm reading "Ender's Game". I need to be reading to feel like myself...so I am.



Tanya, who I met at the Babywearers meeting, gave me all her old diapers and they are amazing!! They fit him perfectly with room to grow. They are all fitted and contour diapers, Tiny Tush brand. Luca is so wide, he doesn't even fit in size large prefolds, so I was going to have to spend hundreds on buying all new fitted diapers if it hadn't been for Tanya!! I have experienced so much generosity since Luca was born, it's so inspiring. It reminds me that all I have to do to make the world a better place is to do good myself. Kindness is contagious.

Accepting change..

I have found a great group on Yahoo called The Food Lab... I feel like crying tears of joy, they are exactly what I need right now... a bunch if sweet, intelligent moms who have been through what I'm going through. They are so supportive. They have helped me realize a few things...

1) Being a new mom is HARD, but that's ok... it really will get easier. Big life adjustments are supposed to be hard.
2) Things will never be like they were before I had a baby, and that's ok too.
3) You have to surround yourself with people who are going through the same thing you are, otherwise you will feel depressed and isolated.
4) My suffering is real, and so is his (why is this so hard to admit?). I'm a good mom because I am willing to do anything for Luca... the less I doubt myself, the better a mom I can be.

And on a practical level... I think he is allergic to coconut too. Which sucks, because I am obsessed with it's amazing ability to be used for EVERYTHING.

sick again

It's just one thing after another. I'm sick. Just waiting for the baby to get it now.
I hope it's not the flu, since that's really bad for a baby to get.

ETA: He just pooped (every other day this week!!) and it was yellower and it even had some seedy texture to it!! I think the diet is working already!!

Teething?!

He's not even 4 months, and I can see a tooth coming in on the bottim right! I felt so much better after knowing why he was crying... I gave him my pinky to gnaw on and he felt better. It seems like one thing after another with this poor kid. I took a log of his Sunday in detail, and I was glad I did because it turned out to be a rough day. It was good to see confirmation that, yes, he does cry all the time and I have the right to claim to be as exhausted as I am. Sometimes I'm scared I'm just imagining it. Most days have felt unreal since he was born.

I had read that sometimes breastfeeding can make you feel aggressive... I wasn't sure about this until yesterday, when Ash took a shower, had a nap, and read a book whenever he wanted to, and it made me SO ANGRY. It's little things like that which I was completely unprepared to care about as a normal part of parenthood.

I decided to just go ahead and do the serious elimination diet, since he is nearing 4 months now and that's the cut off for developmentally-related fussing (as in, his digestive tract should be mature by now and working fine). I will revisit homeopathy after the teething and elimination diet is over, because right now it's too hard to tell what is causing what. So it's just turkey, lamb, pears, potatoes, rice, squash, salmon, carrots, oats, sunflower seeds, and grapes for me for two weeks.

He had several moments in the past couple of days where he seemed like a normal baby to me. He took a nap for two hours. He stayed happy for a whole hour another day. And on one of those days, I sat in a chair and sat him in my lap, and he just chilled for ten minutes like it was no big deal. I took an hour nap while daddy watched him yesterday, and woke up feeling like a different person... one who really enjoyed being with her baby. In those moments, I felt like myself again.... it felt amazing.

Homeopathy

Luca, 3.5 months:



I'm a big fan of homeopathy, and our family has been seeing Susan Delaney for years (since we were babies!). I took Luca to her on Monday, to see if she could help with his colic. She gave us three remedies to try. The first did not work (actually made it worse). Last night and this morning he took the second remedy... he's like a different baby today! He is still fussy, but he has had two periods of about half an hour where he was not only happy, but BEAMING and playing and having fun!! Tomorrow should be even better.. but how he sleeps tonight should be the real test. Last night he only cried when he woke up at about 6:30am (rather than every 2 hours like the rest of the week). I'm hoping he brings back his 4-6 hour stretch like when we were in Charleston! Dr. Delaney said it was curious he did better in Charleston, because the remedy she gave us (the second one, the one we're on now) comes from a plant that grows on the seashore.

Luca managed to grab his feet this morning for the first time... he was so proud of himself! Then he couldn't get them in his mouth and got mad. Right now he is playing with my sweater sleeve while I type... it's so sweet. It's so nice to see him actually play. I feel like his development has been a bit delayed because of his crying all the time. He has so much more time to learn now!

Here we are at our favorite restaurant in the world, G&M. He made a big poop and we had left the diaper bag at home:

First trip = :)

Charleston has been good for all of us... especially Luca. He slept 6-7 hours every other night. On two days, he took a nap so long that the whole family got a nap. He figured out how to reach out and grab toys. He has pooped every single day!! The ride here (normally 4.5 hours) took 7.5 hours... hopefully the ride home will have less stops. But overall, we're all leaving here a bit happier than we were before!

His first road trip is tomorrow...

Luca slept 7 hours straight last night. THE BUTTER IS OUT OF MY SYSTEM JUST IN TIME FOR CHARLESTON TOMORROW!!! Now I have to figure out what I can still eat at my favorite restaurant in the world, Fast and French.

