Now THAT'S love.
(And yes, also ridiculous. I wish you all babies who are deep, DEEP sleepers.)
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Love
I found this photo on my mom's iPhone today. It looks like Aunt Alyssa walked him to sleep in her arms, and then he wouldn't let her put him down. So she did what Ash and I always do in that situation.
Now THAT'S love.
(And yes, also ridiculous. I wish you all babies who are deep, DEEP sleepers.)
Now THAT'S love.
(And yes, also ridiculous. I wish you all babies who are deep, DEEP sleepers.)
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Some photos
Found my chef hat my Uncle Johnny gave me when I was a kid.
Here are some pictures from a day he spent at Mamaw and Papaw's house while I was at work:
I'm so excited that his bottom molars are coming in!! Pretty soon, he will be able to chew real food!!!!
P.S. He ate AN ENTIRE BANANA TODAY.
Here are some pictures from a day he spent at Mamaw and Papaw's house while I was at work:
I'm so excited that his bottom molars are coming in!! Pretty soon, he will be able to chew real food!!!!
P.S. He ate AN ENTIRE BANANA TODAY.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Luca's first minor injury!
On the morning of Sunday November 11th, Luca tripped and fell into a still burning bonfire from the night before. Ashes went down his sleeve and burnt his arm. I stuck it in the cold river water right away, took him up to the house and put aloe on it again and again. It still blistered, but there were only small blisters from his wrist to his elbow. I covered it with non-petroleum jelly (some debate as to whether this helps or hinders) and nursed him for two hours while he slept. When He woke up, it looked a lot better so I knew he would be ok and be able to heal on his own. He did not act like it was hurting him any more, though I know from my own burns how much it must have hurt at first. But he never really cried too much. I covered it with aloe, calendula, anti-bacterial ointment and bandages every day after that for a week, and it is almost completely healed by this point. I wish I had pictures of the whole healing process, I'm so impressed with how well it healed and how QUICKLY!
He has started at least attempting to say EVERYTHING we say. He has added a couple animals sounds ("aka-dooooo!!" is a rooster) and will say "thank you" almost every time we say it. He also says "turkey", "cute", "mama", "papaw", and we made up a sign for watching videos of himself on the iPhone ("camera", while looking through a lens we make with our hand) which he learned after exactly ONE time of me modeling it for him. He also does a great fake laugh, to play along whenever we laugh.
We let him watch Mr. Rogers at my parent's house. I can't believe what an amazing program it is. The music has the most lovely original melodies, with whimsical lyrics that delight as well as teach. He effectively teaches all the values Ash and I hold dear, like self-compassion, emotional honesty, cooperation, love... I can't believe how much I'M getting out of watching this show. And there is VERY little editing and the pace is nice and slow... a touch slower than real life, which is also important to us. So far, this and live musical performances are all he has seen. It sure is nice to have something to entertain him for a few minutes, so I can eat with two hands.
At 12 months we experienced a period of easy sleep for Luca. He went to bed without any trouble and he was sleeping regularly for long stretches. But then his molars started coming in, and have taken their sweet time. He is back to waking every 2 hours at night, and nursing like a newborn during the day as well. It's exhausting, but Ash and I are taking turns doing the nighttime parenting now that he is old enough to not "need" nursing at night physically. We bought some herbal extracts for "calming kids" which works quite well. We also take turns sleeping in, in the mornings.
I feel I have really turned a corner, lately. This is day 6 of me feeling really happy. No depression, no anxiety, no stress, so self-hatred... I think it's a combination of some things I have been trying in therapy, my increasing comfort with being a mom, and my increasing ability to identify my needs and work to get them met. This past Wednesday, I looked at him and really FELT it for the first time... he's not a baby anymore. He's a little boy. And he is separate from me. This was a big deal for me, since most of my anxiety came from me absorbing any of his (perceived) suffering. I can also see a lot more how my struggle was feeding his difficult temperament.
Thanksgiving was so wonderful. My mom made some really great food, my dad built some really nice fires, and my brothers and sister and I played some really great music. Luca ate 3 or 4 helpings of thanksgiving dinner. I guess he just happened on be on a growth spurt day on that day, with such great food for him to eat!! Unfortunately, from all the talk going on he figured out the word "pie"pretty quickly. I don't let him have sugar, but luckily Mamaw had made Papaw a low-sugar pumpkin pie bars (made with honey and whole wheat flower). So I have been calling that "Luca's Pumpkin Pie", and he seems to buy it.
