Monday, February 27, 2012


Bad feelings have been back for about a week now. I had to fight off a panic attack Saturday night. My blood work came back from the doctor, and my vitamin D levels are very low. Well, it's winter, no surprise there. But now I'm going to have to spend more money on a supplement.

I don't know what to do about Luca. At least half of the time, he wakes every two hours and then every hour all night long. He only wakes once or twice because he wants to nurse (which is normal for a baby his age)... the other 3-5 times are because he either has to pee or he has to poop (but he screams when I offer the potty). I tried just letting him go in his diaper, but he does the old thing again, where he squirms and cries in his sleep and keeps me and himself awake, because he doesn't want to go in the diaper. I'd rather wake up 3-5 times per night than stay awake for hours on end.

I have witnessed it HUNDREDS of times with other babies- sometimes it really is ok to let them cry for a minute, because they really can learn to self-soothe on their own that way. But every time I have tried, it has been a traumatizing experience (his crying escalates until he is gagging and has trouble breathing). I still can't drive anywhere because if he cries, I have a panic attack because I can't see him and tell why he is crying (sometimes his stomach hurts and he needs to get out RIGHT NOW or else he is in a lot of pain while stuck in the sitting position, sometimes he just cries himself to sleep, and sometimes he needs to nurse).

It's driving me crazy. I really, really, really need to get some sleep. I really, really need to be able to drive places. I'd also like to chew my food, and meditate, and get a part time job. That last one is the most important. We spent $500 on food this month. He's allergic to all the affordable foods.

Monday, February 20, 2012

First bottle

He's so pretty!!!

visit to the doctor

I expressed about 1 ounce of milk into a bottle this morning, just to see what would happen. Turns out... he took to it just fine! And was smiling and having fun, too. He drank the whole thing.

first bottle

This is bittersweet. That was the first time anyone but me has ever fed him. I teared up.

But I also couldn't help but think...would he let me get away for an hour to go to the dentist or the grocery store? Now I can use that hour-long massage gift certificate I have, and not have to worry about him needing a snack. Maybe this will make car rides easier? Could I possibly get a part time job in a few months? I will have to, if I don't get violin students soon.... the possibilities are huge, if he takes to this bottle thing well.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Babywearing continues...


He loves books!!

While Ash loves the Ergo, and I find it tolerable on my back... but I'd like to have a buckle carrier that I can wear both front and back, and that Ash and I both like. So this week, I borrowed a Boba and an Onya. The Ergo and the Onya have pockets, which is great because I don't have to bring a purse or diaper bag. But the Boba seems to be more comfortable for both of us. Darn!! Maybe I can buy a fanny pack and sew it onto the Boba... they sell an attachment but it's way bigger than I need and way more money than I want to spend. The Onya also converts to a seat harness, so you can sit your baby/toddler in any chair safely. Definitely a plus.

I would still like to try the Beco. I can't tell the difference between their two models...except one adjusts for smaller infants, and one has an insert instead. Also to try... Action Baby Carrier... Kanga... looks like you need to have at least 10 babies before you can figure out what kind of carrier you like best!!

I still love my Didy Tai best. But I almost ruined it (shut it in the car door, drove with it like that, then tried to wash and dry it so it shrank a bit). There are a million ways to wear it, like a woven wrap, but it's easier to get a good seat when the seat is already there! The only downside is that the super long straps (which make for a very comfy wrap) make it awkward to use in the rain, in dirty parking lots, etc. It's also akward to wear/bring when the baby isn't in it. Hence the search for a buckle carrier to use while traveling.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Good Mood continues...

My excellent mood continues. I'm starting to think it was the acupuncture. It's such a DRASTIC change. I LOVE it. I forgot what it was like to be happy. It feels SO GOOD. I can't believe it. I was starting to feel like I'd never be happy again and here I am... HAPPY!!! I hope this lasts. It's such a beautiful day outside.

forest hills park

This morning, for the first time... I went to the grocery store without the baby!! It was only 15 minutes, but it felt momentous. Then Ash watched him while I got a nap (baby woke at 5ish this morning). It was a GREAT nap. Then I ate delicious chicken and zucchini.



luca, 5.5 months

My sweet boy!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Poo and progress

My poor baby was up EVERY HOUR last night, crying, writhing, pooping and crying, peeing while pooping blood.... I really hope we can get in to see an allergist soon. He has his regular checkup on Thursday... I'm scared to get him vaxed because I don't want to overwhelm his little immune system. But I have to give him at least DTAP, this area is crawling with whooping cough because of all the anti-vaxers.

Night before last night was his first night in his "own bed" (adjacent mattress)... we both slept REALLY well. He only woke up 3 times. That was the best sleep I got since he was born. I've been using the No-Cry Nap Solution to work on fixing his anti-naps. Slow but steady progress.

