(This is long and it doesn't spare any details, so read at your own risk. But it was a great birth so I encourage you to read it!)
For those who don't know...
Alyssa = sister
Quinten = brother
Jonathon = brother
Taz = German Shepard
Emmy and Calzini = cats
Ash = husband
Deb = midwife
Jane- midwife
Sam = assistant midwife
I don't have very many pictures. The birth caught us by surprise and it moved quickly. Let that be a lesson to you all! Prepare for that ahead of time.
August 7th-
We went grocery shopping and I ate a morning glory muffin and a big bottle of cranberry kombucha. We also stopped by our friend Keith and Kate's house thinking that we were going to have plenty of time to house sit for them in the coming weeks (I was only 37.5 weeks at this point!).
That night and the two nights before, Taz insisted on sleeping at the foot our our bed and Calzini came into our room every night. Emmy, as usual, was paying close attention to both of us. I thought it was weird that the other pets were being so attentive to me so "early", but I shrugged it off. We stayed up until about 1am talking and relaxing together.
August 8th-
5am- I woke up with tummy cramps and funny dreams. I got up to pee with the same uncomfortable pressure in my midsection I had been having for the past 3 or 4 nights (I hadn't been sleeping well due to a lot of pressure on my liver). I got back into bed onto my left side and started to fall asleep again, when WOOSH! Out came a whole bunch of warm water. I said "Uh, honey! I think my water just broke!" and Ash said "Oh, really? Are you sure?" And then he felt the bed and said "Oh yeah, definitely! I guess we should call Deb." "Oh, should we?" "Well… there is fluid coming out of you!" I got up and went to the toilet and much more water came out of me, along with a little mucus. Ash called Deb but she didn't pick up (she had left her cell phone in New York and was using an alternate number that we didn't have). We called Jane instead and she picked up and told us to make sure the fluid was clear. She told us everything sounded fine and that the baby would probably be here within 24 hours (that's when I heard Ash on the phone in the next room go "Woah, really?!?"). She gave us Deb's alternate number and we called her and told her the same info. She told us to call her the second the baby moved, and to tell us if we stopped feeling him move.
Ash opened the bedroom door and all of the pets were outside the door. They knew exactly what was going on. He grabbed our birth plan off of the dresser and gave it to Quinten (who was awake for some reason) and told him that my water broke (he seemed pretty shocked and confused as to what that meant exactly, but very excited). Ash knocked on Jonathon's door as well but he fell immediately back asleep (later he said he thought it was a dream).
We knew from our childbirth class that we should continue as normal with our day so we went back to bed. We were both in a lot of shock that the baby could be coming so soon. I was having mild contractions and shaking all over. I put on my Hypnobabies Fear Clearing track. I felt a little nauseous so I began sucking on ginger candies one after another. I then listened to the Deepening track and fell back asleep (sort of) after I stopped shaking (maybe from fear, maybe from the labor starting). It was such a relief to have the water break; I didn't feel any extra pressure on my cervix, but there was no pressure on my liver anymore!! The contractions were pretty close together (5 minutes apart, 2.5 minutes long). I felt them in my lower belly and thighs. We timed them with the app on Ash's iPhone until they got farther apart. I started to go into a sort of trance and time was flying by…
6:30am- He moved- we called Deb. She said she would check on us in a few hours. I listened to my Birthing Day Affirmations track (saying to myself in my head "even though it's probably not my birthing time"). Saying each one out loud really helped calm me down so I could rest. The CD continued through to the Pregnancy Affirmations. I fell asleep listening to music by Rosebud, which was a part of my labor mix tape I made for myself.
10:30am- We got out of bed later and I told Ash that I was starving. He went downstairs to make us food (oatmeal and yogurt) and to tell my parents that my water had broke. I think I remember checking my email, sending an email to our friend Keith saying we couldn't house sit, and sending an mail to Alyssa to let her know to start driving from Asheville. I also wrote down a couple of things I needed from the grocery store so I could send everyone out of the house for a little bit. The contractions had really slowed while I rested (every 15 minutes, at 1 minute long).
12pm- Ash put on some Louis Armstrong for me while he ran around getting things ready for the birth. I went downstairs to start walking around to kickstart labor again.. and I was really hungry once again. In the next four hours, I ate a peanut butter honey sandwich, a peach, some grapes, crackers with cream cheese, a bean and cheese burrito, and a chicken sausage. My body knew what was about to happen!
