Summer 2015: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

This was the best and worst summer of my life so far.

The amount of pain, change, confusion, and clarity has been staggering.

Opening up to the impermanence of life has been enormously freeing. Without false hope and attachment and fear of change, life is a whole hell of a lot better. To the point where, for the first time in my life, I am experiencing zero mental illness. I didn't think that would ever be possible. Just a little over three years ago, I was standing on a bridge over 147, wondering how long my baby would survive if I jumped and left his stroller in the shade. I thought, maybe I'll wait until he's old enough to hold a sippy cup, so he won't get dehydrated. That's when I got help.

Since moving to Asheville, I've continued to be a warrior on a self help quest. I've started doing Ashtanga yoga at least three days per week. On Saturdays, I go to Contact Improv and on Sundays, I go to Ecstatic Dance Church. I dance and cuddle and breathe and sweat my crazy out.

I also get a lot of love from a lot of incredible new people in my life. My network of meaningful relationships has doubled. No, tripled! I went from feeling incredibly lonely and isolated to having multiple things on my calendar every day. The abundance of life is overwhelming. I almost forget I'm sad, sometimes.

Alyssa and Redford moved in with Luca and I. We have an incredible little family together. The boys love each other so much, it's almost too much for my heart to bear to witness. And having two sister wives (HA!) raising two kids feels balanced and nourishing. I love my job. I love the mountains.

Alyssa + Redford

Luca + Redford

Luca + Me

What's it like being a social sciences major?

So, a lot of people don't even know what the social sciences are or what people study in that field, and that's a real shame! Some people even go as far as thinking nobody does ANYTHING in those departments, just because nobody makes TV shows about those kinds of jobs. But I can assure you potential college majors in the social sciences (and the parents of these students) that there is some really fascinating and important work being done in these fields.

On the first day of Anth 101, many students are told that we "make the strange familiar, and the familiar strange." But what the heck does that mean, exactly??

Just take a look at some of these paper titles of an undergrad at UNC Asheville, who majored in Sociology with a concentration in Anthropology. I'm sure it will be clear as day what kinds of insights are gained through this work, once you get a sense for the ground that is covered:

























So there you have it. I'm sure you now have a much better idea now of why we social science students spend hours and hours pouring over books that have titles that make absolutely no sense until you read the entire thing.... or why we are comparing notes on what our professors said last week in lecture and still scratching our heads, even though we don't have to do a lot of math or anything.

Every lecture we leave the building either feeling like:






... or feeling like:





And even sometimes like this:





And forgive us if all of your conversations with us end like this:





We ponder about the patrilineal patriarchy and its preposterousness!
We contemplate the acculturation of cultural relativism!
We think about the legitimacy of linguistic lineages!
We study animism and its assimilations through archeological accumulations!
We diagnose differential access and the discrimination that dictates its dispersal!

That's what we do, in the social sciences.

Is YOUR relationship healthy?

There is plenty of research out there on what is an ideal, healthy relationship. There is plenty of information available on what is an unhealthy relationship, as well. But, in the real world full of gray areas and ambiguity, what does an actual, happy relationship look like? I know hardly any people who fit neatly into either of those two extremes of "bad" or "good" partnerships.

I hear all kinds of things that seem contradictory:

"Couples who are happy rarely ever fight!"
"It's normal and healthy for couples to fight!"

"Happy couples know each other because they talk all the time!"
"Couples who are happy know what the other is thinking without having to say it!"

"Opposites attract!"
"Happy couples are a lot alike!"

So, I was curious. I got curious enough to make a survey and ask my Facebook friends to tell me what their happy relationships are really, actually like. Most of my sample is therefore white and middle class, but as a fellow white-middle-class-er, I'm mostly interested in my own culture's perceptions of partnership satisfaction (at this point).

I asked participants to self select based on only two criteria: the relationship must have lasted at least 2 years, and they must consider it to be a "healthy" relationship. I asked for at least two years of time together, because I wanted to get only couples who were out of the honeymoon phase. I also hoped to end up with only couples who had lived together for some time, though I didn't ask that.

The questions were thought up by me. Most were based on what I personally think is an indicator for a healthy relationship, though some were thrown in because OTHER people told me they were supposed to be indicators, and I wanted to see if they were right.

 General Feelings About The Relationship:

 Wow!! 75% of happy couples are thinking about how great their relationship is MULTIPLE times per week. That means their relationship is likely on their mind a lot in general. This makes sense, because you'd expect it to be a priority in their lives if it's doing well.

