Happy Birthday, Luca!!

Yesterday, August 9th 2012, was Luca's first birthday. He had the same cake that my mom made for all of us when we turned one... from the LLL cookbook. It's mostly carrots, pineapple and honey! He ate a whole piece.



Before kids, most people have had hard days, where they were ill yet had to go to work anyways, or they didn't get enough sleep; it's easy to think "I know what hardship is, I know a baby will make life harder. That's the price you pay for all that joy, right?  I'll manage." But somehow it didn't occur to me that every day was going to be hard. I don't know why. Overly hopeful optimism as some sort of poorly evolved coping mechanism?

 What didn't happen, after I had Luca, was truly accepting that life is now harder. I always thought in the back of my mind that parenthood wouldn't be hard for me, because 1) my marriage was invincible 2) my parenting would be better than everyone else's 3) my baby would have a personality like my own or my husband's. None of these things turned out to be true. I do have a strong marriage, and we work hard (with less energy and less time than we had before) to keep it that way, but that didn't mean it was invincible. I think I am a great parent, but I'm not the parent I thought I would be, and I don't think my parenting choices are better than anyone else's. My baby does NOT have either of our personalities- he is entirely his own person. He's a very demanding, sensitive, and exhausting person. But he's also sweet, silly, and inquisitive.  

I always thought that I would love breastfeeding. My mother and all women I knew talked about it only with positivity. But it really has not been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. It hurt like hell for the first 3-4 months. I spent a lot of time during those early months crying while watching my husband get to sleep, next to me. I have D-MER, which causes me to have a dopamine crash with every milk let down (I feel anxious, sad, and angry whenever I nurse). He bites. Food proteins leaking into my breast milk forced me onto a very restricted elimination diet for several weeks, and he continued to have blood in his stool several times a week for still-unexplained reasons. Because he screamed in the car, we hardly ever left the house until he was about 8 months old.

The biggest adjustment was allowing sleep deprivation to become the new norm. I'm still getting used to this. I'm still a little resentful that I don't have an easy baby, who would sleep at night or nap consistently during the day. Everything is so hard when you're tired. It's so easy to loose sight of anything good in life when you're so, so tired.  I really don't think it would be safe for me to operate a car without caffeine. I certainly can't function at work without it. 

I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom and that I would love it. Turns out, being home all the time is a recipe for ultimate insanity for me… and I couldn't afford it anyways, Even with government medicaid and the support of my family.  Contrary to what I had imagined, I actually enjoy having some time away from Luca during the week. I really do think it allows me to be a better mother.

The one thing I don't miss is "free time". There is nothing that resembles free time in my life anymore, and I don't really care. I feel like nothing I do is a waste of time, which feels good. If I pick a book to read, it's one that is really worth my time and energy (and along those lines, I don't play computer games anymore because they are a complete waste of time and energy). Any moments we have away from the baby are used to try and frantically complete a few things on our to-do list, and it's suddenly fun do do things like call the dentist (without being interrupted). It's nice to appreciate life for what it is, rather than wish I had more time to waste doing "fun" things. 

Having a child is a sort of ego death- you flail around for a while, trying desperately to hang on to who you used to be and who you are used to being. That flailing is more painful than anything you are actually going through in reality. But pretty soon, you learn to be groundless again and the second you do, you get your footing back. Your new role as a part-time martyr isn't that bad.

I've learned that love is an ever-flowing undercurrent, that you can always access, if you relax and allow yourself to stop resisting. I still don't know if I will remember this first year of Luca's life fondly (or if I will ever find the bravery and selflessness to have another child), but I know that as a person I have changed for the better… and I have no regrets anymore. 

Now that he is 1 year old, I feel like Luca is an extension of myself, and a natural, normal part of my life… and I can't imagine my life without him. 

Happy first birthday, Luca!! 

Almost 12 months!

We had a great day yesterday. We went to the art museum in Raleigh... Luca loved it! He rode in the Ergo and pointed at everything, wanting us to explain everything happening in every painting.


 Then we went to Pullen Park, for the first time.

 

 We bought a wood burning stove for our house, from a person who had a craigslist ad up. Only $120!

 Then we ate indian food... I found the place with a quick google and a brief overview of reviews. It was great, and turned out to have "Indy Best of the Triangle" stickers in the window. Luca sat in his high chair and ate some off of his own plate, and was so quiet. He didn't cry in the car, either.

 This is Luca getting stuck in his potty chair. He kept doing this, over and over. And then throwing a tantrum. He's such a toddler now.
 

Pics and Videos

Luca and Leo get a bath:


Eno Festival 2012:

In July, far far I fly

Yesterday, Luca spent the day with Mamaw while I was working from 11am-4:30pm, because Ash had his first physical in 10 years (clean bill of health! Though we still have the blood work to go...). Apparently, he was content the whole time! They gave him a bath. He ate blueberries, bananas, and tons of roasted red pepper hummus. He slept from 1:10pm-3:30pm, his longest nap ever!! I had pumped both breasts twice the day before (and only got 2.5 ounces of milk) so he had that too. He was not clingy or anything when I got home, he just wanted to nurse a whole bunch.

Then I drove him downtown to get Ash from work and he fell asleep in the car. He slept through the first ten minutes of "Moonrise Kingdom", woke up and pointed at stuff on the screen and made appropriate noises (dog barking, car vrooming, etc) and gave me these smiles that were like "wow mommy, is this magic?" (he is not allowed to watch screens normally) Then he fell back asleep for the rest of the movie. We went home at 11:30pm and though he did wake up, there was no meltdown and he went back to sleep until he woke me a couple hours later to nurse. Could have been a stressful day (and it would have been 2 months ago), but it wasn't!

