Be who you are: a great person.

You are the sun, not the clouds.

 Every time I hear about a person that I think can't POSSIBLY have any good left anywhere inside them (you all know what I'm talking about.. the horror stories, the unthinkable, the things that keep you up at night)... I picture them as a small child. So small that sometimes they are babies. How can you be angry at a baby? My self-righteousness melts. We demonize these people not only because of what they do, but because we are afraid and don't understand- how did they get that way? They must not be human like us, right?

 Well, they got that way the same way you and I became the way we are. Some things we could help and some things we had no control over. And that scares us. It scares us to admit that this terrible person is as human as we are. So we shut them out, away from our compassion, because they don't deserve it; they aren't human like us. But in doing so we also shut down our own love for ourselves, the compassion for our own mistakes that we make every day. We can't love those parts of us- can we? If we do that, we might become like those monsters! Or is the opposite true? If we shut down compassion for anyone or anything, how can we be a good person? We try to justify having some walls up- after all, they don't DESERVE love! But soon we see the truth- that even the tiniest of obstructions to the natural flow of love affects how we feel.

 I try to let go of hate because it feels good to me. It feels right and genuine to feel love; it feels like very hard work to feel hate. Look! I am clenching my fists and panting and pacing. How much work it is!! I choose to give this person love even though they don't deserve it. Why? Not for them at first, but for me. Because if my heart is full of hate for what they have done... then I have let their suffering extend to me. The only resilience against hate is love. You cannot fight the hate in the world by filling it with more hate. You will exhaust yourself! But love is never ending- just ask a mother or a father. Love is easy. Hate is hard.

 When I picture the object of my anger as a small child, I am reminded that we all start out equally beautiful and innocent and good. And I am reminded that they are, just like I am, not tied to the person they are today. Just as they were made into the person they are, so am I being made. And I can unmake, or remake, or just be who I am. And that is my choice to make. It is your choice too.

 Which will we decide? The easy lie, or the difficult truth? The truth may hurt at first, but nothing hurts as bad as a lifetime of suffering, brought on by avoiding the truth. When you sit down with yourself and see who you really are, will you take the red pill or the blue pill? Will you make excuses for your bad behavior, or will you love yourself by admitting you were wrong?

 You are the sun, not the clouds.

Bloopers

The golden...years?

This is the one parenting expectation that came true for me, so far: everything really did get better the more he could talk. He's so cute. Everything he says is adorable. I can't understand half of what he says (daddy understands more than I do). He sang for the first time ... "On a farm... cow...mooo... yaaaay!!" "On a farm.... sheep... baaaa...yaay!!!" And one time he even threw in an "E I E I O!!"

He calls millipedes "Mama-pedes" and "Dada-pedes", and points out mamas and their babies everywhere we go.

Here's a comparison picture, this years Eno Festival and last year's:






We all look so much happier!

Toddler eating habits

It's a common issue parents love griping to each other about. "My kid barely eats anything!" "He won't touch a vegetable." "It takes him FOREVER to finish his meal."

 When I was pregnant I read a few studies on toddler nutrition, and learned that 1) over the course of a week, given the choice to eat what they want to eat, toddlers choose a balanced diet and 2) toddlers need to try a food up to 20 times before deciding if they like it or not.

 If your house isn't full of junk, then let your kid eat what they want. Junk is processed food that comes in packages. If it comes straight from an animal or straight from the ground (minimal processing is ok... fresh bread, dark chocolate, etc) then it's food: relax, mamas! I make sure to offer often, unless I leave food out for him in plain sight to ask for or to get for himself. He doesn't whine for goldfish instead of his sandwhich, because he knows we don't have any goldfish. Don't buy things you don't want your kids to whine for!

 Kids don't like vegetables because they don't have much to offer a toddler. Not much fat or protein which they need to grow, and not much carbs which they need for all that brain and body activity. SCREW BROCCOLI, give them BUTTER! They can get fiber from things that also give them energy, like whole grains or raisins.

 Yesterday Luca would only eat fatty foods... eggs, bacon, salmon, cheese. The day before that he ate nothing but bread and fruit. The day before that, he ate nothing but jerky and cashews and chocolate chips and he acted like salmon and bacon were the worst foods in the world! He used to eat beans every day but now he won't touch them. I'm sure he will like them again later, so I will keep gently offering him all kind of things without judging what he "likes" and "dislikes".

 I will never force my child to finish the food on his plate, as that teaches kids how to force-feed themselves instead of stopping when they're full. I will never force him to eat a certain kind of food over another, as that would cause him to loose his awareness of his own unique daily needs. If he's eating too many cookies, it's because I'm buying too many cookies. I would never bring something into my home that was dangerous or unhealthy for him to eat large amounts of, or that would turn into a battle or a bargaining tool.

And speaking of which, I will never use food as a reward or punishment. Food is nourishment, an enjoyable family and personal activity, and a sacred ritual of self-care.

 I can't tell you how many parents come into the restaurant I work at and give their kids SWEET TEA. Or say things like "no dessert until you finish your chocolate chip pancake". Then again, these things mirror their own eating habits. If you want your kids to eat well, SHOW THEM HOW. That's the only way they can learn.

