Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Major updates!

My last post, in January, was a bit negative.

But can you blame me? No. Not if you are reading this and you are a parent.

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But boy, things have improved! In April, Luca went to stay with his grandparents for almost a full week. ALL BY HIMSELF! Ash and I had a much-needed break, and Luca had the time of his life in the infinite-play-land that is my parent's house. When he came back, he didn't have time to ask to nurse before he fell asleep. The next day he nursed for the last time.

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(Playing at Mamaw and Papaw's! By the way, I blurred the photo because he has started expressing an unwillingness to change his clothes and diaper around others. I consider that a sign of needing some privacy.)

Shortly thereafter, he decided to start sleeping through the night; and in his own bed too! I am experiencing a deep brain cleansing from finally getting the sleep I need. Combine that with monthly trips back to Mamaw and Papaw's house (which allow me to NAP), and my mood is just all-around better. He still wakes occasionally, like if he's not feeling well or if he is having a growth spurt. But hey, that's life.

I also just started a job. A new job. A REAL job. The kind with sane hours and fair expectations. The kind with living-wage hourly compensation and health benefits. The kind where you finally get off of government benefits and stop crying about money all the time. We're not rolling in it (heck, I don't even think we're "middle class" just yet) but boy did it take some weight off of my shoulders.

What's the big deal about having an average desk job, anyways? Can it really be that different from those low-wage jobs that make up the majority of the economy, like in sales and food service?


1. I don't have to fill out government forms every 3 months anymore. Don't even get me started on the phone calls with social services. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for these social safety nets. But, they don't make it easy to obtain, keep, or keep track of. The amount of our food money was always changing, and it never covered more than half of our food at the maximum level. But, we definitely couldn't have got by without it; even with both of us working.

2. I get to CHOOSE where Luca goes to the doctor, instead of frantically calling places and begging to get him on their Medicaid wait list. And my husband will have health insurance for the first time in ten years. 10 YEARS! No more LONG ASS WAITS at the community clinics!

3. I can do things like buy a waffle at a restaurant, or get a haircut, or buy myself a book and not feel EXTREMELY guilty and like I'm risking my entire livelihood. I get to go to the movies more than once per year.

4. I can do things like make a dentist appointment, because I know what hours I will be working ahead of time. And I can even skip work sometimes to go do stuff I need to do, like go to the dentist or take care of my sick kid, or whatever.

5. I can go on vacation.

6. I can have more than 1 or 2 days off per month. Actually, I get two whole days off EVERY WEEK! And then I get PAID TIME OFF!! Who knew that existed??

7. I can stay home from work if I am sick.

8. I can ask for things that I need. I can even eat whenever I want to. Today I got up and made myself a cup of tea, and I didn't have to ask permission. If my back hurts, I can lay down on my desk for a minute or go for a walk. People care if I am in physical pain. My body is not at risk for serious injury at this job.

9. I am treated like an adult in general, and it is assumed that I know what I'm doing and I can handle things without messing it up. My opinion is heard, and valued. I am given everything I need to do my job; I didn't have to pay for my own uniform (nor am I being forced to wear one), nor any of my own office equipment.

10. People have finally stopped asking me if I'm still in school, or if my position is just an internship. Ya know, some people wait tables because THIS IS NOT 1995 (or 1950 or whatever they remember as being a normal job market). 40% of people with bachelor's degrees today are working jobs that do not require education (sales and food service).

EDIT: 11. All the anger, resentment, and jealousy I felt has vanished. When you see everyone around you (living in houses that don't leak when it rains and aren't infested with cockroaches, driving cars that rarely break down, saving money for retirement) doing so much better than you are, it really gets to you and makes you think horrible negative things... not just about strangers, but about people you love, too. I am not trying to shirk responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. I was working very hard on improving this all the time, with little progress. But these feelings have surprisingly vanished with the lifting of the financial pressure cooker.

EDIT: 12. I have felt another major shift, socially. No longer am I a problem to be solved. I now have the capacity to be a solution. Money is definitely power. And without power, you lack the ability to execute any dreams or visions for a better world. You can't even donate $5 to freaking NPR. Now that I have days off, I can volunteer. Now that I have basic needs covered, I can contribute to others' projects and my own projects. Feeling paralyzed in a world that desperately needs more Soldiers of Good is a desperately low feeling.