Sorry if this blog has been a downer lately. I'm not trying to complain, I'm just trying to make my internet portrayal of motherhood as accurate as possible. Too many mom blogs leave out the dirty details, and then when new moms like me get slammed with anxiety, it makes us feel alone and scared that something is wrong with us or the baby. Bull! This shit is hard and it's great to hear from others that it will get better...but first I had to let them know I was struggling at all.

I'm working on a bigger piece, all about marriage and having kids, but I have to wait until Ash has time to proof read and edit it before I post it (and yes, I proof read and edit anything you ever see him post :)

THERE IS BEAUTY ALL AROUND ME!!

Today was so great! Even without sleep. I was out all day with Danielle and Leo; we went to Cary (I HATE CARY I GOT SO LOST) for the Babywearers meeting. We learned Double Hammock, which is a really comfy back carry. I borrowed a wrap/mai tei hybrid.






I'm really glad that every mom I talk to says the first baby is always the hardest. Because I really do want more children...I could just do without the raging depression!! I really should not have stopped taking my placenta.

Sigh.

This week: back to square one. Crying all day, all night. Misery. HELL. The thought of leaving the house is terrifying. I forget to eat. He wakes up at least half of the time screaming in pain, inconsolably.

The only thing I can think of is that I ate a bunch of cookies with butter in them on Sunday. Can that seriously cause writhing in pain for a whole week??? It's obviously a food allergy, but since I lack the willpower to stay away from dairy, and I'm not keeping a food diary (BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT) I have no idea if I'm even doing all I can.

I'm so confused all the time. He seems so miserable.

SLEEP!!

He has been sleeping so well!! It's amazing what some real sleep can do for your mood (and vise versa). He was so sweet today... his vision is so good, he smiles as I approach. He keeps staring at his own hands, and I've started giving him grasping toys. He sat in the bouncy chair having fun all by himself while I cleaned out my dresser drawers. They were all right when they told me... the 3 month mark is a big deal. And he isn't officially 3 months for two more days! I think I can finally start counting his age in months now that he isn't in the fourth trimester anymore.

A random lady at Whole Foods stopped me and said "Oh! You had your little one!" Apparently she had seen me several times there when I was pregnant! Funny.

I'm really, REALLY excited to get started building our house. I've been flipping through "The Hand Sculpted House" and getting great ideas.

I was getting rid of some old clothes when I came across all my maternity clothes. "Better save these for the next one", I thought. Oooooh brother.

A day out

As the Charleston trip draws nearer, I keep looking for signs in his development that make it seem like it won't be a miserable failure. He has slept 5-6 hours a a time every other night this week. So that's amazing. But in the car... he almost made it all the way to Siler City today without crying (1 hour and 15 minutes). Actually, he would have made it all the way if Ash hadn't gotten pulled over for speeding (one of those things where you're on a highway and everyone is going 70 mph, and then suddenly it's not a highway and the speed limit drops to 55mph...but you're still going 76 mph. Oops.). He had a lovely day at Circle Acres, visiting his baby friend Leo. It was cold, but he seemed to love it. He cracked up every time the wind blew. We learned about making cob ovens, cover crops, and starting fire with friction. But on the way home, he started crying and we had to stop for a while to try and figure out what he wanted (he ended up nursing and screaming for like 20 minutes, I'm guessing because he hasn't pooped in 3 days again, and his tummy is uncomfortable).

So unless he suddenly matures and stops being such a silly pooper, I really don't want to attempt a road trip. But Ash really doesn't want to leave Luca for a week. And not only would I miss Ash terribly, but no one would be here to cook me healthy meals!!

I'm really confused at this point why people ever have more than one kid.

Either:
1) Most people must have easier babies
2) Most people can handle sleep deprivation better than me
3) Most people enjoy the non-newborn periods so much, that this is worth it (likely I will fall into this category)
OR,
4) People just forget how miserable this is??

I love him more than anything, but I feel terrible all the time and can't wait until he grows up a bit. I really want more than one child, but I'm not sure how many newborn periods I can survive with my sanity intact.

Here's a picture from our date at Rue Cler, where he did surprisingly well (fell asleep right as we got there, ran out of patience as we were finishing dessert).


Here's him with his baby friend, Leo!

SLEEP

Monday night: 5 hour stretch followed by a 5 hour stretch followed by a 1 hour stretch (got out of bed at 9am)
Tuesday night: woke every 2 hours, refused to sleep past 6:30am.
Wednesday night: 5 hour stretch followed by 4 hour stretch followed by 2 hour stretch (got out of bed at 8am)

DO I SEE SOME IMPROVEMENT HERE? Let's see how tonight goes... if he keeps this up, by the time he turns 3 months old on the 9th, I really WILL have a different baby, just like everyone on the internet assured me I would.

And that means I can be a different mommy. A BETTER mommy. A HAPPY mommy.

I made pumpkin bread today... reduced the sugar and added maple syrup. Next time I will try all maple syrup. It takes some practice to figure out how much extra dry matter to add once you take out the brown sugar.
My mom is making homemade chicken soup for dinner. This combo is a winning one.