He keeps climbing under the end table and getting stuck in there.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Trip to Asheville
The day after we left, Superstorm Sandy hit and brought a whole bunch of snow to the mountains!! So our trip was very well-timed.
We ate at Rosetta's, Green Sage, Homegrown, Edna's... and we went hiking. Good food and the great outdoors is what Asheville is all about!! I also went to their giant Goodwill store and bought some stuff for mine and Luca's Halloween costumes. We went to HalloweEno together in Durham so we needed costumes!
Luca got sick halfway through the vacation, spiking a fever of 103.5 and refusing to nurse. He didn't nurse until 6 days later. The only clue we have is a couple white dots on his lower lip, which might mean he caught the herpes virus. Either that, or the molar that was coming in was bothering him so much, he didn't want to nurse. I felt pretty terrible because I was worried about my baby, and also terrible because of the hormone drop from a sudden lack of nursing. I was EXTREMELY engorged almost the whole time, which was very painful. Pumping brought little relief. When he woke up at night to nurse, but couldn't, I would give him a sippy cup of water and then daddy would walk him back and forth until he fell back asleep. But he would fall asleep initially at nighttime and naps without any effort of nursing, so that was nice. A few times he insisted on using my bare breast as a pillow... poor sweet baby, missed his nursies!!
At the end of that week I actually got excited at the thought of him potentially weaning. Because of the D-MER, I have never got to enjoy nursing, and only stuck with it for his sake. But I'm glad he's back on it... my goal is still 2 years.
Luca also learned how to frown intentionally on this trip. So cute.
One of our managers, Amy, took this photo of the Elmo's staff dressed up for Halloween!
One of our managers, Amy, took this photo of the Elmo's staff dressed up for Halloween!
Monday, October 29, 2012
On Nudity
I have been advised several times, usually from people older and wiser than me, to remove the images of Luca on the internet in which he is fully or partially naked. I would like to explain why I will not be taking them down. This is a decision my husband and I share, and it is the choice we have made for our family. We do not judge others who make different choices for their families, and we recognize that others may have different values.
Of course we are aware that our opinions and beliefs matter little in the eyes of the legal system. But the legal system draws a fairly clear line between what is considered child pornography and what is considered perfectly innocent pictures of babies taking baths. There is little precedent for anyone (concerned neighbors, family members, etc) successfully charging parents with child pornography if the images in question have no sexual undertones and if the taking of the picture does not involve abuse or some other danger to the child. Of course we would never, ever, EVER do such a thing to Luca and if we ever knew someone to place their child in such a situation, we would be leading the charge against them along with the rest of you.
Given that we are not doing anything to incite legitimate legal action against us, Ash and I feel free to act according to our beliefs, which are as follows: We firmly believe that there is nothing wrong, shameful, or automatically sexual about the naked human body, and that this is especially true for children. We enjoy being naked whenever the weather allows it. We feel that censoring a child's naked body tells a child (and everyone else) that the child is responsible for the thoughts and actions of OTHERS. This is the same logic that legitimizes rape by saying that women who expose their faces, ankles, shoulders, etc., are "asking for it".
I believe it is wrong to sexualize children. If you require a 3 year old girl to wear a bathing suit top at the pool, I call that sexualization of children, because a 3 year old has no "breasts" to cover and ought not to be ashamed of herself. Now, with a top on, she has imagined breasts that are "covered", and she gets the sense that there is something "wrong" with them being shown.
When you ask a breastfeeding woman to go to the bathroom or cover herself up, you are asking her to take responsibility for the thoughts and actions of others. She is just feeding her baby. By covering it up, you imply there is something shameful going on, when in reality it is the thoughts of others that may be shameful. This has been happening to women for thousands of years, and I won't let it happen to my son.
It is not the responsibility of the individual to try and live their life to accomodate the lowest common denominator in society. I am not going to walk around assuming everyone is evaluating my rape-ability, I'm going to wear what make me comfortable. It is everyone else's job not to rape me. If a married man looks down my low-cut shirt, that's his problem and not mine. There is nothing about the human body that requires "LOOK AT ME AND LUST AFTER ME SEXUALLY", that's a choice we all make according to what our culture has taught us.
