First night away from baby

Thought I would outline a typical day for us:

7:30am Luca wakes
7:45am Luca is done running around the bed and letting us sleep in.
8:00am One of us makes breakfast while the other one puts together appetizers for Luca, or plays with him, or just holds him if he is teething.
 8:15am Everyone eats slowly because Luca wants to switch back and forth between our laps and his own chair, or he is spilling stuff, or he is asking lots of questions about what we're doing.
 9:00am I watch the baby outside while Ash works on a farm project (unless I go to work in the morning, then Ash takes him out to play after I leave).
 11:00am Cook and eat second breakfast, and/or Luca meltdown. He will either fall asleep now or power through.
 12:00pm Clean up the kitchen. Luca free play inside while we clean, unless he is too grumpy, then we turn on Mr. Rogers or Curious George. I will sometimes do internet stuff at this point while Ash cleans.
 1:00pm Ash puts Luca down for his nap. I either go somewhere else to take a nap if Luca didn't sleep well last night, or I do my own farm projects. My mom leaves to go to work.
 3:00pm Luca wakes up and I go to work, or Ash goes to pick up Quinten from school.
3:30pm Snack. This is when Luca eats the majority of his food for the day.
 4:00pm Ash does his internet time before he goes to work, if I'm not at work. Otherwise he watches Luca while he plays, sometimes getting more work done in the garden or working on writing his songs, depending on how independent Luca is feeling. This is when I get home from work if I work in the morning.
 6:00pm Dinner, eating and clean up.
7:30pm Papaw comes home and Luca plays with him before bed.
8:00pm Bedtime.

10pm I get home from work around this time, Luca wakes to nurse.
12am or Ash gets home from work at this time, Luca wakes to nurse.
2am Luca wakes and asks to nurse, cries when I say no (sometimes for an hour).
6am Luca wakes and asks to nurse, cries when I say no.
 7:30am wakes up for a new day!

 So you can see, if one of us is at work during the day, or if Luca doesn't get a nap, or if we have any errands that take place outside of the house... nothing gets done. And by "nothing" I mean things on our to-do list (plant the potatoes, plaster exterior, stack urbanite, dig beds, etc). A lot of jobs on a farm or that take place outdoors are time sensitive, depend on good weather, or can only happen if we are physically well (I'm not building shelves after getting off work, for example). Put that together with the unpredictability of a child (maybe he only naps an hour today, maybe he has a fever and needs more attention), and you have projects that only take an hour or two taking 1-2 weeks to complete.

 So we came up with a plan- we would make Monday Ash's day to get stuff done, and Tuesday my day to get stuff done. Monday night would be Luca's first night away from mommy, and a chance for mom to get some much-needed sleep. Night weaning was going so slowly (we have been doing this since he turned 15 months, so 4 months) and we thought if it wasn't too much of an emotional strain for him, it would hurry along night weaning as well. Ash had his time and did a bunch of music stuff on Monday night.

 Unfortunately, I didn't sleep at all Monday night, what was supposed to be my first glorious night away from the baby, because I had food poisoning. I slept from 3am-5am only. So Ash continued to do his projects on Tuesday, while I laid in bed with the baby watching movies. So I didn't get to do any of my projects at all. And last night was only a little better... I slept from 9pm to 1am and was up sick the rest of the night. It was very nice to have my own bed to be sick in, though. I didn't have to worry about waking them up and I had plenty of room.

 Luckily Luca did very well without me. He woke twice but didn't cry at all, and daddy just had to pick him up once to get him back to sleep. This is a big load off my shoulders and I can't wait until I get better, so I can maybe sleep through the night for the first time in 2 years!!

Luca's first story

This morning, we went to the farm of a friend of ours (Bull City Farm), because a bunch of baby lambs were born recently. When we got home and ate lunch, I asked Luca if he remembered what animals we saw this morning.













"Uhhh...HEE HAW HEE HAW"

"That's right! We saw a donkey. What other animals did we see?"

".... BAA. BAAAAA."

"That's right, sheep!"

"Mama...baby...nursies...BAAA."

"Yes the lambs were having nursies, that's right!"

"Chicky! PEEP PEEP"

And that was about the closest thing to a story he has ever told us!! It was also the first time, unprompted, he recalled things from his memory to share with us.