Income idea...

Softiemaker


This person takes children's drawings and turns them into stuffed animals. GENIUS and I will be stealing that idea as soon as Luca gets a little older. I love sewing but hate using a pattern...I also love coming up with creative solutions for problems and working with my hands in a 3-D format. I could have a ton of fun (I loved making the critters I made for Luca) and do it cheaply, using scraps and recycled materials... I'm getting ahead of myself. Those of you I know with kids could get some free critters so I can get some practice! As soon as I start getting sleep again, I'm breaking out the sewing machine...

Thoughts on food...

I'm an extreme purist when it comes to food. My ultimate dream is to grow and raise 100% of the food I eat. In the meantime, I try my best to eat as if I'm doing that already.

I am nowhere NEAR that right now. Taking care of a tiny baby and not sleeping has made me forget to eat most of the time, and therefore accept what anyone places in front of me the rest of the time. I'm paying for it now... I just realized that my baby is congested and rubbing his face all the time because he is allergic to dairy protein, and I need to cut it out of my diet. I had been doing that for two weeks when I accidentally ate some cheese, and then my diet went out the window. He has been crying for two days now, non-stop, WRITHING with gas pain and hardly able to breathe through his own snot (which he keeps gagging on as it drips down his throat).

Bellow are my admittedly extremist views. Do not be offended by my insanity, please.

I became a pretty serious sugar addict in high school, and I am still paying for that today with a weak immune system and a lazy pancreas. It's still easy for me to backslide into my dependance (my mom made a tray of brownies last weekend, and I must have eaten 6 brownies a day until the whole tray was gone). In my case (as in the case with many addicts), there is no such thing as moderation and I just have to go cold turkey or live with my problem forever. Most people I know are sugar addicts as well, they just don't know it because they can't admit it to themselves or they don't see why they should. I don't want Luca to end up an addict, or worse, an addict who has no idea he is addicted. Also, I learned from nannying that if you have sugar in the house (much like television) that's all the kids will ask for all the time and you will end up using it as a bargaining tool to get them to do normal things like read a book or go outside. Kids don't need sugar or TV and both are addictive (and both produce behaviors I do not want to deal with as a parent), so I'm banning both of them.

In my mind, there is no such thing as poison "in moderation". In my experience, cutting kids off from junk doesn't make them want it more, since you can't want what you've never had. Also, there is a big difference between banning something "BECAUSE I SAID SO" and banning things for positive reasons that the whole family can get behind. If you treat your kids with respect in regards to the boundaries you set for them, they're a lot more likely to respect those boundaries.

When I think about how I want to raise Luca in regards to food, these are the things that come to mind:

1) During his first two years, ONLY WHOLE FOODS (nothing that comes in a package) and mostly local foods (definitely the first foods he eats will have to be straight from the farmer's market).

2) ZERO sugar until age 4. Only occasional honey or maple syrup (not in big amounts you would put on waffles, just a teaspoon to sweeten oatmeal, for example). Baked goods can only be consumed after 4 if I make them myself at home, with said small amounts of either maple syrup or honey. Molasses is also fine.

3) ZERO fast food. ZERO. EVER. That includes most restaurant foods. Luckily we live in an area where there is plenty of high quality food to be found in restaurants!

4) ZERO caffeine, artificial ingredients, artificial colors, etc. Not even at birthday parties (I will bake him approved cupcakes and bring them with us, so he doesn't feel left out). Not even on holidays (that's right, no trick-or-treating). Traditions of our culture based around junk will be replaced with family activities involving the outdoors, charity, or great literature ("Sleepy Hollow", anyone?).

5) After he goes through puberty, he can start making some of his own food choices. But I will not allow any junk food in the house and we will not eat out as a family at regular restaurants.

AND THEN WE WILL ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

11 weeks

So many changes this week... he now laughs directly after we interact with him, rather than there being a 15 second delay. I can also lay him down on the floor or elsewhere and he will be happy for several minutes (WOOHOO). Yesterday, I was talking to him on the floor and my mom walked in the room... he turned his head to see who had come in. He had never done anything like that! It also looks like he can move his hands with slightly more intention... he has tried to rub his eyes a few times. His cradle cap is finally flaking off. Last night he slept TWO 4 hour stretches (I think?? I was too tired to pay much attention) but I don't fell well rested because he still woke me up often with his squirmy fussing (FAKE hunger signs?? grrr).

In the spirit of the fact that NO ONE sees enough breastfeeding, here is a video of Luca comfort sucking while he sleeps. Comfort sucking is different than hunger sucking... I should take a video of him hunger sucking for contrast. When they drink because they are hungry, the gulps are bigger and faster, there are no long breaks (their eyes may or may not be open), and the pauses in between sucks happen while the mouth is open (which is when they swallow). After 15-20 minutes of sucking, their brain releases a hormone (CCK) that tells them to go to sleep. This is one reason why pacifiers interfere with breastfeeding... they trick the baby's brain into thinking he's already full and it's time to go to bed. You can see from the force of his suck why it HURTS SO BAD in the beginning!