90% of the time, my child is naked. I'm not going to censor the fact just because a pedophile might be using the photo to their advantage. That's the pedophile's problem, not mine or my child's. It is their decision, and it's a decision that hurts only themselves. I'm not going to sit around imagining all the terrible things people might be thinking or doing because of the way me or my child is dressed. Attempting to remove the object of a crime does not make the crime go away or even necessarily reduce it; just look at how well the war on drugs is going.
Our society over-sexualizes women and children. I refuse to participate in that culture, by censoring my body when breastfeeding, or by censoring my child's body while he innocently runs across the driveway. It's important to me that my son views clothing as a convenience, a practical solution to natural problems, and a personal choice for self-expression and cultural participation... but NOT as a requirement for being a good person or as a way to prevent evil in the world from affecting him. The evil and suffering is going to exist, regardless of what you wear. There is no need to carry shame around because others are making poor choices in their interactions with you, or with the images of you.
When my son is old enough to talk, if he expresses to me that he wants the photos taken down, I will respect his wishes. He is the master of his own body, and nobody else can tell him what he is or is not comfortable with, or whether he should or should not be ashamed of himself. The best I can do is set an example of my own values, and make sure he knows that I love him no matter who he becomes or what he believes.... and teach him that the thoughts and actions of others are the responsibility of no one but themselves.
Of course we are aware that our opinions and beliefs matter little in the eyes of the legal system. But the legal system draws a fairly clear line between what is considered child pornography and what is considered perfectly innocent pictures of babies taking baths. There is little precedent for anyone (concerned neighbors, family members, etc) successfully charging parents with child pornography if the images in question have no sexual undertones and if the taking of the picture does not involve abuse or some other danger to the child. Of course we would never, ever, EVER do such a thing to Luca and if we ever knew someone to place their child in such a situation, we would be leading the charge against them along with the rest of you.
Given that we are not doing anything to incite legitimate legal action against us, Ash and I feel free to act according to our beliefs, which are as follows: We firmly believe that there is nothing wrong, shameful, or automatically sexual about the naked human body, and that this is especially true for children. We enjoy being naked whenever the weather allows it. We feel that censoring a child's naked body tells a child (and everyone else) that the child is responsible for the thoughts and actions of OTHERS. This is the same logic that legitimizes rape by saying that women who expose their faces, ankles, shoulders, etc., are "asking for it".
I believe it is wrong to sexualize children. If you require a 3 year old girl to wear a bathing suit top at the pool, I call that sexualization of children, because a 3 year old has no "breasts" to cover and ought not to be ashamed of herself. Now, with a top on, she has imagined breasts that are "covered", and she gets the sense that there is something "wrong" with them being shown.
When you ask a breastfeeding woman to go to the bathroom or cover herself up, you are asking her to take responsibility for the thoughts and actions of others. She is just feeding her baby. By covering it up, you imply there is something shameful going on, when in reality it is the thoughts of others that may be shameful. This has been happening to women for thousands of years, and I won't let it happen to my son.
It is not the responsibility of the individual to try and live their life to accomodate the lowest common denominator in society. I am not going to walk around assuming everyone is evaluating my rape-ability, I'm going to wear what make me comfortable. It is everyone else's job not to rape me. If a married man looks down my low-cut shirt, that's his problem and not mine. There is nothing about the human body that requires "LOOK AT ME AND LUST AFTER ME SEXUALLY", that's a choice we all make according to what our culture has taught us.
90% of the time, my child is naked. I'm not going to censor the fact just because a pedophile might be using the photo to their advantage. That's the pedophile's problem, not mine or my child's. It is their decision, and it's a decision that hurts only themselves. I'm not going to sit around imagining all the terrible things people might be thinking or doing because of the way me or my child is dressed. Attempting to remove the object of a crime does not make the crime go away or even necessarily reduce it; just look at how well the war on drugs is going.
Our society over-sexualizes women and children. I refuse to participate in that culture, by censoring my body when breastfeeding, or by censoring my child's body while he innocently runs across the driveway. It's important to me that my son views clothing as a convenience, a practical solution to natural problems, and a personal choice for self-expression and cultural participation... but NOT as a requirement for being a good person or as a way to prevent evil in the world from affecting him. The evil and suffering is going to exist, regardless of what you wear. There is no need to carry shame around because others are making poor choices in their interactions with you, or with the images of you.
