Sigh.

Bad feelings have been back for about a week now. I had to fight off a panic attack Saturday night. My blood work came back from the doctor, and my vitamin D levels are very low. Well, it's winter, no surprise there. But now I'm going to have to spend more money on a supplement.

I don't know what to do about Luca. At least half of the time, he wakes every two hours and then every hour all night long. He only wakes once or twice because he wants to nurse (which is normal for a baby his age)... the other 3-5 times are because he either has to pee or he has to poop (but he screams when I offer the potty). I tried just letting him go in his diaper, but he does the old thing again, where he squirms and cries in his sleep and keeps me and himself awake, because he doesn't want to go in the diaper. I'd rather wake up 3-5 times per night than stay awake for hours on end.

I have witnessed it HUNDREDS of times with other babies- sometimes it really is ok to let them cry for a minute, because they really can learn to self-soothe on their own that way. But every time I have tried, it has been a traumatizing experience (his crying escalates until he is gagging and has trouble breathing). I still can't drive anywhere because if he cries, I have a panic attack because I can't see him and tell why he is crying (sometimes his stomach hurts and he needs to get out RIGHT NOW or else he is in a lot of pain while stuck in the sitting position, sometimes he just cries himself to sleep, and sometimes he needs to nurse).

It's driving me crazy. I really, really, really need to get some sleep. I really, really need to be able to drive places. I'd also like to chew my food, and meditate, and get a part time job. That last one is the most important. We spent $500 on food this month. He's allergic to all the affordable foods.

Poo and progress

My poor baby was up EVERY HOUR last night, crying, writhing, pooping and crying, peeing while pooping blood.... I really hope we can get in to see an allergist soon. He has his regular checkup on Thursday... I'm scared to get him vaxed because I don't want to overwhelm his little immune system. But I have to give him at least DTAP, this area is crawling with whooping cough because of all the anti-vaxers.

Night before last night was his first night in his "own bed" (adjacent mattress)... we both slept REALLY well. He only woke up 3 times. That was the best sleep I got since he was born. I've been using the No-Cry Nap Solution to work on fixing his anti-naps. Slow but steady progress.

I always have nightmares about the brakes not working while I'm driving.

Coming out of the fog...

The more I come out of this fog, the more I realized what a dense, dark fog I was swallowed by in the first place.

These past 6 months have been rough. Not because of what was happening so much as how I was experiencing it. The shock of becoming a parent, the stress of having a colicky baby, the constant sleep deprivation... moms really are the warriors of the world. No matter how they end up dealing with these issues, we're all pretty amazing for getting through it at all!!

And now he's older and it's such a joy to be with him every day. He smiles all the time. He explores his surroundings (sitting up by himself!!). He charms strangers. It's repetitive, it's exhausting, but I'm finally, finally understanding what all those moms mean when they say "it's worth it."

I had acupuncture yesterday, and it reduced my stress and reved my appetite. I went to Whole Foods and got the biggest plate of food I could eat. I am continuing to eat as much food as I can, and stop worrying so much about Luca's sensitivities (I'm still eliminating the foods I was before, but I'm not looking for new ones anymore until we get him an allergy test). I realized, I can't be a good mom if I'm starving myself. Being hungry makes you grumpy all the time no matter what is happening. I baked myself a loaf of pumpkin bread and a double batch of honey vanilla cookies. The acupuncturist told me to eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted, otherwise my stress will consume me. So, I wanted cookies.... AND NOW I GOT THEM. I feel so much better after eating pumpkin bread all day today. It really makes a difference to have ready-made food, when you're trying to eat more. Especially delicious, ready-made food.

Now I just have to figure out how to make some money. I only have one violin student so far, and she only comes every other week and only until she can find a more advanced teacher. It is so hard to do anything with your brain when you haven't gotten much sleep, I worry about my ability to work at all under these conditions! But there really isn't anything else I can do for money right now. Maybe after Luca is older, I can go back to school or start exploring some of the career options I have had my mind on for a while. If there's anything I've learned from the last 6 months, it's that I'm not cut out to be a 100% full time stay at home mom. You need some serious mental balance to handle that, and I don't think I'm properly equipped. Hats off to my mom, who did it with 5.


I have some super cute pictures, I just have to get them uploaded...

Amazing

The red ring around his butt went away... the food I cut was raisins! It's amazing, what they said on Food Lab was true... cut your very favorite foods and you will probably see an improvement. Of course, I just bought a two pound bag of raisins.

I froze all those muffins I made. Hopefully I can try eating them again and see what happens, in the future. Some beef gave me a stomach ache the night before I made the muffins, so it could be beef that he also has a problem with, and not the muffins.

Blech

First half of the day was marvelous... we walked to Forest Hills park. The weather was a perfect 70 on Feb 1st! I made the most delicious muffins.

Then he pooped blood again (no more baked goods for me). I smashed my elbow on the fridge so hard I cried for like 5 minutes. He barely napped 15 minutes twice (except while on the walk), and cried all day. Then Ash dropped a 32 oz bottle of water on his leg while he was falling asleep. I'm so tired. I don't know how my nerves can possibly handle any more stress... I think the only reason I haven't gone insane is the relaxation technique they taught me in Hypnobabies. I know that's the only reason I'm sleeping at all.

I've decided it's morally wrong for me to knowingly do this to another baby (and it's torture for me, not eating or sleeping enough anyways). So either I go on the GAPS diet while pregnant and nursing with the next one, or I don't have anymore kids. Which means between now and then, I need to figure out how to live on only meat and vegetables, and some fruits (and once he stops nursing, eggs, butter, coconut, some cheese and yogurt can be added).