The second 30 seconds of the video is him being cute in his wool suit. I am really obsessed with wool lately. I really want to get some sheep and a spinning wheel and a loom and just become a little old lady who makes stuff.



Elimination Communication is going well... it's still only part time, but the day before yesterday I only used like 2 diapers all day long! My record is one diaper.

On a roll!

He rolled over! He was on his back and excitedly flipping his legs all over, and then he flipped them WAY over and turned himself over. WOAH! Before, he turned from his belly to his back by falling over but... this was more intentional and involved some real muscle coordination. Woohoo! (time to get that guard rail up on the bed)

Regrets

I'm kind of feeling like an idiot for giving him Colic Calm. I feel like I probably damaged his gut flora permanently, and I should have just listened when people told me to wait it out and that it was normal for him to fuss. I was just so tried, and so miserable, and he seemed so miserable... I would have bought anything marketed to help (and I did). I feel like an idiot and like I have grossly violated his exclusive breastfeeding relationship with me.

I can already think of a hundred things I will do differently with the next baby (if I survive this one). It occurred to me that if Obama isn't re-elected next year, some bozo might actually succeed in repealing Obamacare... meaning I won't be able to afford to give birth again for a long time. Did you know medicare has a cap of $1300? Does that mean all poor people have like $10,000 in debt per child??

Vaccines

He got poked on Thursday morning... he screamed pretty loud but only for about ten seconds. He got Pc and DTaP. The day after Thanksgiving he gets Hib, then Dec 13th more dtap and pc, and then on in that pattern until he is 6 months old.

He just slept a lot the day after (Fri) but he held his poop the whole time. Saturday he finally pooped, and I took him to the Ross's house for a couple hours. By 7pm he was fussing so we took him home. He then screamed for an hour, no matter what we did or offered, and fell asleep at about 9:30pm. He woke up to nurse at 12:30. He woke up to scream for another hour at 2am. I dreamed I learned I was pregnant again and then just laid on the floor screaming and crying. Then he woke up every hour until 9am, fussing but refusing to nurse more than ten seconds and rubbing his face repeatedly on the bed. Maybe the vaccines made him itchy??

I really wish they kept data on the prevalence and severity of these diseases in different groups, because I have a feeling that my breastfed and not-in-daycare baby probably doesn't need all this crap!!

In good news:




I got a long, thick woven wrap, used, from an online forum called The Baby Wearer. It's by far the most comfortable babywearing device I have tried.



He has finally cut back on the nursing. He feeds are much shorter and he hasn't fed every hour for a week now. Now if he would just sleep longer...

He has started using his little baby potty :)

I think I have decided that my favorite cloth diapering system is cotton prefolds (with thin hemp doublers at night) snappied under a wool cover. The wool shorties are extremely leakproof, breathable, and adorable (can be worn as pants or under clothes, and come as "longies" as well). The Bum Genius pocket diapers leak. The plastic covers are not as comfy for him. The all-in-ones don't wash and dry well. The g-diapers don't hardly work at all. The fitted and contour diapers just don't fit as well, causing my covers to get dirty more than is necessary.

Date Night

We took him out on a date last night... the nice thing about your husband working at a movie theater is that you can bring your baby, and if he fusses or you get tired, you can leave without feeling like you wasted your money! So we got to see about one hour of a really good movie on Mozart's family traveling around Europe.

We also had the BEST BURGER at Bull City Burger and Brewery. It was the special... it had goat cheese, some sort of potato pepper patty, local lettuce, grass fed beef, some kind of green sauce that tasted like avocado but was actually sour cream and something else... only $10 for a grass fed patty with the works, not bad! Their fries are really amazing too... crispy and so flavorful. They have an option for fries fried in duck fat!

Downtown Durham is really becoming a lovely place.

9.5 weeks... fuss fuss fuss

He just pooped for the 5th or 6th time today.... and he took a 5 hour nap and woke up in a GREAT mood. I think his digestive tract is finally maturing a little bit.

Tuesday was HELL though. He had his regular checkup that morning, which was kind of lucky because he had just caught my cold so we didn't have to worry about whether or not to take him in to get him checked out. Since we were both sick, neither of us had gotten any sleep and he just screamed through the whole appointment (and we were late so we missed our appointment and had to wait over an hour). We came home and Ash watched the baby (thank god he didn't have anywhere to go that day) and I just slept and slept. I woke up feeling much better but... it was such a miserable experience. Last night he also stayed awake crying for several hours. It really saddens me to say things like "I AM NEVER HAVING ANOTHER BABY", but it really did get to that point several times this week.

Of course, a good day like today makes you forget all about it.

I have found other moms online who also have very fussy babies... it helps to hear from them that it won't last forever (in fact most of them said by 12-14 weeks they were fine). One person had triplets and TWO of them were colicky. So there's some perspective for ya.