Now, imagine how hard all that stuff in the past would have been WITHOUT all my privileges! Without my safety net of my supportive family, assuring I would never be hungry or homeless. Without my whiteness, my education, my able body.

Basically, I am more comfortable, healthy, and happy than I have ever been. My job is the "easiest" I've ever had, and it pays BY FAR the best. So count your freaking blessings (and dollars) if you have one of these precious jewels of a job.

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Anyways. Back to cute little boys.

Next month, Luca goes to SCHOOL!! This fall Ash is starting Massage School and Luca will need childcare 3 days per week (oh yeah, that's another far-off dream I can now afford). He will be going to a wonderful Montessori school run by some ladies we have gotten to know very well this past year. Ash's mom is generously helping with tuition (Like I said, we ain't even middle class yet. Working on it!).

Ash and Luca have been spending a lot of time together. They are best buddies. Ash is an excellent father; there is truly nothing I would alter about the way he handles Luca's ups and downs. I mean, that's one of the big reasons I had a kid so stupidly young. I knew I could do it with Ash by my side. Ash has really taken charge with the parenting thing. It used to be me that did all the research etc about parenting, and now he has completely taken it over... going to workshops, giving people advice on Reddit, checking out books from the library... he IS super dad. And we are becoming better and better "Gentle Parents" all the time thanks to his leadership. We are getting good at only setting limits that are necessary, and not setting them based on our own fears or limitations. We are getting good at seeing the world from his eyes, and understanding his feelings regarding seemingly everyday things that prompt big reactions. Compassion is a crop you must tend to dutifully... but the rewards are many.

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For example... choosing your battles. Luca was a terrible sleeper, and after a while of trying everything found in every book, we finally gave up and just let him do whatever, while still modeling good sleep habits ourself (we went to bed whenever we were tired, with or without him). He did weird stuff. He asked to go to the park at 7:30pm and we said yes. He fell asleep for naps at 4:00 and slept until 8pm, and we never woke him up to prevent that. He stayed up until 9 every night and woke up at the crack of dawn. And we just watched him sleep whenever he wanted to, scratching our heads. And then... magic. He starting asking to go to bed whenever he was sleepy. He started crawling into bed whenever he needed to throughout the day, and either just resting or even falling asleep by himself. He started sleeping through the night, in his own bed, with no hassles. He started crying less at bedtime and being happy when he woke up.

I know for some kids, that would absolutely not work. But I'm glad we just took the path of least resistance and let things take their course with him... because it looked like, in the end, all he needed was a little less energy around bedtime and a little more autonomy. Once all the negative associations with enforced sleep times went away, he starting treating sleepiness how we WANT him to: as his body's way to tell him something important... something he should honor.

This is how we have always handled food. He eats whatever he wants, whenever he wants, just like we do. Our job is to provide an environment of healthy choices that makes it safe for him to have that freedom. "Freedom within Reasonable Limits" has become our motto.

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This week, we even felt brave enough to push the family bed APART for the first time!

We will be moving to Asheville this fall, if we can find an affordable place. It just makes sense, with me working there and Ash going to school there. So, basically all our dreams are coming true!

(Except for when we went on vacation and I ended up in the emergency room with severe dehydration... seriously, it happened RIGHT before losing my health insurance when I turned 26. It was SO LUCKY! But now we can afford to fix the AC in the car, so that won't happen again!)

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Still not sleeping. Seriously.

My child is intense.

That feels like an understatement. Or an overstatement. I'm not sure which, because I'm so tired.

My child is... exhausting.

He cries a lot. He cries when we change his diaper. He cries when we brush his teeth. He cries when I leave for work, and when I come home. He cries before bed, he cries first thing when he wakes up, and he even wakes up in the middle of the night to cry some more. He cries before nap. He cries during his nap. He cries after his nap. And he cries for normal things too, like when we run out of pretzels, or when the paint is purple instead of pink, or when we can't make it start snowing, or when we can't go to the library because it's President's Day.

We have tried everything (legal) to get this child to sleep or at least calm down. Curtains. Leaving the lights on. White noise. Human noise. Homeopathic remedies. Ibuprofen. Valerian. Lemon balm. Kava kava. Catnip. Bedsharing. Not bedsharing. Babywearing. Acupressure. Essential oils. Doing more. Doing less.