3pm- Deb came over to check on me. My contractions were now 10 minutes apart and 1 minute long. Based on my contractions and on the line on my backside, she estimated I was 3-4 centimeters and progressing well (I had requested no internal checks). Contractions were really easy to handle at this point with my eyes closed. I was making some soft sounds. It felt like a lot of pressure on my cervix and I often found myself leaning back, belly lifting, or doing other things to make the pressure greater and encourage each contraction to be longer and stronger. I could hear a voice inside taunting them ("That's all you got? That was nothing. More more more!"). Deb said to call her later in the evening when things would probably pick up. She said to rest or sleep if the evening came and went and things weren't getting more serious, since I could always wake up in the morning and push him out then. We asked how we would know when to call and she said "Oh… you'll know!"
5pm- My sister arrived from Asheville. My sister, my mom, Ash and I took my birthing ball outside where it felt lovely to just bounce on the front lawn (leaning backwards while Ash supported me with his arms) during contractions. I looked up at Ash at one point and said "Honey, you're all golden!" (my friend Robin said be sure to notice if you can see people's auras like in the Ina May books!). Gold was definitely the color I would give to describe my labor. Everything shimmered with a golden glow.
We came inside because it was a bit warm (90 something) but there were too many distractions in the kitchen and I became annoyed because there seemed to be more and more people around (Jonathon wasn't leaving to go to Raleigh for the night after all, and Quinten had invited a friend over instead of leaving as well). We went upstairs to the bedroom and things started to pick up. We put on the track Easy First Stage on repeat.
7pm- things started to really pickup once I was alone in the bedroom. Contractions went from 10 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart in those next two hours. This is the part where my memory is fuzzy. Some real magic started happening. I first sat on the birth ball and hung from the handles of my dresser drawer for support, leaning on pillows sitting in an open drawer in between pressure wave Then I laid on the bed with Ash, and I put a hot bag of rice on my tummy. Whatever noise I made, Ash made it with me (this helped a lot for some reason). Then I moved to the toilet, holding myself up during pressure waves by using my arms on the seat in between my legs. I rocked back and forth saying "OOOOPEEEEN" over and over with Ash (at this point I would open my eyes and sort of drunkenly smile at my mom, sister and Ash in-between waves. I also remember kissing my husband). Alyssa joined in the chants of "open" and the energy of the situation escalated quickly as if we were in some kind of movie seance. I started to have the urge to bear down with each wave. Deb was right… Ash knew it was time to call her.
I moved onto the bed and my sounds got louder and louder. The energy was getting so intense that I wasn't staying calm in between contractions anymore, and my sounds were getting to be loud and high pitched. My husband got a little worried about me since things were escalating so quickly and I wasn't able to keep up with the intensity. He had stopped making noise with me at this point, to try and calm the vibe down a little bit. The assistant showed up and started trying to help with the birth pool, and made sure all the supplies were there that she needed. I think at this point the consensus was that the birth pool wasn't going to happen (not that I cared, I couldn't imagine getting out of the bed at this point). At least inflating the pool gave the other men in the house a project to do downstairs, and the air pump created a lot of white noise in the house that wasn't unpleasant. I remember the assistant looking at me when she arrived and she said "you're doing awesome!" and I was thinking "NO I'M NOT!"
10pm- When Deb got there she said "you are making some fabulous sounds!" and she reminded me to keep my sounds low. It sounded impossible but I tried it anyways… it did help me stay calm and I regained enough composure to feel more calm between contractions. I asked when I would reach transition and she said "Uh just a hunch… but I think you're already there right now!" My noises were completely involuntary at this point, they started low and ended somewhere a little higher, but every time I used every ounce of breath and volume that I had because it felt amazing to do so. Deb asked if I wanted to try hands and knees since I had been on my back for some time. I flipped over and leaned on a big stack of pillows, holding my husband's hand and wailing with each wave. My eyes were closed most of the time.
In between contractions I started whimpering, and it was at this point that my experience became extremely dual: there was Ego Me, and then there was the Birthing Me that took over during each wave. I would call her Birthing Woman. Birthing Woman knew exactly how to move and what sounds to make. She knew to laugh and to smile. She wasn't scared at all. But Ego was trembling in between each wave, was whimpering, and was looking at Ash for reassurance. Ego was asking questions quietly like "Is he coming? Is he really coming?" My mom or my sister were rubbing my back, and I think I remember my mom pulling my sweaty hair out of my face. I also vaguely remember them telling me I was doing awesome, and it really reassured Ego that everyone around me was so positive. Birthing Woman had no idea where we were or who was in the room at all.