8.5 weeks

Yesterday we took him to the bank and grocery store... AND HE DID NOT SCREAM ONCE. And for the past 3 days in a row he has slept in his swing for 10-15 minutes. He will also let me sit in a chair while he is in the sling (are the days of pacing ending??). Lights at the end of the tunnel? Everyone says it gets better starting a 3 months (12 weeks)... so I'm in the home stretch. He will be 14 weeks when we take him to Charleston, so I hope he's a happy baby by then.

I woke up with a cold this morning. Boy, I bet it will be fun trying to heal from a cold while NOT SLEEPING!

I took some pics of Luca's favorite things to look at, turned them black and white, and blurred them. I give you...
The World as Luca Sees It:









I don't know what it is about the Dock Street poster above his changing table (last picture), but anytime he is laying there and looks up at it, he gets SO excited! He smiles and talks to it and kicks his legs with delight.

His Grandma Sharon is visiting this week (Ash's mom).

Videos, 7.5 weeks!

Catching a pee AND a poo in the sink! Well, almost in the sink.



Babbling in the onesie Danielle made for him!

Rough day with a good ending.

Today he cried inconsolably... all day. It was hell to watch and so exhausting... I needed to sleep so bad and he just couldn't sleep because of his belly ache. Today was finally that day I was in denial would ever come... the day you just lay in bed and cry because it's all you have left in you to do. He did stop crying to stare at me crying, though. I wasn't too scared about my breakdown (I'm very carefully watching for signs of PPD in myself), because the whole time I was just staring into his eyes and thinking about how much I love him. There seems to be a trend of moms saying that a lack of bonding goes along with PPD?

Ash bought some colic calm... it is BLACK AS NIGHT because it has a bunch of vegetable charcoal in it, and everything it touches looks like I dropped some coals from the fireplace on it. I was really not wanting to resort to giving him anything, but I finally tried this and it instantly made him calm enough to sleep. I just gave him half doses 3 times today, and each time it calmed him enough to take a small nap. Not a cure, but certainly a help.

I'm sending Ash out to get some coleif tomorrow as well, which is lactase. I'm lactose intolerant so I'm suspicious he is having a hard time with all of the foremilk that I have (as a result of my oversupply).

I'm also going dairy/wheat/egg free this week, because I kept a food diary last week and those are the foods that I eat every day.

I looked up "colic" online and it is known to peak between 6-8 weeks... and he is 7 weeks. So I guess that's why it got so bad today... makes me feel better to know it's normal for it to get worse before it gets better.

Our friends Greg and Danielle came over and baby Leo too, of course.... and they brought SHEPARD'S PIE!!! I ate soooo much of it. I was starving, I barely ate all day because I was trying to comfort Luca. By this time, Luca had tired himself out so he just slept in my arms while I got to have some nice conversation (excited about seriously planning to build our "house"...).

"Waaa waaaa waaa...."

He weighed in at 11 lbs 4 oz at his final 6 week checkup with the midwives.

I guess the plus side to having a baby that screams when he isn't wrapped is that I get plenty of exercise. Pace pace pace pace... he seems to really like Wu-Tang Clan. I think it's the bass? We always play the album that someone spliced with the Beatles. I think it is one of my favorite albums ever made.

But really.. I'm ready for him to grow out of the crying thing! It's supposed to get better after the fourth trimester, when they don't require to be physically a part of you 24/7. At least we get smiles in exchange for crying sometimes.

He got a little rash on his butt that is just right around his poop place, which suggests a food sensitivity. Oh joy! Elimination diets are ANNOYING. I still think it may have been all those muscadines I was eating. This is day 5 of block nursing to try and get my supply down... his poop looks better and is a few times per day now! But he still passes LARGE amounts of gas and cries all day while scrunching his tummy. Apparently this is normal newborn behavior, because the ped/midwives aren't worried.

Found a great etsy shop with Montessori stuff!

Edit: Two cute things in the last 12 hours he has never done before.. he smiled and cooed in his sleep (he has only ever winced and cried), and just now he stopped nursing, looked at me and smiled!

Luca smiling (video)

(I say "See? It was worth it." because Ash was getting on me about filming him for so long :)

I love bedsharing

I love bedsharing... 24 hours of precious moments every day! Last night he slept two stretches of 3 hours in a row (with a little break to breast feed in the middle)... so I kind of got 6 hours of sleep? Kind of?

Some things about bed sharing I have learned:
1) I think the fact that I never sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time keeps me aware of my surroundings as I sleep (including him). It seems like an impossibility that I would roll over on him or something stupid. I often wake up a few seconds before he wakes up, due to how heightened my mommy senses have become.
2) I DO NOT MOVE at all anymore when I sleep. However I fall asleep, that's exactly how I wake up a few hours later. I always sleep facing him and he always sleeps facing me.
3) Nighttime is easy when your baby is right next to you. It doesn't feel too much like I am doing "work", and it's kind of fun to feel your day extend into your night and to watch the sun rise in hourly increments...(I feel like I have missed a whole lot of beautiful, peaceful darkness all these years by sleeping a bunch of straight hours!). Luca stays pretty chill all night because he knows exactly where we are.
4) There is more mommy/daddy time when you bedshare. Several nights a week we will both wake up at 2am or 4am, and have a conversation while I breast feed him, or share our dreams we were just having, or cuddle, etc.