Today I got home from work to find the toilet brush in the toilet. And it wasn't daddy who put it there! I guess I'm lucky that's ALL I found in the toilet.

Quick Updates

Copying my facebook status updates because I'm lazy:

 "Luca took a couples steps yesterday without holding on to anything. He also fed himself from a bowl with a spoon, said "mama", and drank from a cup without a lid (with hilarious yet surprisingly successful results)! My baby is turning into a toddler."

"AND we got an early birthday present this morning (Museum of Life and Science membership) which I can't wait to enjoy on this over 100 day!! Luca will be 11 months old next week, and he will be going with me to the Eno Festival for the first time, and I will be turning 24. I had pie for breakfast yesterday. LOOK AT THIS BIG LIST OF GOOD THINGS!!"

" He started pointing. He signs "nursies" and "more"."

When he signs "more" he doesn't pinch his fingers together yet. He just hits his hands together twice (for "more" bites, but also when the plate is empty he will sign "more"!). And when he points, he makes these little grunts... like unspecific "oh, that" noises. 

I feel like my herbs aren't working as well lately. I feel more tired. I really wish I had gotten some video of my labor and birth. Or at least more pictures. I may not have any other children and I'd like to remember that day! I also feel really conflicted about the more-children-dilema. I feel like there are REALLY important things one can only learn about life by having siblings. There are ways your heart is opened up by having brothers and/or sisters. But I don't know if I could live through it again... I don't know if my mental health will ever recover from this to the point where I would be confident enough to take the risk of having a hard baby again. And now that Luca's getting older and we can start thinking about doing our favorite things again (like travel, reading, playing shows, ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES TWO HANDS)... I don't want to go back to that baby stage ever again. 

Luca has a fever of 102.9 (or last I measured, before giving him ibuprofen). No other symptoms, just started getting warm Thursday around noon and has been warm since then. I have to work at 8am tomorrow, so I can't hold my poor sick baby all day :(

After working at the home day care... I'm not sure that's what I want to do after all. But that's ok, that's why I wanted to try it! I keep thinking about a job somewhere like the Museum of Life and Science... but I have also been mildly interested in maybe being a counselor/therapist/social worker of some sort. This is mostly inspired by reading "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall C. Rosenburg. I can't think of any work that could possibly be more important than that. But I am definitely called more and more to the working-outside-of-the-home thing, and Ash is really settling into the stay-at-home parent thing (not right now, obviously, right now we are working about the same number of hours each week). 

My camera is broken so I'm not taking as many pictures lately :( We are going to the Eno Festival on Sunday!! I can't wait to take Luca. I hope he feels better (he seems to be getting better... he had skipped all meals and just nursed until tonight, when he ate his weight in shepherd's pie). I'm missing the "Fever Year" screening downtown outside because I'm home with the sick baby. 

10 months

Luca came out of the bedroom after his nap today, when I got home from work... and he practically told me a story. He made little sounds that had different inflections and intonation, he hit his hands together, he touched his head, he looked in different directions.... oh my gosh, it was the cutest thing ever.

He also played lots of peek-a-boo with me. He actually cried when I folded up the blanket, because he wanted to play more! He takes every toy and hides his face with it, or tries to put it on his head.

I started eating dairy and soy again, last Monday. So far so good- no blood. Oh boy does it feel good to eat butter. I feel COMPLETE again, with butter. That glorious bit of fat makes all food feel like it lasts longer.

Finally found some things Luca does NOT like to eat: eggs and tomato. He spit out both yesterday. I'm not sure why he likes beans so much! They pass through undigested, still. We tried one nursing break instead of two for one shift. My boobs almost exploded, but Luca was fine.

Here he is eating black beans at Elmo's:


Here he is walking (with assistance from the red car):

A great couple of days

Saturday marked the third day in a row that I had worked, and the first two days I had worked both morning and night. Luca's 6th tooth came in on that third day, and that, in combination with not seeing me very much for three days, really got to him. He was crying a lot that day. Daddy was exhausted. After I got off work at 330, we relaxed and ate a bunch of food. Luca at tons of Shepard pie! Luca fell asleep at 5:30 and woke up at 6pm. We got in the car and drove to Southern Village for a movie on the lawn. He didn't cry the whole way there (35 minutes?). When we got there it was about 6:45 and the movie didn't start until sundown (after 9pm?), so we hung out on the lawn and listened to a mediocre band play. We walked to Weaver street and got some indian food, which he ate while standing up on our blanket. He has never stood up so long by himself!! He made friends with neighboring babies. Then we walked around, ate some frozen yogurt (mom got sorbet, baby had fresh raspberries), bought our movie tickets ($4 each), hung out on the blanket, etc... he had a great time. The movie (Hunger Games) started at about 9:45. He was feeling a little crazy. He was making loud baby noises at the sky, at people, at the movie screen. At one point he just laid down on the blanket and yelled at the stars. Then Ash took him on a walk in the carrier and he fell asleep. He slept on the blanket THE ENTIRE MOVIE. And then we put him in the car, and he slept THE ENTIRE WAY HOME. Today was our day off, so we went to my parent's house and chilled and watered the vegetables. We shot a bow and arrow for a little while. Then the baby napped for OVER TWO HOURS and I napped along with him. I couldn't believe it. He turned 10 months old yesterday. I'm so excited about him growing up!! He has only woken up once or twice at night, several times in the past two weeks. Everything is finally starting to get a little easier.