I'm running out of ideas.

If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Technology: blessing or curse?

I observed two things in this video: the obvious message, of smart phones preventing humans from enjoying what is going on around them, and the second less intentional message. The further we get from ourselves and our loved ones, the more we feel a great urge to reconstruct what we have lost through media. For example, taking selfies constantly ("look at me I have friends, this photo proves it", "look at me enjoying parenthood, this smile proves it"). We are fighting to build a sense of identity and fulfillment, but are in fact fighting fire with fire. Pretty soon, you have a chicken-or-the-egg thing going on.... because people don't realize why they are unhappy. "Look at all the awesome shit that happened to me this year, on my facebook timeline!" Too bad you weren't there to enjoy any of it.

And then there's the physical reality of it to consider, too. More stimulation = needing more stimulation... that's a scientific fact. We browse our phones because... we browse our phones. Real life doesn't happen fast enough to keep us engaged anymore. This is why we pick them up even when we don't need information from them. But this can be easily solved by simply putting it down. A moment of self-control can bring several moments of calm and connection, later. If the habit can be made, it can be unmade. But doing must be replaced by non-doing.

Ash and I struggled a lot with this last year. I get annoyed when he is on his iPhone, he gets annoyed when I am on my laptop. What we are really asking is for our unmet needs to be met: we need connection and consideration from others. Through communication, we have worked out how to gently give each other signals when we feel lonely or irritated as as result of this habitual behavior. We are also working on how to allow each other the time to do important work that needs to be done in the cyber world (that could be called "adjusting expectations"). As long as we are using technology to enrich our lives and not to satisfy our urges, we can use it in a healthy way. As long as we frequently check in with each other and ourselves about what our needs are, we can be sure of what stage we are in (enrichment or itch-scratching).

For those of you who have not begun these discussions in your relationships, I give you these words of encouragement: it DOES get better!

PARENTING with technology:

 I watched a TED talk on the research on the topic, which I highly recommend... to summarize, for every 3 hours of screen time, you need at least one hour of highly engaging real world time to make up for it. Roughly. This is based off of the correlation between screen time and ADD, which I think is a great indicator of how much is too much. For every 1 hr of screen time, the risk of ADD goes up 10%. And for every hour of visiting a museum, playing outside, doing puzzles with daddy... the risk goes down 30%. Obviously it's seriously oversimplifying the situation to think like this... but it's all I have at the moment to go by!

Every parent knows screens are a GOD SEND for when you need to get stuff done. Just keep this nifty little ratio, 1:3, in mind as a guide for when enough is enough, and when more is more.

If you are unhappy with the current amount of screen time your family uses, here are some ideas to try that worked for our family:

1) Model the behavior you wish to see in your child. Use technology during designated hours only, to enrich your life, and not compulsively or in social situations (including family social situations). Enrichment can take the form of work, play, learning, or communicating with others (yes, this includes Facebook!). Model appropriate responses to violating these rules (don't beat yourself up, just check in with yourself and express gratitude to yourself for doing so).

Sometimes this means only using technology after dinner or before dinner. Sometimes it's a screen-free day once per week, or once per month. Or it could be never using a device for more than 2 hours in a row. But it's important to have a clear understanding of when it is hurtful to others to be on your Gameboy (at the dinner table, in the grocery store, etc) and when it is beneficial (when you're in the waiting room at the dentist, on a long car ride, etc). There's a time and a place for everything, and a whole new set of etiquette to figure out.

2) Don't use it as a reward, or withhold it as a punishment. I'm not a fan of this parenting strategy for anything, but that's another topic. THE INTERNET IS NOT A COOKIE!! It is an amazing tool for self-betterment. It is, in my opinion, a human right to access information for free at any time they wish. I am also a firm believer that, given the choice, a healthy child/person will not choose to stare at a screen for hours every day. An hour to two, sure, don't you?

If a child turns to TV or video games for several hours a day, chances are their real life is lacking something that they need. This may be because everyone else is staring at a screen and they aren't connecting with others. Or it may be because school is stressing them out and they crave that dopamine spike that comes from the instant gratification of the virtual world. Or it may be because they lack awareness of how their actions affect others. Do some exploring.