He grew out of the xs, newborn sized diapers last week:


And today... he COOED!!! Little tiny baby talk. REAL baby talk. And I think his smiles are real now. I just couldn't admit it for so long because his smile is so... GOOFY! It looks like a parody of a smile in an old fashioned cartoon. I have yet to capture that exact smile on camera, but it will be here when I do...

I tasted my breast milk today and it was TERRIBLE. It usually tastes like vanilla ice cream, so I think it has something to do with the fact that my diet has been 50% muscadine grapes. It turned his poop orange. I have got to start meal planning or something. I eat the same thing every day and my old hatred of food has come back to haunt me.

Last night we went to visit our friends Greg and Danielle and their lovely new baby Leo. I give you the first pictures of Leo and Luca... BABY FRIENDS!! Leo is so chill compared to Luca, I think their personalities will compliment each other well. Luca started a BIG fuss right before we left, but miraculously he stopped crying the second I put him in the car seat... he just looked out the window the whole ride home (it was his first night time drive, I think he liked all the lights).





We have yet to get a good picture of the four of us...


Thanks to Amanda Mae for making such a cut hat!! It came in handy today, it was cold!!

Some observations on breast feeding...

One thing that is funny about breast feeding.... it's so different for every woman. I lost 10 lbs from the birth and another 10 lbs the week after. But then I haven't lost any since then... so I guess I just had tons of water weight to loose that second week? I sure peed a lot. Because if that weight loss the second week was due to breastfeeding, it would have continued, I think.

I know that I supposedly need MORE calories now than while pregnant, but I certainly don't feel more hunger, and I'm back to eating barely anything like I was before getting pregnant... so I should be loosing weight, but I'm not. I've always preferred being slightly hungry-ish by eating tiny amounts all day, and one thing I hated about being pregnant was all the eating I had to do to not pass out! But it's pretty funny how different breast feeding is for every woman, because I know some women gained weight while breastfeeding because their hunger was asking BEYOND what they needed, and some women were back to pre-pregnancy weight in no time because the weight just fell off. Looks like I'm somewhere in the middle... until he gets older and needs more calories and my milk gets richer? Maybe?

One thing that has increased is THIRST! I think I'm still drinking that massive amount of water that I was while pregnant.... like over 64 ounces a day. But there is no increase in pee, which is so weird!! (Yes I know, it is being made into milk instead!)

I have to say, I cannot say that breast feeding is "enjoyable" just yet. Mostly it hurts and keeps me sitting on my ass for hours. And with the D-MER, it makes me feel bad quite often. I know it will all be worth it though. I feel so sorry for him because he cries in his sleep so often, because his tummy hurts. It's because of how much milk I make. He is getting a larger amount of foremilk (his poop is watery and green sometimes, though not all the time, thankfully) which I just learned is higher in lactose which is why it makes him gassy and upset. So now I'm feeding on each breast for 2-3 hours, to help reduce my supply a bit and help him reach the fattier milk. It certainly works, my breasts feel smaller and softer. Now I just have to wait and see if his tummy is less upset for the next couple of days.

One thing I love is how little you have to worry... things have a way of always working themselves out, with breast feeding. The solution to every problem with mom or baby seems to be "more and frequent breast feeding"! Plugged duct? Breast feed. Baby needs soothing? Breast feed. Baby is sick? Breast feed. Baby has pink eye/ear infection/a scrape/a rash? Put breast milk on it. Need more sleep? Breast feed (while laying down!). Want the baby to calm down and probably fall asleep? Breast feed. Want to avoid 90% of the health problems in the first world? Breast feed. Baby poop is always changing in quantity/consistency? Just keep breast feeding. Baby spits up a lot? Just keep breast feeding.

It seems to be the only thing in the world where the best advice is always "do nothing". It really is a perfect system.

I'm suspicious that one reason so many women have trouble breastfeeding here/today is not only the total lack of community in general, but the fact that a huge chunk of these women grew up on formula themselves. If formula use can raise risks for SIDS, cancer, obesity, heart disease, ADHD, asthma, allergies, exposure to heavy metals... surely they should be looking at a correlation between moms who struggle with supply, for example, and whether or not they were formula fed themselves? It only makes sense that it would affect all areas of development. Not to the extent that it could be responsible for ALL BFing troubles, of course (it takes more than one or two generations of less-than-adequate nutrition to reverse 5 billion years of evolution... or to destroy God's design, whatever, same concept). It's estimated that only 2-5% (but certainly no more than 10%) of women physically can't breastfeed. But about 80% don't (and most of the rest supplement). Those are terrible numbers.... if it truly is all social reasons, that really speaks to the power and influence of culture in what it means to be human (and that is something I believe, as an Anthropology student!). I'm just saying, I wouldn't rule it out as a possible factor.

5 weeks old

There was nothing in the world more stressful than sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday, getting a filling, and wondering if my baby was ok. Daddy is awesome but he ain't got the milk!! I'm glad I haven't tried to use my hour-long massage gift certificate yet, I would just waste the whole massage with my separation anxiety!