 He still nurses many times per day... a 2 year old can get a good 20-40% of important nutrients if they feed just a few times per day, because the milk is so nutritionally dense by that time. I DESPISE nursing because of D-MER, but I continue to do it for him. Not many moms have that option, so I'm not going to abuse the privilege by giving up yet.

 He has always been super thin but I've refused to know his percentile. The last time I accidentally saw it, it was 10-15%. I have heard so many parents panic about a number like that... but until he is off the chart, the number doesn't matter. He's within the range of normal and his personal curve is upward. He acts energetic.

 And he's learning new things every day with ease... he knows all the primary and secondary colors, he can count to 2 (well, he can count to 10 but he only understands the concept of "1" and "2"), and he understands that bees make honey, chickens make eggs, and mommy and daddy made Luca :) Grow vegetables also make a seamless connection from world to dinner plate.... though he still won't eat anything leafy :) That's just fine with me.

Mother's Day

I love being this little boy's mommy.

Festival of Legends

Today we went to Chapel Hill together, just me and Luca, for the 2nd annual Festival of Legends.
It was so much fun, and nearly every person was in costume. Steampunk, pirates, faeries, renaissance, medieval, sci-fi/fantasy, full body leather armor... you name it, there was a group of folks in costume for it. And the goods!! The art, the costumes... a lot of it surprisingly affordable. I got a cloak with a hood for $60 , a mini cape (more awesome than a cardigan for evening wear, and only $15), a waist-cincher for only $10, and a wooden sword and shield for Luca (for only $15)...


 I have a rule about non-essential purchases. Put it on a list for at least a month, and if you still want it, start searching for the best deal. The items I bought today were all on my list for several months if not years.




3/4 length cape with hood (it's navy with green accents)


waist corset and mini cape (black with red accents)

 I only had one impulse buy... a leather necklace from Ribbons and Rivets. One of the artists was an old co-worker of mine, from back when I was a sophomore  in college. I was just so impressed and inspired by the fact that she was making a living doing what she loved, and doing it so well... I had to buy something to show my support. And now I have a beautiful necklace!




Here are some pics from the festival:



This man gave Luca a "gold" coin!

Belly dancing with fire.


Eating a sandwich in the mini cape.


Vaudeville performers.


King Arthur and the Black Knight... the jousting wasn't faked or anything!


The singing Sphinx.


Elf?


Teaching kids how to sword fight.


Is that a walking mushroom?


It's Luca!


Of course, the one shot with me in it, and my baby's head is covering up my elaborate eye makeup.


Luca and one of the Nickel Shakespeare Girls taking refuge from the rain.

eat, sleep, breathe, repeat

Apparently, Luca can count. One day he just started counting out loud and didn't stop until he got to 8. Our jaw just dropped to the floor.

He likes to say "nnnnnnnnnoooooooo" while raising his eyebrows and looking at you like "yeah right".

He also says "Nice." Like "Hey Luca I made you a sandwich" "OH! Nice."





He is very sweet and loves to give people hugs and kisses. He and his friend Leo actually played TOGETHER for the first time, chasing each other around and saying baby words to each other.

We went to the playground this morning, and he sat on my lap the whole time! This is not uncommon for him (though he is much more adventurous with daddy around). It's fine with me, since I'd rather be resting then chasing him all over the place. I hung out with some really great mamas.

I have been sleeping in my own room on the nights when I work evenings. Go figure, Luca actually sleeps better without me around. He is also sort of night weaned. As he nurses to sleep at night, I tell him "Remember, you get nursies in the morning when the sun comes up. Night time is for sleeping. If you wake up, we do cuddles and go night night. Then you get nursies when the sun comes up." And I stick to that. I say "night night, cuddle with mommy" when he wakes up, and I ignore him otherwise. He usually falls asleep on my arm or chest, and then I just remove him so I can sleep more comfortably.





We bought a futon!! This couch has such great vibes... we bought it from an artist, who bought it from a couple who traveled with it around the world. We only paid $75 for it, and the mattress is super fluffy and the frame is real sturdy and all wood. The pin that keeps the frame in the groove is coming out on one side, but some wood glue will fix that.

We did our taxes and were shocked to find out we will be getting back $5,000. This puts our tax rate at -23% (yes, negative). This is going to be a big help... we can now afford to buy our own used car. The car is the last big thing we depend on my parents for. If we sell Ash's guitar, we might also be able to afford solar panels for the house! It isn't so bad being poor if you're married and you have a kid. But it took this tax break, the food stamps, and my parents' help to make it through life bellow the poverty line. We were down to our last $20 at one point this year.

Ash and I got a lawyer to write our wills this week. We wanted the peace of mind that Luca would be raised by who we want him to be raised by, should we "perish in a common disaster" (as the will says). We also got livings wills saying we don't want our life prolonged if we have a terminal illness or are in a vegetative state. I also put on there that I want my organs all donated.

We have been reading a lot of Osho lately. This is causing some major shifts in our personal philosophies and it feels so good, but also a little scary... it feels good to grow, it only hurts when you resist. Fear hurts more than anything. As Osho says, a tree does not hurt as it grows... only humans have figured out how to be neurotic enough to make it painful!