3) I have seen the same results from the technique I use with junk food, with screen time. Keep in mind, my kid is only 2... but I used to use these ideas with older kids I babysat, too.

(Edit: My food strategy is: I don't keep stuff at the house that I don't want him to eat. I allow him to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I cook meals and if he doesn't eat them, whatever. No battles! And with no bad choices around, his diet is perfectly balanced, long term.)

First step is, if you don't want them to be on screens all the time, DON'T HAVE A BUNCH OF SCREENS IN THE HOUSE. In other words... if there is too much screen time going on, there may be too many screens in the first place. Figure out a good number of screens that works for your family to fulfill everyone's needs. This will require you to retire some of your old justifications for why you had them in the first place. Which is hard to do.

I'm all for kids having cells phones for emergencies, to take pictures with their friends, to communicate with them, whatever. But just pick the cheapest piece of crap they have in the place. They will get over the social embarrassment by having superior people skills.

One laptop per family is convenient. Two laptops per family is a luxury. One tablet, smartphone and computer for each person is completely overkill. There is no way you could justify "needing" that many devices. The right number of devices varies by family... but again, if you are feeling like there is too much screen time, then you should probably seriously reconsider the number you have now.

Video games are tons of fun, but are still material luxuries and should be treated as such. Consoles should be kept in a communal, family place and not in children's bedrooms. They should be a bonding experience, not an isolating one. If you buy an Xbox, sell your PlayStation. SIMPLIFY!

If you need further motivation to stop buying so many electronics, then so some Google searches on all the shit going down in Africa. Half of those conflicts are caused by fighting for control over the mining industry, which provides the metals used to make our luxury products. It's blood diamonds all over again.There are also websites which can tell you which electronics companies are actually making an effort to solve this problem.

4) When talking about this subject, be delicate. We're discussing real human needs and feelings... this is not the time for an "I'm the parent and I said so" power game. Be vulnerable and honest about your feelings, and you are more likely to get your needs met... while learning about the needs of your child as well.

"When you rush upstairs to play video games after school, it makes me feel lonely, and distant from you. I really love spending time with you and hearing about your day, because you are my child and I love you. I was wondering if you would mind spending 30 minutes each day after school with me, just relaxing and chatting. Then you can do whatever you need or want to do afterward. How do you feel about what I just said?"

For clarity on how to do this, I highly recommend the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenburg. He also has a lot of YouTube videos, for you screen junkies!

Monday, August 5, 2013

Be who you are: a great person.

You are the sun, not the clouds.

 Every time I hear about a person that I think can't POSSIBLY have any good left anywhere inside them (you all know what I'm talking about.. the horror stories, the unthinkable, the things that keep you up at night)... I picture them as a small child. So small that sometimes they are babies. How can you be angry at a baby? My self-righteousness melts. We demonize these people not only because of what they do, but because we are afraid and don't understand- how did they get that way? They must not be human like us, right?

 Well, they got that way the same way you and I became the way we are. Some things we could help and some things we had no control over. And that scares us. It scares us to admit that this terrible person is as human as we are. So we shut them out, away from our compassion, because they don't deserve it; they aren't human like us. But in doing so we also shut down our own love for ourselves, the compassion for our own mistakes that we make every day. We can't love those parts of us- can we? If we do that, we might become like those monsters! Or is the opposite true? If we shut down compassion for anyone or anything, how can we be a good person? We try to justify having some walls up- after all, they don't DESERVE love! But soon we see the truth- that even the tiniest of obstructions to the natural flow of love affects how we feel.

 I try to let go of hate because it feels good to me. It feels right and genuine to feel love; it feels like very hard work to feel hate. Look! I am clenching my fists and panting and pacing. How much work it is!! I choose to give this person love even though they don't deserve it. Why? Not for them at first, but for me. Because if my heart is full of hate for what they have done... then I have let their suffering extend to me. The only resilience against hate is love. You cannot fight the hate in the world by filling it with more hate. You will exhaust yourself! But love is never ending- just ask a mother or a father. Love is easy. Hate is hard.

 When I picture the object of my anger as a small child, I am reminded that we all start out equally beautiful and innocent and good. And I am reminded that they are, just like I am, not tied to the person they are today. Just as they were made into the person they are, so am I being made. And I can unmake, or remake, or just be who I am. And that is my choice to make. It is your choice too.