(And for those of you wondering, I'd rather not pump and bottle feed him just yet, he has enough of a gassy tummy without bottle feeding on top of it all! Plus he's still too young, he could get nipple confusion.)



I feel like he is hitting some developmental milestones today... a couple times when a new person walked in the room and started talking... he turned his head! And he also looks at your face a lot longer when you're talking to him. He was also awake and happy for almost an hour this afternoon. I have never seen him awake that long when he wasn't nursing. He just EMPTIED both of my breasts just now, which is incredible considering how much milk I have. I can see him growing... I think he gets growing pains, because every couple of days he starts crying for no reason and won't stop until I put him in a babywearing device. I think the position of being upright with his knees up feels good. When he wakes up, he fusses until i put him on the bed and he can stretch out... and I swear you can see his limbs getting longer as he stretches.

I'm wearing him right now in my new cotton gauze wrap…. it's a Wrapsody Bali Breeze. I like it a lot, the batiking is gorgeous (I thought it would be ugly, it doesn't photograph well online). It's much more breathable than the Moby, and since it's not stretchy, it feels a lot more secure. It's amazing how tight you are supposed to wear them…really, the tighter the better. I thought I had it on pretty tight right now, but I just looked in the mirror and he has shifted sideways a bit.



That's his "take me out and feed me please" face.

He is five weeks old today. Feels like he was born yesterday. I keep remembering emails I have to return, from people who want to come visit him, and I think "Oh I have time…. oh wait they've been waiting for a reply for over a month!!"



I remember thinking the sound of a baby crying was really abrasive and annoying... but it's different when it's your own kid. It just breaks my heart, all I want to do is figure out how to fix whatever is hurting him. I'm not saying I don't get annoyed but... it's more of a feeling of impatience with myself, like "why can't you figure this out faster??"

Ash is working on a job site with Bountiful Backyards today. Apparently, there is an intentional community in Rougemont! Who knew? My mom took Quinten out to his homeschooling classes, so it's just me and the baby at home. I wrapped him up on me and went downstairs to do some laundry… why do they make dryers so low to the ground? So old people and people holding babies can't do laundry without getting on all fours?? It took like half an hour to transfer the loads over and start a new load, since I couldn't bend over. That's why I can't wait to learn back carries… I never realized how many things I do that require bending over!

I also spilt an ENTIRE water bottle all over myself and my bed while nursing this morning… and last night as well. Is there a stainless steel water bottle in the world that doesn't leak and/or pop open at inopportune moments?? I have a feeling all of ours have had their lids mixed and matched, which is why none of them seem to stay on properly. Because it's not like they are Wal Mart pieces of junk or something.

1 month

Luca was one month old yesterday! He grows a little every time he naps, it's so weird. I didn't think I could literally WATCH him grow but... I can. I can't wait for him to be a "real baby", as my sister put it! He's one third of the way through the 4th trimester and then the more fun stuff happens!

He has had at least 2 or 3 nights where he has slept 5 hours in a row... and then one night a couple nights ago where he just cried for like 3 hours straight. I got him to stop crying once with the magic baby hold, and then I got him to finally fall asleep by rocking him while he was in the ring sling. I think being worn makes him feel like he is swaddled, because he loves it and it instantly calms him. But I never hold him in cradle hold in the ring sling... it creeps me out. It seems like his chin is right against his chest just like in the stupid car seat. Did I mention I HATE CAR SEATS? They need to design an in-arms car seat so I can nurse him without pulling over.

I'm going to a baby wearing thing tomorrow... I'm hoping to try out different kinds of wraps. I just went ahead and bought a cotton gauze wrap, because the Moby was SO HOT and the stretch was a bit unhelpful (and you can't do back carries with a stretch wrap, and I need back carries for when we start building our house next year). The wrap was on sale and I can return it if I want, but hopefully I will like it enough to keep it...because it was on sale for $45 and most non-stretchy wraps are over $100.

I have been peeing Luca in fun places... the bathroom sink, a parking lot, a mason jar I grab just in time from the nightstand... I wish I had the guts to go totally diaper free, but he just start pooping every day and I'm always really surprised when he goes in the diaper (he grunts, pushes, and farts all day long so none of those signs are reliable... and about 1 out of every 3 times he stares off into space he poops). The dryer is still broken but luckily there was some nice sun yesterday so I got some laundry done. I have to use 4 disposable diapers and NOTHING will ever get rid of the guilt form that!! Which is stupid, because every night when I'm nursing I eat 2 Lara bars and those have disposable wrappers... I just felt like I should have folded up my T-shirts before I started using disposables.

There are a bajillion perverts all up in my flickr ever since I posted some photos of me breastfeeding. Sometimes I forget exactly how public flickr is... so I'm changing those photos to "only friends and family". Someone requested I add some photos to a pool that was full of photos of moms breastfeeding.... and I think that's where the perverts are finding me. GO AWAY ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I stinks to feel violated while doing something as sweet and innocent as feeding my baby.