When my son is old enough to talk, if he expresses to me that he wants the photos taken down, I will respect his wishes. He is the master of his own body, and nobody else can tell him what he is or is not comfortable with, or whether he should or should not be ashamed of himself. The best I can do is set an example of my own values, and make sure he knows that I love him no matter who he becomes or what he believes.... and teach him that the thoughts and actions of others are the responsibility of no one but themselves.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
It's been a while...
Luca's second year of life is starting out great. Fall is here, our favorite season. Luca wakes up each morning and points to the record player, grunting and whining until we put on music. Some of his favorite records are Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy, The Beatles' Revolver, Chopin Polonnaises, Handel's Water Music...
After a month of terrible teething symptoms with a major sleep regression (back to waking crying every two hours), Luca has THREE new teeth cutting through (one being a molar!!).
He loves waving and saying "bye", saying "boom" when he throws things, and pointing to various facial features while we say their names (or finding face parts when we ask him). He is getting pretty good at using a fork and spoon. He loves giving kisses to family members and to his special friends, Danielle and Leo. Every morning I wake up to him looking at my face or giving me a big wet kiss!
Speaking of Danielle, she has taken some great pictures of Luca lately. My camera is broken and has been for several months, meaning the only photos I have are from the iPhone. Leo and Luca have lots of play dates together, for fun or for building houses.
They did this all by themselves:
Photo by Danielle.
This is the Luca we know!
Photo by Danielle.
Photo by Danielle.
Photo by Danielle.
Luca eating black beans from Elmo's, his favorite food:
Luca's first pumpkin! Though it's his second Halloween.
The first Halloween, he was too little to do anything. This year, we plan to take him to HallowEno, at the Eno River!
Brushing his teeth:
Luca loves looking at himself in the iPhone.
After a month of terrible teething symptoms with a major sleep regression (back to waking crying every two hours), Luca has THREE new teeth cutting through (one being a molar!!).
He loves waving and saying "bye", saying "boom" when he throws things, and pointing to various facial features while we say their names (or finding face parts when we ask him). He is getting pretty good at using a fork and spoon. He loves giving kisses to family members and to his special friends, Danielle and Leo. Every morning I wake up to him looking at my face or giving me a big wet kiss!
Speaking of Danielle, she has taken some great pictures of Luca lately. My camera is broken and has been for several months, meaning the only photos I have are from the iPhone. Leo and Luca have lots of play dates together, for fun or for building houses.
They did this all by themselves:
Photo by Danielle.
This is the Luca we know!
Photo by Danielle.
Photo by Danielle.
Photo by Danielle.
Luca eating black beans from Elmo's, his favorite food:
Luca's first pumpkin! Though it's his second Halloween.
The first Halloween, he was too little to do anything. This year, we plan to take him to HallowEno, at the Eno River!
Brushing his teeth:
Luca loves looking at himself in the iPhone.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Happy Birthday, Luca!!
Yesterday, August 9th 2012, was Luca's first birthday. He had the same cake that my mom made for all of us when we turned one... from the LLL cookbook. It's mostly carrots, pineapple and honey! He ate a whole piece.
Before kids, most people have had hard days, where they were ill yet had to go to work anyways, or they didn't get enough sleep; it's easy to think "I know what hardship is, I know a baby will make life harder. That's the price you pay for all that joy, right? I'll manage." But somehow it didn't occur to me that every day was going to be hard. I don't know why. Overly hopeful optimism as some sort of poorly evolved coping mechanism?
Before kids, most people have had hard days, where they were ill yet had to go to work anyways, or they didn't get enough sleep; it's easy to think "I know what hardship is, I know a baby will make life harder. That's the price you pay for all that joy, right? I'll manage." But somehow it didn't occur to me that every day was going to be hard. I don't know why. Overly hopeful optimism as some sort of poorly evolved coping mechanism?
What didn't happen, after I had Luca, was truly accepting that life is now harder. I always thought in the back of my mind that parenthood wouldn't be hard for me, because 1) my marriage was invincible 2) my parenting would be better than everyone else's 3) my baby would have a personality like my own or my husband's. None of these things turned out to be true. I do have a strong marriage, and we work hard (with less energy and less time than we had before) to keep it that way, but that didn't mean it was invincible. I think I am a great parent, but I'm not the parent I thought I would be, and I don't think my parenting choices are better than anyone else's. My baby does NOT have either of our personalities- he is entirely his own person. He's a very demanding, sensitive, and exhausting person. But he's also sweet, silly, and inquisitive.