I always have nightmares about the brakes not working while I'm driving.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Coming out of the fog...

The more I come out of this fog, the more I realized what a dense, dark fog I was swallowed by in the first place.

These past 6 months have been rough. Not because of what was happening so much as how I was experiencing it. The shock of becoming a parent, the stress of having a colicky baby, the constant sleep deprivation... moms really are the warriors of the world. No matter how they end up dealing with these issues, we're all pretty amazing for getting through it at all!!

And now he's older and it's such a joy to be with him every day. He smiles all the time. He explores his surroundings (sitting up by himself!!). He charms strangers. It's repetitive, it's exhausting, but I'm finally, finally understanding what all those moms mean when they say "it's worth it."

I had acupuncture yesterday, and it reduced my stress and reved my appetite. I went to Whole Foods and got the biggest plate of food I could eat. I am continuing to eat as much food as I can, and stop worrying so much about Luca's sensitivities (I'm still eliminating the foods I was before, but I'm not looking for new ones anymore until we get him an allergy test). I realized, I can't be a good mom if I'm starving myself. Being hungry makes you grumpy all the time no matter what is happening. I baked myself a loaf of pumpkin bread and a double batch of honey vanilla cookies. The acupuncturist told me to eat as much as I wanted of anything I wanted, otherwise my stress will consume me. So, I wanted cookies.... AND NOW I GOT THEM. I feel so much better after eating pumpkin bread all day today. It really makes a difference to have ready-made food, when you're trying to eat more. Especially delicious, ready-made food.

Now I just have to figure out how to make some money. I only have one violin student so far, and she only comes every other week and only until she can find a more advanced teacher. It is so hard to do anything with your brain when you haven't gotten much sleep, I worry about my ability to work at all under these conditions! But there really isn't anything else I can do for money right now. Maybe after Luca is older, I can go back to school or start exploring some of the career options I have had my mind on for a while. If there's anything I've learned from the last 6 months, it's that I'm not cut out to be a 100% full time stay at home mom. You need some serious mental balance to handle that, and I don't think I'm properly equipped. Hats off to my mom, who did it with 5.

I have some super cute pictures, I just have to get them uploaded...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Almost sitting up!

Today we went to visit Danielle and Leo. When Luca got there and saw what a big boy Leo was, sitting up by himself... Luca was inspired and tried it out. He must have sat upright for an hour!! They shared toys (well, grabbed them from each other's hands) and giggles.

luca and leo

luca and leo

I just used an online calculator to see how many calories I ate today so far... 1087!!!! I'm supposed to eat 2500 as a nursing mother. I have zero appetite right now, but I'm forcing myself to eat a cup of nuts with some raspberries before going to bed. Why do I not feel hungrier?? I eat until I'm full, and then I keep eating. I snack constantly. I think I like feeling hungry too much. It just feels... clean. So streamlined. Light. I hated being pregnant because I was FORCED to eat huge amounts of food or pass out. When I gave birth, my feeling of regular, non-emergent hunger returned... I think I just enjoy that too much. The feeling of being hungry and not feeling like it's an emergency. Sometimes I don't even think I notice I'm hungry.

Ugh, these nuts and fruit taste terrible. I'm so hungry, I love nuts and fruit, but something about my appetite is so... off. All I want is a huge bag of chocolate cookies.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


The red ring around his butt went away... the food I cut was raisins! It's amazing, what they said on Food Lab was true... cut your very favorite foods and you will probably see an improvement. Of course, I just bought a two pound bag of raisins.

I froze all those muffins I made. Hopefully I can try eating them again and see what happens, in the future. Some beef gave me a stomach ache the night before I made the muffins, so it could be beef that he also has a problem with, and not the muffins.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


First half of the day was marvelous... we walked to Forest Hills park. The weather was a perfect 70 on Feb 1st! I made the most delicious muffins.

Then he pooped blood again (no more baked goods for me). I smashed my elbow on the fridge so hard I cried for like 5 minutes. He barely napped 15 minutes twice (except while on the walk), and cried all day. Then Ash dropped a 32 oz bottle of water on his leg while he was falling asleep. I'm so tired. I don't know how my nerves can possibly handle any more stress... I think the only reason I haven't gone insane is the relaxation technique they taught me in Hypnobabies. I know that's the only reason I'm sleeping at all.

I've decided it's morally wrong for me to knowingly do this to another baby (and it's torture for me, not eating or sleeping enough anyways). So either I go on the GAPS diet while pregnant and nursing with the next one, or I don't have anymore kids. Which means between now and then, I need to figure out how to live on only meat and vegetables, and some fruits (and once he stops nursing, eggs, butter, coconut, some cheese and yogurt can be added).