So...tired....

GAR. Baby is sound asleep on my chest, now that I am WIDE AWAKE. He was up all night fussing.

He is four weeks old tomorrow!! I heard it all gets easier after 6 weeks. HERE'S HOPING. Breast feeding should get a lot less time consuming as well. I have got to figure out nursing in the sling, it will make me a lot less tied to my butt during this frequent-nursing era. Good thing he is so cute. The weather is so perfect right now, I hate that I am missing so many nice days outside. It's just too much of a pain in the butt to carry around all the diapers and blankets and pillows I need right now... the second I get outside, he is asleep and I'm wishing I was in bed so I could just go to sleep as well. Moments outside are rare and greatly appreciated. He LOVES being outside though, and he loves being worn in both the ring sling and the moby.







My nipples are killing me. OY. OUCH OUCH.

Being pregnant for so long and now nursing a newborn makes me antsy... so much time sitting down!! I really want to go outside and RUN AS FAST AS I CAN. I feel physically normal, but I know my post partum healing isn't technically done. I still have a few weeks left where if I push myself too hard, I could hurt my poor uterus which is working so hard to heal itself (even if I can't feel it happening). If there is one thing I have learned about myself during this whole journey... I need to prioritize taking very good care of my body. I have never appreciated being able to MOVE so much, until now. And one of the things I said to Ash after giving birth was "I'm never going to waste another day in my life". The experience of doing something so amazing made me realize my true potential in life... and it made me sick to think of all the days I spent lying around watching TV, or surfing the internet, or wallowing in my own self pity. Even with the baby to take care of, I still find moments to do research on our cob house (which we want to start building early next year). I feel very motivated to actually get stuff done... for myself and also for my son.

First well baby checkup

I went to the free health clinic in downtown Durham yesterday for Luca's checkup. We don't have any information in the mail yet about our application for Medicaid, so I decided to stop calling pediatricians in the area (who just kept telling me they weren't taking anymore Medicaid patients), and take him to the clinic. I guess it's because it's run by Duke, but it is a very nice clinic... with a VERY nice pediatrician! I was surprised. Not only did she have a basic knowledge of breast feeding (you wouldn't believe what pediatricians will say sometimes on that subject... they need way more training in that area!) but she did not have a problem with me wanting to do an alternative vaccine schedule for him. She even said the Heb A/B and Rotavirus vaccines were not necessary for him (gasp!). He weighed 8 lbs 13 ounces... which means he gained 7 ounces in 5 days. Holy cow! What a porker.

I think he eats so much because he loves to suck for comfort. I'm glad you can't overfeed a breastfed baby. I just feed him whenever he starts putting his hands in his mouth and let nature take it from there! Breastfeeding isn't easy but it sure is low maintenance. Well, I hear it gets easy... you just have to get past this crazy newborn stage.

It's funny how he is settling into a little routine already. He always nurses for about half an hour (actively for 10 minutes and then comfort sucking). He is fussy and gassy all afternoon and evening, eating every 2-3 hours or so. Then at about midnight he sleeps for 4-5 hours (I think this is a plus to having oversupply... a full tummy) and then wakes up to be fed every 1.5 hours for the rest of the morning and is slightly less fussy. So I sleep during his long sleep at night and during his longer stretch in the afternoon, and go out and do stuff in the mornings. Yesterday I didn't get my nap and it was HELL.

Anxiety... explained!

So I was feeling seemingly random anxious moments throughout the day... but it turns out it happens before every time I have a let down! So I googled it, and sure enough, it's a THING! D-MER. My oxytocin goes up to bring on the milk release, and my dopamine goes down. CRASH. Instant bad feelings. And considering I have an overactive letdown... that's a lot of bad feelings every day! It's not so bad if I'm out of the house or interacting with people because I don't notice it as much... but I spend most of my time at home not doing anything. So I've emailed my herbalist friend Nick Fox and my homeopathic doctor to find some solutions. But I will probably have to just suck it up and deal. It's terrible though, I'm always scared someone is going to ask me a question right before a let down and I'm going to snap at them.

Luca's trip out of the house went well. He loved hanging out at Weaver St. Everywhere we go, people always remark about how alert, calm, and observant he is when he's awake. He weighed 8lbs 6 oz, which means he gained a whole pound in one week. So I guess I have nothing to worry about just because he only poops once every 36 hours...




He usually sleeps with his forehead directly against my chest, or on his own folded arms, or with his arms covering his eyes, or some other adorable arrangement. Last night the three of us fell asleep watching a documentary, and he woke me up FOUR HOURS LATER to nurse! I got four whole hours of sleep in a row!! The rest of the night he woke me up his normal every 2 hours, so I probably got 6-7 hours total. WOW. I feel amazing this morning, as opposed to yesterday when I kept randomly crying like a toddler who skipped their nap (and you ask them if they are tired and they say "NO!" and cry harder).







My grandma and Uncle came to visit... we got our four generations picture!! My grandma is so generous. I came downstairs every day to find the dishes washed and the laundry done.