I always thought that I would love breastfeeding. My mother and all women I knew talked about it only with positivity. But it really has not been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. It hurt like hell for the first 3-4 months. I spent a lot of time during those early months crying while watching my husband get to sleep, next to me. I have D-MER, which causes me to have a dopamine crash with every milk let down (I feel anxious, sad, and angry whenever I nurse). He bites. Food proteins leaking into my breast milk forced me onto a very restricted elimination diet for several weeks, and he continued to have blood in his stool several times a week for still-unexplained reasons. Because he screamed in the car, we hardly ever left the house until he was about 8 months old.
The biggest adjustment was allowing sleep deprivation to become the new norm. I'm still getting used to this. I'm still a little resentful that I don't have an easy baby, who would sleep at night or nap consistently during the day. Everything is so hard when you're tired. It's so easy to loose sight of anything good in life when you're so, so tired. I really don't think it would be safe for me to operate a car without caffeine. I certainly can't function at work without it.
I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom and that I would love it. Turns out, being home all the time is a recipe for ultimate insanity for me… and I couldn't afford it anyways, Even with government medicaid and the support of my family. Contrary to what I had imagined, I actually enjoy having some time away from Luca during the week. I really do think it allows me to be a better mother.
The one thing I don't miss is "free time". There is nothing that resembles free time in my life anymore, and I don't really care. I feel like nothing I do is a waste of time, which feels good. If I pick a book to read, it's one that is really worth my time and energy (and along those lines, I don't play computer games anymore because they are a complete waste of time and energy). Any moments we have away from the baby are used to try and frantically complete a few things on our to-do list, and it's suddenly fun do do things like call the dentist (without being interrupted). It's nice to appreciate life for what it is, rather than wish I had more time to waste doing "fun" things.
The one thing I don't miss is "free time". There is nothing that resembles free time in my life anymore, and I don't really care. I feel like nothing I do is a waste of time, which feels good. If I pick a book to read, it's one that is really worth my time and energy (and along those lines, I don't play computer games anymore because they are a complete waste of time and energy). Any moments we have away from the baby are used to try and frantically complete a few things on our to-do list, and it's suddenly fun do do things like call the dentist (without being interrupted). It's nice to appreciate life for what it is, rather than wish I had more time to waste doing "fun" things.
Having a child is a sort of ego death- you flail around for a while, trying desperately to hang on to who you used to be and who you are used to being. That flailing is more painful than anything you are actually going through in reality. But pretty soon, you learn to be groundless again and the second you do, you get your footing back. Your new role as a part-time martyr isn't that bad.
I've learned that love is an ever-flowing undercurrent, that you can always access, if you relax and allow yourself to stop resisting. I still don't know if I will remember this first year of Luca's life fondly (or if I will ever find the bravery and selflessness to have another child), but I know that as a person I have changed for the better… and I have no regrets anymore.
Now that he is 1 year old, I feel like Luca is an extension of myself, and a natural, normal part of my life… and I can't imagine my life without him.
Happy first birthday, Luca!!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Almost 12 months!
We had a great day yesterday. We went to the art museum in Raleigh... Luca loved it! He rode in the Ergo and pointed at everything, wanting us to explain everything happening in every painting.
Then we went to Pullen Park, for the first time.
We bought a wood burning stove for our house, from a person who had a craigslist ad up. Only $120!
Then we ate indian food... I found the place with a quick google and a brief overview of reviews. It was great, and turned out to have "Indy Best of the Triangle" stickers in the window. Luca sat in his high chair and ate some off of his own plate, and was so quiet. He didn't cry in the car, either.
This is Luca getting stuck in his potty chair. He kept doing this, over and over. And then throwing a tantrum. He's such a toddler now.
Then we went to Pullen Park, for the first time.
We bought a wood burning stove for our house, from a person who had a craigslist ad up. Only $120!
Then we ate indian food... I found the place with a quick google and a brief overview of reviews. It was great, and turned out to have "Indy Best of the Triangle" stickers in the window. Luca sat in his high chair and ate some off of his own plate, and was so quiet. He didn't cry in the car, either.
