The more I come out of this fog, the more I realized what a dense, dark fog I was swallowed by in the first place.
These past 6 months have been rough. Not because of what was happening so much as how I was experiencing it. The shock of becoming a parent, the stress of having a colicky baby, the constant sleep deprivation... moms really are the warriors of the world. No matter how they end up dealing with these issues, we're all pretty amazing for getting through it at all!!
And now he's older and it's such a joy to be with him every day. He smiles all the time. He explores his surroundings (sitting up by himself!!). He charms strangers. It's repetitive, it's exhausting, but I'm finally, finally understanding what all those moms mean when they say "it's worth it."
I had acupuncture yesterday, and it reduced my stress and reved my appetite. I went to Whole Foods and got the biggest plate of food I could eat. I am continuing to eat as much food as I can, and stop worrying so much about Luca's sensitivities (I'm still eliminating the foods I was before, but I'm not looking for new ones anymore until we get him an allergy test). I realized, I can't be a good mom if I'm starving myself. Being hungry makes you grumpy all the time no matter what is happening. I baked myself a loaf of pumpkin bread and a double batch of honey vanilla cookies. The acupuncturist told me to eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted, otherwise my stress will consume me. So, I wanted cookies.... AND NOW I GOT THEM. I feel so much better after eating pumpkin bread all day today. It really makes a difference to have ready-made food, when you're trying to eat more. Especially delicious, ready-made food.
Now I just have to figure out how to make some money. I only have one violin student so far, and she only comes every other week and only until she can find a more advanced teacher. It is so hard to do anything with your brain when you haven't gotten much sleep, I worry about my ability to work at all under these conditions! But there really isn't anything else I can do for money right now. Maybe after Luca is older, I can go back to school or start exploring some of the career options I have had my mind on for a while. If there's anything I've learned from the last 6 months, it's that I'm not cut out to be a 100% full time stay at home mom. You need some serious mental balance to handle that, and I don't think I'm properly equipped. Hats off to my mom, who did it with 5.
I have some super cute pictures, I just have to get them uploaded...