Deb said "G, are you resisting these a little bit?" and Ego answered "I have no idea. Maybe." and Deb said "Yeah, I think you are. Really bear down with this next one." Birthing Woman said in my head "Duh, that's what I've been trying to do!" And I REALLY pushed with the next one. It was so easy to get him down into the birthing canal with these few pushes, but it took a lot of my strength and I collapsed onto my side, no longer able to stay on all fours. Birthing Woman wanted my legs as far apart as possible. Ego almost fell asleep at this point. I was so tired. I actually remember things going black and me having to shake myself back awake. I remember thinking "Can't we just go to sleep now?" and Birthing Woman said "That's ridiculous!" so I pushed as hard as I could with each contraction. I smiled a few times because the Hypnobabies track was still on in the background, and every once in a while it would remind you to smile in between each wave. Everyone would chuckle when I did this.
11pm- With every wave, Ego thought I had used all my strength and that my voice would give out. But Birthing Woman said "No way, we're almost there!" I didn't believe her so I asked Deb "When do I push the baby out?" and she said "You ARE pushing the baby out!" and Ego was shocked we were already at that part. I asked the assistant to skip to the next track on the CD called Pushing Baby Out. They started encouraging me to push harder with every wave. I don't think I was pushing very effectively for a while because Deb first asked me to lay on my left side, and then asked me if I wanted her to show me where to push. She said she could put her fingers inside me during the next wave so I could feel where to bear down. I said ok, and even though the feeling of her fingers shocked me at first, I soon realized exactly how far down to push (I didn't even know my PC muscles existed down that low). Deb continued to use her fingers to guide every wave, and it became very reassuring for me and things moved more quickly. They had been checking his heart rate on the doppler with about every other wave (or less?) and it stayed perfectly steady the whole time.
Deb told me to hold my legs back with each wave because I was wasting a lot of energy writhing them and flexing them with each push, and Ego shouted "NO I can't do that!" My mom grabbed my right leg and my husband grabbed my left leg and they pulled them back for me. Alyssa had a cold rag on my face and neck in between each wave, which felt amazing. Pretty soon, Deb looked at me and said "I can see his head!" and by the next push everyone else could see it too. Alyssa shouted "He's a brunette!" I could hear the hypnosis CD in the background saying I could push between pressure waves if I wanted to, but I did not want to! I did bear down a bit in between because I could feel that it kept the baby from sliding back each time. At one point, Ash reached down and touched his little head while it was still inside me, and at some point after that, I did too and it made me smile. I was so happy that even though I was working my butt off, it seemed so easy and natural for a baby to fit down and out. It surprised me how little his head felt and how capable my body felt of stretching for him, especially with Deb's fingers in there to stretch me and guide him out. Birthing Woman started to get annoyed that the baby wasn't out yet, but now that Ego was on her side, it only took a few more pushes before Deb said "it's only a matter of minutes now!" I couldn't believe that it was almost over already. Time seemed to fly by, but I had no idea what time it was and that I had been pushing for an hour and a half! My mom and sister were getting quite excited during each contraction because they could see he was seconds away from coming out. Their verbal encouragement really helped. Ash was staying so clam and positive at my side, and every time he looked at me and said I was doing great, I believed him. With every push I turned and asked him "Is he really coming?" and he said "Yes, I promise! I can see him."
August 9th-
12:30am- I felt a slight burning and I knew that meant his head would come out with one more push. I bore down with all my might and I could feel his facial features on the skin of my labia. My mom and sister immediately started crying and my mom said "One more push and the baby will be out!" I felt Deb reach down and pull the cord off from around his neck and then I pushed out his body with little effort. I felt an intense rush of relief and the whole room looked golden and shimmering as I looked down at my son for the first time. Deb said "Reach down and grab your baby!" and Ego stammered "I don't think I can" but at the same time Birthing Woman reached down without hesitation and brought him to my chest. He gave a very soft, single cry and I heard my mom say "He's nice and pink!" He opened his eyes and looked right at me for a good while. I stroked his head and body until he stopped crying. They laid blankets over both of us and I looked at Ash, wordless, and we both stared at him in amazement. Neither of us had the energy to cry at this point, but that was ok because my mom and sister were doing plenty of that for the both of us.
Deb said the cord had already stopped pulsing and that she wanted to cut it. It was a bit short and was pulling at my placenta which was still inside me. Ash cut the cord, and my mom said "There, now he is his own entity!" and then Deb asked me to push out the placenta. I couldn't imagine pushing any more, but it was such a wonderful relief to have that thing finally out of me. I started looking forward to the sleep I hoped I would get, but soon all memory of sleep faded as I rode that hormone high.