This is Luca getting stuck in his potty chair. He kept doing this, over and over. And then throwing a tantrum. He's such a toddler now.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
In July, far far I fly
Yesterday, Luca spent the day with Mamaw while I was working from 11am-4:30pm, because Ash had his first physical in 10 years (clean bill of health! Though we still have the blood work to go...). Apparently, he was content the whole time! They gave him a bath. He ate blueberries, bananas, and tons of roasted red pepper hummus. He slept from 1:10pm-3:30pm, his longest nap ever!! I had pumped both breasts twice the day before (and only got 2.5 ounces of milk) so he had that too. He was not clingy or anything when I got home, he just wanted to nurse a whole bunch.
Then I drove him downtown to get Ash from work and he fell asleep in the car. He slept through the first ten minutes of "Moonrise Kingdom", woke up and pointed at stuff on the screen and made appropriate noises (dog barking, car vrooming, etc) and gave me these smiles that were like "wow mommy, is this magic?" (he is not allowed to watch screens normally) Then he fell back asleep for the rest of the movie. We went home at 11:30pm and though he did wake up, there was no meltdown and he went back to sleep until he woke me a couple hours later to nurse. Could have been a stressful day (and it would have been 2 months ago), but it wasn't!
Today I got home from work to find the toilet brush in the toilet. And it wasn't daddy who put it there! I guess I'm lucky that's ALL I found in the toilet.
Then I drove him downtown to get Ash from work and he fell asleep in the car. He slept through the first ten minutes of "Moonrise Kingdom", woke up and pointed at stuff on the screen and made appropriate noises (dog barking, car vrooming, etc) and gave me these smiles that were like "wow mommy, is this magic?" (he is not allowed to watch screens normally) Then he fell back asleep for the rest of the movie. We went home at 11:30pm and though he did wake up, there was no meltdown and he went back to sleep until he woke me a couple hours later to nurse. Could have been a stressful day (and it would have been 2 months ago), but it wasn't!
Today I got home from work to find the toilet brush in the toilet. And it wasn't daddy who put it there! I guess I'm lucky that's ALL I found in the toilet.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Quick Updates
Copying my facebook status updates because I'm lazy:
"Luca took a couples steps yesterday without holding on to anything. He also fed himself from a bowl with a spoon, said "mama", and drank from a cup without a lid (with hilarious yet surprisingly successful results)! My baby is turning into a toddler."
"AND we got an early birthday present this morning (Museum of Life and Science membership) which I can't wait to enjoy on this over 100 day!! Luca will be 11 months old next week, and he will be going with me to the Eno Festival for the first time, and I will be turning 24. I had pie for breakfast yesterday. LOOK AT THIS BIG LIST OF GOOD THINGS!!"
" He started pointing. He signs "nursies" and "more"."
"Luca took a couples steps yesterday without holding on to anything. He also fed himself from a bowl with a spoon, said "mama", and drank from a cup without a lid (with hilarious yet surprisingly successful results)! My baby is turning into a toddler."
"AND we got an early birthday present this morning (Museum of Life and Science membership) which I can't wait to enjoy on this over 100 day!! Luca will be 11 months old next week, and he will be going with me to the Eno Festival for the first time, and I will be turning 24. I had pie for breakfast yesterday. LOOK AT THIS BIG LIST OF GOOD THINGS!!"
" He started pointing. He signs "nursies" and "more"."
When he signs "more" he doesn't pinch his fingers together yet. He just hits his hands together twice (for "more" bites, but also when the plate is empty he will sign "more"!). And when he points, he makes these little grunts... like unspecific "oh, that" noises.
I feel like my herbs aren't working as well lately. I feel more tired. I really wish I had gotten some video of my labor and birth. Or at least more pictures. I may not have any other children and I'd like to remember that day! I also feel really conflicted about the more-children-dilema. I feel like there are REALLY important things one can only learn about life by having siblings. There are ways your heart is opened up by having brothers and/or sisters. But I don't know if I could live through it again... I don't know if my mental health will ever recover from this to the point where I would be confident enough to take the risk of having a hard baby again. And now that Luca's getting older and we can start thinking about doing our favorite things again (like travel, reading, playing shows, ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES TWO HANDS)... I don't want to go back to that baby stage ever again.