He was also using more adjectives this week... saying "Tree. Big tree." And when he saw the full moon he said "Moon! Light...ball...moon!" He will also FINALLY answer questions directly, like if I ask him if he wants some food he shakes his head and says "YES" or "ALRIGHT!"

He has had a couple more poops and pees on the potty as well. It's really weird, going from ECing up until a year old... to doing practically traditional potty training.

Using Jay Gordon's method we are down to one night nursing. The method basically says "if your kid is over 12 months and in your bed, it's ok if they cry". It feels true to us.

One picture from a play date

Luca and Leo had a play date at Stay and Play and then we went to Leo's house.
I think this is the cutest picture we could have possibly gotten of them.

Samsara

So much good going on, lately.

Our house-building has been stalled because of bad weather (winter weather... in winter? Go figure!), but that hasn't stopped the building of our selves. Ash has reached particularly new heights as he becomes more dedicated to meditation. We both have been exploring new ways of manipulating our energy together, which has led to deep bonding with each other and healing within ourselves.

Today Ash said, "Can I brush your hair? I just want to pamper you."

Uuuuhhhhhh...... YES.

I feel cherished and every woman should feel this way. Every person has the right to be in a relationship free of addiction, selfishness, anger... but the bar is set so low. It is "normal" to argue. It is "normal" to be dissatisfied. No, no, no! It is normal to love and be loved, to support each other and to grow as individuals. It is normal to feel good together, not by idealizing or idolizing one another, but by being present and healing to one another.

It is a blessing to be a woman, and I didn't even know it until now. After reading "The Red Tent" and then reading "The Return of the King", I realized how much I had suffered growing up and only reading male stories, by men for men. I idolized war heros because western society doesn't recognize mothers. I became masculine in my spirit as I fantasized about journeys of the world. But the feminine journey is an internal one. I discovered that while giving birth... ecstatic, dynamic, loving, sensual, breathing, holding, teaching.... that is what it means to be a woman. Men don't have the luxury of their initiation being biologically forced on them, which is why so many cultures have intense initiation rites to turn boys into men. Mapping, climbing, steering, competing, cooperating, working, learning... this is what it means to be a man.

I finally got ahold of a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility"... and I am so appalled that I don't know all of this stuff already. I am so appalled that they don't teach this to everyone. Do you know how many unwanted pregnancies could be avoided with this information?? I'm leaning more and more toward getting this IUD out and using natural methods to avoid conception. I can't believe I don't even know how long my cycles are, let alone on which day I ovulate.

The more I heal, the more I become open to the idea of having more children.

I went through a lot of suffering that first year. I was so angry at everyone for lying to me, and for lying to themselves. All of those blog entries I had read... all those books... none of them had mentioned this suffering I was feeling. They were all full of lies... lies about the joys of motherhood. What joys? I felt no joy. I felt only suffering and thought I was doomed to a lifetime of misery. This was reality, to me. I hated my pregnant self for being happy and looking forward to the misery I didn't know awaited me.

Now Luca brings me so much joy every day. Now I feel the challenges along with the things that make it all "worth it". Now I accept that my life is harder. Now I feel the solid masculine energy of my partner alongside my dynamic feminine energy. I am the boat and he is the captain... and Luca is an adorable little dolphin that has decided to swim alongside us for a little while.

A mother's joys and sorrows

Two nights ago, Luca made it until 6am without nursing. I worked until midnight. He rolled over and cried at 4am, but fell asleep again. SUCCESS!!

We will just ignore all the crying he did last night and the night before. I think it has more to do with teething than anything. He is STILL getting in that 4th molar.

I'm re-reading "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant. I read it once when I was very young (sometime at the beginning of high school). But it's a completely different story to me now after having experienced pregnancy, birth, and being a mother.

This passage in particular stuck out to me (page 226 in my copy). The character has just given birth:

"There should be a song for women to sing at this moment, or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment. Like every mother since the first mother, I was overcome and bereft, exalted and ravaged. I had crossed over from girlhood. I beheld myself as an infant in my mother's arms, and caught a glimpse of my own death. I wept without knowing whether I rejoiced or mourned. My mothers and their mothers were with me as I held my baby."

Almost all of the mothers in this story had 4-12 pregnancies and lost at least 2 babies and had 2 miscarriages. As a modern woman miraculously exempt from this type of pain, I can only imagine that the sorrow is equal to a mother's joy in intensity.