 Which will we decide? The easy lie, or the difficult truth? The truth may hurt at first, but nothing hurts as bad as a lifetime of suffering, brought on by avoiding the truth. When you sit down with yourself and see who you really are, will you take the red pill or the blue pill? Will you make excuses for your bad behavior, or will you love yourself by admitting you were wrong?

 You are the sun, not the clouds.

joe pye and swallowtails

Friday, July 5, 2013

The golden...years?

This is the one parenting expectation that came true for me, so far: everything really did get better the more he could talk. He's so cute. Everything he says is adorable. I can't understand half of what he says (daddy understands more than I do). He sang for the first time ... "On a farm... cow...mooo... yaaaay!!" "On a farm.... sheep... baaaa...yaay!!!" And one time he even threw in an "E I E I O!!"

He calls millipedes "Mama-pedes" and "Dada-pedes", and points out mamas and their babies everywhere we go.

Here's a comparison picture, this years Eno Festival and last year's:

last year

this year!

We all look so much happier!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Toddler eating habits

It's a common issue parents love griping to each other about. "My kid barely eats anything!" "He won't touch a vegetable." "It takes him FOREVER to finish his meal."

 When I was pregnant I read a few studies on toddler nutrition, and learned that 1) over the course of a week, given the choice to eat what they want to eat, toddlers choose a balanced diet and 2) toddlers need to try a food up to 20 times before deciding if they like it or not.

 If your house isn't full of junk, then let your kid eat what they want. Junk is processed food that comes in packages. If it comes straight from an animal or straight from the ground (minimal processing is ok... fresh bread, dark chocolate, etc) then it's food: relax, mamas! I make sure to offer often, unless I leave food out for him in plain sight to ask for or to get for himself. He doesn't whine for goldfish instead of his sandwhich, because he knows we don't have any goldfish. Don't buy things you don't want your kids to whine for!

 Kids don't like vegetables because they don't have much to offer a toddler. Not much fat or protein which they need to grow, and not much carbs which they need for all that brain and body activity. SCREW BROCCOLI, give them BUTTER! They can get fiber from things that also give them energy, like whole grains or raisins.

 Yesterday Luca would only eat fatty foods... eggs, bacon, salmon, cheese. The day before that he ate nothing but bread and fruit. The day before that, he ate nothing but jerky and cashews and chocolate chips and he acted like salmon and bacon were the worst foods in the world! He used to eat beans every day but now he won't touch them. I'm sure he will like them again later, so I will keep gently offering him all kind of things without judging what he "likes" and "dislikes".

 I will never force my child to finish the food on his plate, as that teaches kids how to force-feed themselves instead of stopping when they're full. I will never force him to eat a certain kind of food over another, as that would cause him to loose his awareness of his own unique daily needs. If he's eating too many cookies, it's because I'm buying too many cookies. I would never bring something into my home that was dangerous or unhealthy for him to eat large amounts of, or that would turn into a battle or a bargaining tool.

And speaking of which, I will never use food as a reward or punishment. Food is nourishment, an enjoyable family and personal activity, and a sacred ritual of self-care.

 I can't tell you how many parents come into the restaurant I work at and give their kids SWEET TEA. Or say things like "no dessert until you finish your chocolate chip pancake". Then again, these things mirror their own eating habits. If you want your kids to eat well, SHOW THEM HOW. That's the only way they can learn.

 He still nurses many times per day... a 2 year old can get a good 20-40% of important nutrients if they feed just a few times per day, because the milk is so nutritionally dense by that time. I DESPISE nursing because of D-MER, but I continue to do it for him. Not many moms have that option, so I'm not going to abuse the privilege by giving up yet.

 He has always been super thin but I've refused to know his percentile. The last time I accidentally saw it, it was 10-15%. I have heard so many parents panic about a number like that... but until he is off the chart, the number doesn't matter. He's within the range of normal and his personal curve is upward. He acts energetic.

 And he's learning new things every day with ease... he knows all the primary and secondary colors, he can count to 2 (well, he can count to 10 but he only understands the concept of "1" and "2"), and he understands that bees make honey, chickens make eggs, and mommy and daddy made Luca :) Grow vegetables also make a seamless connection from world to dinner plate.... though he still won't eat anything leafy :) That's just fine with me.