This was the best and worst summer of my life so far.
Ash and I have separated.
It all happened rather suddenly. From my perspective, things went from marvelous to not good in a matter of about 4-6 weeks sometime in April. There was a lot of resentment, suffering, and differential viewpoints surrounding certain events that all surfaced at once, due to various catalysts. I don't like surprises in general, but this one came with words that were especially hard to hear. When we did finally meet in a place of honesty, we found that what we wanted and needed in a life did not overlap much anymore. There were regular relationship problems too... codependency, for one. Shit that happens when you marry your first boyfriend before you're old enough to legally drink. But those kinds of things are fixable. What isn't changeable is Who You Really Are. So, I asked him to leave, and we separated. That was in June.
He's talking about sending me divorce papers soon. On one hand it's like... why waste time with the "will they won't they" crap when it's clear you are on different paths? And on the other hand it's like... how can an almost 9 year, BEAUTIFUL relationship dissolve so quickly? Was that speed really necessary? Was it the right choice? It felt incredibly traumatic. My first time experiencing heartbreak is this divorce. Ha! When we got married, I thought that it would be forever. When we had a child together, I thought Luca would grow up with parents that love each other. I thought I was gaining something that was secure and certain to continue to grow. Through losing the one thing I was absolutely certain of, I'm learning that nothing in life is actually certain. Mourning the loss of our life commitment has been incredibly painful. But I know we will always love each other. We will always be family.
Opening up to the impermanence of life has been enormously freeing. Without false hope and attachment and fear of change, life is actually a whole hell of a lot better. To the point where, for the first time in my life, I am experiencing zero mental illness. I didn't think that would ever be possible. Just a little over three years ago, I was standing on a bridge over 147, wondering how long my baby would survive if I jumped and left his stroller in the shade. I thought, maybe I'll wait until he's old enough to hold a sippy cup, so he won't get dehydrated. That's when I got help. Since moving to Asheville, I've continued to be a warrior on a self help quest. I've started doing Ashtanga yoga at least three days per week. On Saturdays I go to Contact Improv and on Sundays I go to Ecstatic Dance Church. I dance and cuddle and breathe and sweat my crazy out.
I also get a lot of love from a lot of incredible new people in my life. My network of meaningful relationships has doubled. No, tripled! I went from feeling incredibly lonely and isolated to having multiple things on my calendar every day. The abundance of life is overwhelming. I almost forget I'm sad, sometimes.
Alyssa and Redford moved in with Luca and I. We have an incredible little family together. The boys love each other so much, it's almost too much for my heart to bear to witness. And having two sister wives (HA!) raising two kids is a lot more equal and nourishing than most nuclear family dynamics. I love my job. I love the mountains.
I love myself. I love life.
|Alyssa + Redford|
|Luca + Redford|
|Me + Jared + Christine|
|Jared + Tikva (photo by Mark Hyatt)|
|Tay + Rick (photo by Mark Hyatt)|
|Tikva + Me|
|Jonah + Me|
|Brian + Me|
|Luca + Me|