Modern medicine is responsible for both sparing most women from that suffering, and the theft of joy that a glorious birth will bring. Few women now experience loss; at the same time, those women are disempowered, shamed into silence, and no one is left to comfort them.

I had a home birth because I knew that, as a healthy woman, my chances of experiencing heartbreak were far less than my chances of experiencing pure bliss. I knew that in a hospital, my chances of experiencing loss might be reduced, but my chances of having a triumphant, ecstatic birth were almost certainly zero. This is the comfort zone of our culture- reduce the risk of birth, even if it means eliminating all chance of empowerment. Ironically, they have ultimately failed to reduce risk, with higher infant and maternal mortality resulting from cesarean births than with births like mine.

When I think of all the disempowered women struggling to raise their infants with litte help, struggling to recover from the trauma of being ripped open, poked, prodded, harassed, belittled, degraded, shamed.... and doing it all while being told suck it up, you have a (overly expensive) roof over your head and (low quality) food to eat, why isn't that enough for you? I wonder if that's any better than loss? For thousands of years, our mothers felt loss and love together, both at full capacity, and not only survived but flourished without the self doubt, depression, and disempowerment that comes with the modern definition of "woman". Men also are loosing their empowerment, being raised to think they must take from women in every area... get a woman to take care of you, to give you sex when you ask, to give you devotion when you have none, to be your mother instead of your partner, to take the life or dignity of other men who threaten their manhood... insecurity abounds, enforced by our style of consumerism which profits by it.

I'm not saying that we should all throw away our birth control and squat in a forest when our time comes. I also realize it is easy for me to say all of these things having never experienced the loss of a child. I'm very grateful I have the luxury of choosing not to have any more kids and to explore other paths of fulfillment in life. I'm grateful for plastic and vaccines and that I know what pineapples taste like. But I mourn for the lost days of clarity in the face of death and suffering, knowing what it means to be a woman or a man, and to be connected to others in sharing love and loss; to really know and feel what it means to live and die, not as a life-long struggle for survival... but as your birthright to thrive.

I think I'd like to start a red tent. A safe place for women to gather and talk about anything, once a month. It's already being done all over the world... but I don't think locally. If anyone knows differently, let me know.

Enrichment

When I was pregnant, I did a lot of research into fun stuff to do at home with toddlers. Especially Montessori-inspired activities, that help small people do what big people are doing.

Well, after a very long time of waiting, Luca is old enough to start doing BIG BOY STUFF!! Here he is helping daddy make dinner.





Greg made Luca and Leo each a learning tower, which we are very excited about. Because Luca sure throws a fit if he can't see what's going on up on the counter, and we're sick of holding him!

Goodbye to Dr. Luby

I received news today that my professor from UNC and violin teacher for 3 months unexpectedly died.

I went to his house to have a lesson with him when I was a senior in high school. I was extremely nervous about playing for him, as I was extremely nervous about playing in general, and about being accepted to UNC. His house was very cool, like all professors' homes you get to see, filled with antiques and trinquets from world travel. I was relieved that he was so nice and that he acknowledged that I was nervous. No one had ever said it out loud, much less that it was ok to be nervous. I think most people were either blind to it because I was very good at hiding it, or because they chose to ignore it.

While studying with him, I improved a great deal technically but I also discovered strengths I didn't know I already had. I remember playing Etudes while he pushed me to sight read faster and faster. I was playing so quickly that I was doing it without thinking, which was a big deal for me since I tended to over-think and inhibit myself. I didn't even know I sight read that way until he got it out of me.

Toward the end of the semester, I was falling to pieces. I missed a lesson because I missed my bus. I was late because I overslept. But instead of being chewed out, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that my boyfriend had just gone back home to Charleston and that I wasn't enjoying school very much. He said "That must be hard"; a simple acknowledgement of my feelings that no one had given me before. Then he asked, "Are you going to leave school?" "Yes." "Well, I understand how hard it is to be away from someone you love. But I hope if you come back, that we get to work together again." And then we finished our last lesson together.

Dr. Luby was the only adult at that time in my life who acknowledged my feelings as valid, and expressed any understanding or support for the choice I had made to leave school. He was also the first teacher I had who made me believe that I was talented, not by telling me but by helping me to fulfill my own potential. So thank you, Dr. Luby, for sharing the gift of music with me as a teacher, and for being a real person at a time when I needed it.