Luca has a fever of 102.9 (or last I measured, before giving him ibuprofen). No other symptoms, just started getting warm Thursday around noon and has been warm since then. I have to work at 8am tomorrow, so I can't hold my poor sick baby all day :(
After working at the home day care... I'm not sure that's what I want to do after all. But that's ok, that's why I wanted to try it! I keep thinking about a job somewhere like the Museum of Life and Science... but I have also been mildly interested in maybe being a counselor/therapist/social worker of some sort. This is mostly inspired by reading "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall C. Rosenburg. I can't think of any work that could possibly be more important than that. But I am definitely called more and more to the working-outside-of-the-home thing, and Ash is really settling into the stay-at-home parent thing (not right now, obviously, right now we are working about the same number of hours each week).
My camera is broken so I'm not taking as many pictures lately :( We are going to the Eno Festival on Sunday!! I can't wait to take Luca. I hope he feels better (he seems to be getting better... he had skipped all meals and just nursed until tonight, when he ate his weight in shepherd's pie). I'm missing the "Fever Year" screening downtown outside because I'm home with the sick baby.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
10 months
Luca came out of the bedroom after his nap today, when I got home from work... and he practically told me a story. He made little sounds that had different inflections and intonation, he hit his hands together, he touched his head, he looked in different directions.... oh my gosh, it was the cutest thing ever.
He also played lots of peek-a-boo with me. He actually cried when I folded up the blanket, because he wanted to play more! He takes every toy and hides his face with it, or tries to put it on his head.
I started eating dairy and soy again, last Monday. So far so good- no blood. Oh boy does it feel good to eat butter. I feel COMPLETE again, with butter. That glorious bit of fat makes all food feel like it lasts longer.
Finally found some things Luca does NOT like to eat: eggs and tomato. He spit out both yesterday. I'm not sure why he likes beans so much! They pass through undigested, still. We tried one nursing break instead of two for one shift. My boobs almost exploded, but Luca was fine.
Here he is eating black beans at Elmo's:
Here he is walking (with assistance from the red car):
He also played lots of peek-a-boo with me. He actually cried when I folded up the blanket, because he wanted to play more! He takes every toy and hides his face with it, or tries to put it on his head.
I started eating dairy and soy again, last Monday. So far so good- no blood. Oh boy does it feel good to eat butter. I feel COMPLETE again, with butter. That glorious bit of fat makes all food feel like it lasts longer.
Finally found some things Luca does NOT like to eat: eggs and tomato. He spit out both yesterday. I'm not sure why he likes beans so much! They pass through undigested, still. We tried one nursing break instead of two for one shift. My boobs almost exploded, but Luca was fine.
Here he is eating black beans at Elmo's:
Here he is walking (with assistance from the red car):
Sunday, June 10, 2012
A great couple of days
Saturday marked the third day in a row that I had worked, and the first two days I had worked both morning and night. Luca's 6th tooth came in on that third day, and that, in combination with not seeing me very much for three days, really got to him. He was crying a lot that day. Daddy was exhausted.
After I got off work at 330, we relaxed and ate a bunch of food. Luca at tons of Shepard pie!
Luca fell asleep at 5:30 and woke up at 6pm. We got in the car and drove to Southern Village for a movie on the lawn. He didn't cry the whole way there (35 minutes?). When we got there it was about 6:45 and the movie didn't start until sundown (after 9pm?), so we hung out on the lawn and listened to a mediocre band play. We walked to Weaver street and got some indian food, which he ate while standing up on our blanket. He has never stood up so long by himself!! He made friends with neighboring babies. Then we walked around, ate some frozen yogurt (mom got sorbet, baby had fresh raspberries), bought our movie tickets ($4 each), hung out on the blanket, etc... he had a great time.
The movie (Hunger Games) started at about 9:45. He was feeling a little crazy. He was making loud baby noises at the sky, at people, at the movie screen. At one point he just laid down on the blanket and yelled at the stars. Then Ash took him on a walk in the carrier and he fell asleep. He slept on the blanket THE ENTIRE MOVIE. And then we put him in the car, and he slept THE ENTIRE WAY HOME.
Today was our day off, so we went to my parent's house and chilled and watered the vegetables. We shot a bow and arrow for a little while. Then the baby napped for OVER TWO HOURS and I napped along with him. I couldn't believe it.
He turned 10 months old yesterday. I'm so excited about him growing up!! He has only woken up once or twice at night, several times in the past two weeks. Everything is finally starting to get a little easier.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
My Big Boy
Some great things happened today!
We dropped Luca off at our friend's house (Danielle and Greg and baby Leo) to run errands for a couple of hours on our own (and have a nice date for our 3rd anniversary today!). We watched their baby on Monday for a couple hours while they did the same. Hopefully we can make this trade every month, or more often!
