Sigh.

Bad feelings have been back for about a week now. I had to fight off a panic attack Saturday night. My blood work came back from the doctor, and my vitamin D levels are very low. Well, it's winter, no surprise there. But now I'm going to have to spend more money on a supplement.

I don't know what to do about Luca. At least half of the time, he wakes every two hours and then every hour all night long. He only wakes once or twice because he wants to nurse (which is normal for a baby his age)... the other 3-5 times are because he either has to pee or he has to poop (but he screams when I offer the potty). I tried just letting him go in his diaper, but he does the old thing again, where he squirms and cries in his sleep and keeps me and himself awake, because he doesn't want to go in the diaper. I'd rather wake up 3-5 times per night than stay awake for hours on end.

I have witnessed it HUNDREDS of times with other babies- sometimes it really is ok to let them cry for a minute, because they really can learn to self-soothe on their own that way. But every time I have tried, it has been a traumatizing experience (his crying escalates until he is gagging and has trouble breathing). I still can't drive anywhere because if he cries, I have a panic attack because I can't see him and tell why he is crying (sometimes his stomach hurts and he needs to get out RIGHT NOW or else he is in a lot of pain while stuck in the sitting position, sometimes he just cries himself to sleep, and sometimes he needs to nurse).

It's driving me crazy. I really, really, really need to get some sleep. I really, really need to be able to drive places. I'd also like to chew my food, and meditate, and get a part time job. That last one is the most important. We spent $500 on food this month. He's allergic to all the affordable foods.