93% of happy couples only worry about the status of their relationship a couple of times per year, or less. That seems really high to me. But hey, I didn't say you'd get eaten by a dragon if you lied, so there's that.

We can conclude from this that it may be a red flag if you often think that things aren't going well in your relationship.

This may seem obvious, but think about it: if you're in an unhealthy relationship and are thinking to yourself several times per week that things aren't going as well as you'd like... and you ALSO think that this is NORMAL and EVERYONE feels this way, this frequently.... you might not accurately assess your own relationship, and you might fail to work on important things (or you might continue with a relationship that is clearly not working out).

Disagreements:

Half of happy couples almost never have "bad" fights. The ones who do only have a couple every year... with a few spitfires seeming to marry other spitfires, over in the monthly category ;)

This is a big one. People often say that fighting is normal, and it is. But, just because something is normal... does that make it ok? And what exactly is "fighting" anyways? If most couples are NOT happy, then who cares how often the average couple is fighting? My happy couples seem to be pretty mild mannered.

And what about those disagreements that DON'T go nuclear, but DO get addressed? Well, my survey seems to say that disagreements are certainly frequent enough. But they're not every day, and usually not even every week, for most happy couples.

The research says happy couples have five good interactions for every negative one (that seems low to me, but compared to couples headed for divorce who have one bad for every one good... sounds pretty good!).

Getting The Good Stuff:

How often are happy couples affectionate with each other? ALL THE DAMN TIME.

There's already plenty of polling on sex, so I didn't include it in mine. Happy couples have sex on average 2-3 times per week, and all couples have sex on average of 1-2 times per week. But, those surveys don't ask if it's GOOD sex, so I'm wondering... if these couples REALLY enjoy each other's physical company, they'd be voluntarily doing stuff that is not The Sex, right? Right. So keep touching each other, you naughty monkeys. 

Communication:

Conclusion? Happy couples talk about finances regularly.... and they rarely disagree about it. I think this gets filed under basic compatibility. If you don't have the same ideas about finances, your day-to-day life is going to be pretty rough as you try to come to compromises constantly, or if you're under stress because one spouse is bad with money, etc.

But what about raising kids? Arguably the most stressful job of all time?

Happy couples talk about child-rearing regularly. 79% of them almost never disagree about it, or only fight about it a couple of times per year. That's funny, because 67% of couples say they are less happy together after having kids. (Which is a question I didn't ask- how did having kids affect your relationship?) But that's a poll of ALL couples, not just the ones that identify as happy. So, perhaps raising kids is a lot easier if you've got a strong partner by your side. Makes sense.

(Don't ask me why the options above are out of order, I'm not sure what happened...)

Ok, how about talking about your feelings? Love is a feeling. We are with people because we love them, so I assume people talk about those feelings, or they wouldn't have known the other person loved them and then they wouldn't be together. Right? Right.

73% of happy couples talk about their emotions at least a few times per week. This is one of those things I hear about a lot, from friends in unhealthy relationships. They have NO idea what the other person is thinking and feeling.

One thing I forgot to ask with this question is.... who's sharing? Is just one person opening up, or are BOTH people equally open with their thoughts and feelings? I'm assuming that the next question addressed this, at least in part.

Equality:

My theory is that you need ALL PEOPLE INVOLVED in a relationship to be equally involved, otherwise it's just one person pulling a bolder uphill, while the other person is sitting on top of it saying "Pull harder! I'm pushing as hard as I can back here!"

And my numbers support my theory.

Most happy couples are working equally hard to keep that relationship healthy. Good relationships are hard work! But, it's always worth it when the other person is equally committed. 

DRAMA:

Drama is when things get.... well, dramatic. You have a couple of real life movie moments, and you find yourself thinking, "who would watch this movie??"

Unsurprisingly, most happy relationships are pretty drama-free. But every once in a while, they may need a good kick in the arse.

Thank you to the 55 happy couples who contributed (one was me)! And if you're reading this and thinking "Well, shit, I don't think we're quite there yet", then good luck to you on your journey... whether you decide to cut and run or buckle down and give it the ol' college try (just make sure your partner is trying, too!). And I hope these survey results can help point you in the right direction so you know where to concentrate your energy,  and so you know what is actually reasonable to expect of your partner and of yourself.