When we left him, he cried so bad. It was so hard to leave, but I knew lingering would make it worse so I didn't. I cried as we drove away, I couldn't bear the thought of him being sad because I wasn't there. We thought surely we wouldn't get more than 30 minutes before they would have to call us. But that call never came.
First, we were giddy with our newfound freedom. Then we were surprised by our lack of relief... we actually were weirded out by his absence. Then we accepted it and started to enjoy the quiet, and reminisce about the days when this feeling (of wandering and doing what we wanted to with our day) was normal. What on earth did we do with all our time back then?? We ate a sandwich and talked and held hands. We scoped out some cardboard and building materials in the dumpster. We picked up my server training manual at work. We had pur-erh tea and played a game of chess. We talked about life with a baby and how much we have changed as people since having Luca. We smiled and walked with enjoyable jitters down the sidewalk, from our tea. We wished each other happy anniversary and declared how much we missed our baby and couldn't wait to have him back.
We returned to find him sitting on Danielle's lap in the grass, and he smiled as we walked up. I gave him the most genuine hug and kiss I ever have. He shrieked he was so happy to see us. And then Greg and Danielle told us all about it... about how he cried whenever Leo was sad. About how he wouldn't let Greg hold him. About how he held the same leaf in his mouth for several minutes. About how he cried until Danielle nursed him for 25 minutes (afterward he apparently decided to trust her and he had a great time!). I was so relieved that he let Danielle comfort him in that special way, and that Danielle was brave enough to try it (even though we had already given each other the go-ahead on it). She even nursed both babies at once... a taste of what twins are like!!
We got home and I put Luca down so I could use the bathroom, expecting him to cry and crawl after me as he usually does. But he didn't. He happily crawled away from me and toward his toys. He has NEVER done that. And he continued to play all by himself while I typed this. He fell asleep at 6pm. Danielle, I think you have magic milk.
Edit: Here are pictures and video from when Leo came to OUR house without his mommy and daddy!
Edit two:
Here is Luca in his own bed!
We dropped Luca off at our friend's house (Danielle and Greg and baby Leo) to run errands for a couple of hours on our own (and have a nice date for our 3rd anniversary today!). We watched their baby on Monday for a couple hours while they did the same. Hopefully we can make this trade every month, or more often!
When we left him, he cried so bad. It was so hard to leave, but I knew lingering would make it worse so I didn't. I cried as we drove away, I couldn't bear the thought of him being sad because I wasn't there. We thought surely we wouldn't get more than 30 minutes before they would have to call us. But that call never came.
First, we were giddy with our newfound freedom. Then we were surprised by our lack of relief... we actually were weirded out by his absence. Then we accepted it and started to enjoy the quiet, and reminisce about the days when this feeling (of wandering and doing what we wanted to with our day) was normal. What on earth did we do with all our time back then?? We ate a sandwich and talked and held hands. We scoped out some cardboard and building materials in the dumpster. We picked up my server training manual at work. We had pur-erh tea and played a game of chess. We talked about life with a baby and how much we have changed as people since having Luca. We smiled and walked with enjoyable jitters down the sidewalk, from our tea. We wished each other happy anniversary and declared how much we missed our baby and couldn't wait to have him back.
We returned to find him sitting on Danielle's lap in the grass, and he smiled as we walked up. I gave him the most genuine hug and kiss I ever have. He shrieked he was so happy to see us. And then Greg and Danielle told us all about it... about how he cried whenever Leo was sad. About how he wouldn't let Greg hold him. About how he held the same leaf in his mouth for several minutes. About how he cried until Danielle nursed him for 25 minutes (afterward he apparently decided to trust her and he had a great time!). I was so relieved that he let Danielle comfort him in that special way, and that Danielle was brave enough to try it (even though we had already given each other the go-ahead on it). She even nursed both babies at once... a taste of what twins are like!!
We got home and I put Luca down so I could use the bathroom, expecting him to cry and crawl after me as he usually does. But he didn't. He happily crawled away from me and toward his toys. He has NEVER done that. And he continued to play all by himself while I typed this. He fell asleep at 6pm. Danielle, I think you have magic milk.
Edit: Here are pictures and video from when Leo came to OUR house without his mommy and daddy!
Edit two:
Here is Luca in his own bed!
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