People were cleaning up around us when Sam weighed him (I guessed his weight exactly, 7lbs 4oz… that was Birthing Woman's last appearance). They put a little hat on his head and then they asked me to get up so they could change the sheets for us to sleep. Deb said my bladder was full and I should try to pee, but I said "I can't remember how to pee. I can't pee!" Ash got up to pee himself and to wash his hands. I can't remember how my mom changed the sheets because I certainly couldn't move my own legs and they had to be lifted for me to merely sit at the edge of the bed. I think I held the baby the whole time, but I can't remember. I remember Ash kept saying how cute he was. I remember being very confused about how we were going to sleep, and my mom assured me that we wouldn't need a guard rail for a while because our bed was huge and he couldn't roll out of it. So I laid in-between Ash and the baby. Deb told me what to watch for in myself and in the baby and to call her if any of those signs appeared. I remember her saying that he needed to latch onto my breast within the first 24 hours, because he hadn't done so yet. I know Ash slept that night because I remember watching him and the baby sleeping… but I didn't sleep a wink. I was watching him breathe the whole time.
We practiced breast feeding for the first time the next morning about 7 hours post birth, which is a really long time to wait. He had such a super receding chin that it took him all day before he got one good latch. When Deb came over the next morning, she showed us Football Hold and he had an easier time with that. The LLL breastfeeding book has been invaluable; even though I read it cover to cover twice while pregnant we still refer to it every day to make sure he is on track. I basically nurse him whenever he is awake, which is basically every hour or more often. When he isn't sleeping he is lying next to me or on me, both of us naked. He is always sucking all the time, even if he isn't actually drinking, which is why my milk came in early and in huge supply (he was "putting in the order" as the LLL book says). Now that my milk is in, he has had a few good healthy sized breast milk poops (the second day he had like FIVE meconium poops, then nothing the third day except a little green foam, and then his first real poop late that night). My breasts are VERY swollen and tender and my nipples are tender too… but it's worth it to see his little face so happy all the time. Seriously, this kid has zero reasons to cry because someone is always cuddling him or feeding him. He's so quiet. Most of the time we stare at him and talk about how cute he is. We have also been cuing him whenever he poops and pees, in preparation for ECing. We're looking for his own cues but they're a bit hard to see right now. He does make little noises before pooping, but he poops randomly when breastfeeding (not sure how we are going to catch those!). I weighed myself this morning… I think I was about 160 before giving birth, and now I am 151.
I remembered an image I saw in the Birthing From Within book of a woman "roaring the baby out" (a pregnant woman's body on her hands and knees, with a lion's roaring head). I thought it described birth for me exactly:
My voice was hoarse for a day from all that roaring! Ash said he has never heard such powerful sounds coming out of a human. I couldn't really move my arms and legs for a good day or two because I had ripped up all the muscles in them while pushing. But I didn't have any tearing of the perineum. Other than normal tenderness (and a laceration to one of my inner labia), my own recovery has been ideal.
Everyone keeps telling me how great my birth was, and my mom said she was totally sold on Hypnobabies. This made me feel good, since my birth certainly wasn't 100% pain-free (I'd say 85% pain-free) or super calm like the ideal Hypnobabies births in the videos. But it was certainly a great birth with zero complications and lots of positivity. I was not consciously using the hypnosis tools the entire time. I would be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind at some point "I am NEVER doing this again!", but I'd also be lying if I told you that I actually believed that! If that mindset of "relax and allow your birth to happen" hadn't been automatically programmed into my head by Hypnobabies, I think I would have stalled my labor for a long time with all of my fear.
The fear and intensity that my Ego experienced was paralyzing, and it would have inhibited me from letting go so Birthing Woman could do her thing. If I hadn't had a natural birth, I know that the drugs would have also completely silenced Birthing Woman. There is no way I could have been that spiritually engaged if I hadn't been feeling every ounce of the physical intensity. I think a numbed birth would be way more terrifying than a natural one, because you're stuck there all alone with your Ego! To be alone with all that fear… no wonder birth trauma is so common in our culture. No wonder everyone talks about it like it's torture. With a natural birth, I could feel the power of the entire universe inside of me. It was worth every second of discomfort to travel to the edges of my universe and back again (and I discovered there is no edge... ha!). I have a respect for myself now that is beyond pride, beyond Ego, and beyond joy… it is as deep as time and space itself. I have experienced something far, far bigger than myself but all within myself at the same time. It's indescribable.