Life Downtown

Well, he pooped blood after I ate those gluten free oats. So that's a "no" to oats. I'm so sad I won't be introducing solids soon... I so looked forward to it. But if he can't even handle traces of food proteins in breast milk, there's no telling what would happen with actual food.

Luca had his 6 month growth spurt, early, last week. He nursed so much, I thought my milk supply was dropping. But then he started sleeping really hard, and I knew he was just increasing my supply by keeping me empty like that... so he could grow. He outgrew all his socks!! I had to get a pair marked "size 2-3 years" to fit him.

Turns out Ash is also loosing weight! We are both at all time lows. I thought it was just breastfeeding, but it must be that wheat and dairy were making up a huge amount of our diet.

I have started night time ECing. I wasn't doing it before because he was holding his poop, but now that he poops every day, I can trust his poop signs. It's so easy: baby wakes, offer breast. If he doesn't want it (or finishes and still cries/squirms), offer potty. He usually pees at 8pm, 1am and 6am... and it has gotten rid of all that ridiculous squirming all night long, so we are both sleeping more deeply. He even stays dry in between those pee breaks!! He will be night potty trained before he turns a year old at this rate (he already stays dry during naps). He still only sleeps 3-4 hours at the longest... but I think I've given up hope of anything better.

It's amazing how differently people treat you when you become a parent. Definitely... better. With more respect, empathy, and kindness.

Luca is SO GOOD with his hands. He is nowhere near sitting up yet, and rolling over is still really hard but... his hands are no big deal. I held up a single pine needle at the park yesterday, and he grabbed it no problem. He has been passing things from one hand to the other for a couple weeks now. He just picked up a bar of soap and squeezed it and grunted at it... he rarely puts things in his mouth, he just wants to feel them and look at them.

Living downtown is so convenient. It's nice to be minutes from EVERYTHING! Duke Gardens feels like our backyard. Ninth street is our playground. Whole Foods is our pantry. The library is... our library! And Danielle, Greg, and Leo are practically our neighbors. It feels secure being close enough to Ash's job and the grocery store that if we lost use of my parent's third car, we'd be alright. Or if gas suddenly became $5 ($7? $10?) per gallon.

Settling down...

Well, since the last post, we have gotten all moved into our apartment, and Luca has really been improving. His cradle cap is almost GONE!! It's amazing. His mood has improved, he has gotten A MILLION TIMES CUTER every day... I can't even stand it sometimes, I just find myself kissing his cheeks over and over... the only missing piece of this puzzle is SLEEP. He is still a crappy sleeper. I have been successfully increasing his naps from 4, 30 minute sessions to 5-6, 30 minute sessions. But he still has night terrors, usually between 3-6am, where he just screams and screams. I haven't found a food that is associated with it yet. He still only sleeps 2-4 hours at a time, and only once or twice per night... after that he is awake and crying every hour. I can't wait for the day when I get to sleep again, and am very seriously going to delay the next kid for several years so I can recover from this. It's serious business, being sleep deprived!

I also got food poisoning AGAIN (we waited a day too late to cook some thawing beef) and then ONCE AGAIN (some chicken at my moms house smelt funky but I ate it anyways) since we've moved in. This is NOT helping my weight loss issues. I have been taking a probiotic daily now, hoping that helps. I actually just ordered some baby probiotics for Luca, too. Breast milk already has probiotics, but his gut is so irritated from his allergies that it might need the repairing power of extra probiotics. I am so angry that of ALL the reading I did while pregnant, not once did any book mention the western phenomenon of the damaged gut = proteins in breastmilk. If so, I would have gone on the GAPS diet before getting pregnant, to seal my gut wall and prevent any of this nightmare from ever happening. Maybe. Who knows. I just know in places where there are no antibiotics/refined foods, mothers don't have these problems of "colicky" babies.

For those of you wondering what on earth I am EATING since I don't eat gluten, dairy, eggs, tomatoes, coconut, or soy, here's some examples from my food diary (almost none of these foods come in packages, because packaged food is almost always covered in either soy or gluten from sharing machinery):

breakfast: leftovers, rice cereal (made with honey)
snack: almonds and blueberries
lunch: chicken or beef cooked in onion and garlic, rice, collard greens or sweet potatoes
snack: larabar, or some homemade baked goods (made from rice, bean, and tapioca flours)
dinner: beans or turkey, rice, carrots or kale or green beans

Today I added some gluten free oats to my diet, since Ash wanted oatmeal cookies for his birthday tomorrow. I'm also going to add quinoa soon. To eat like this, you have to be cooking CONSTANTLY. I'm lucky Ash works evenings and can do most of that stuff during the day for me, but I have cooked while wearing Luca on my back.

We LOVE living here, and are discovering great things about our neighborhood every day. We picked the place because it was cheap and not in a slum, but it turns out we lucked out. There is a lovely park and playground a few blocks away, an activist bakery down the street (they do make gluten free bread, I will have to see if the other ingredients are safe), and there seem to be a lot of kids around because there are TONS of schools and daycares.

Danielle and Leo came over yesterday, and we hadn't seen them since way before the holidays. It is SO SANITY PRESERVING to hang around another mom and baby. I think it calmed both of us down a great deal. The babies were VERY excited to see each other, so excited that they scared each other with their happy noises and burst into tears. Hee hee. It's funny how nothing seems as bad when I'm around another mom and baby. If Luca cries, I just deal with it rather than dive headfirst into an obsessive, stressful thought process. It's so weird how that happens, I don't understand it at all. Every little thing that goes wrong feels like the end of the world.

Allergen-free baking is a fun challenge!!



I just realized I never put or Christmas picture up here:


And here's Luca looking like a BIG BOY in front of our new place: